Shaken

[Hepatica]

The PD spider sense was right.

I had this feeling that uNPDf might be just around the corner yesterday and this AM. The gate is locked so he can't just walk in, thankfully but I took the dogs for a hike an hour ago and when I got into my car I found a plastic grocery bag sitting on the passenger seat. I thought, that's odd. I glanced inside and saw the signature style of my father. A bag of newspaper cutouts and in the middle I could see yellow letter paper with his writing.  So he therefore opened my unlocked car door and put it there bc he couldn't get through the gate. (I have to learn to lock my car!)

I told myself not to read it. I hiked and when I came back feeling a bit more brave I scimmed the full page letter. It is so freaking text-book monster style, very familiar to me from past dysfunctional relationships with a couple boyfriends. They start off so nice, appeasing and then they can't hold in the rage. It started off with him expressing relief about the south of the border election and that the stress is now gone and everything should be okay now. The rest of it was about his wedding anniversary. 60 years (woot, woot) and how my mother wants to come over here and celebrate it, but is terrified of me bc I haven't been in contact with them and she thinks I'm mad at them. The next sentence is that no parent should ever suffer the pain that they are suffering...

And then i just stopped reading.

The last time he was here, he pretty much told me I was crazy.

The 60 year marriage is a war zone between them that I had to witness and cower from as a child and try to recover from for the rest of my life. He has no sensitivity to this. My childhood with him was fraught. If he lost his temper he struck us in the face or head. I saw my sister's nose and mouth bleed more than once. He hit me so hard one time, my head hit the wall. I WAS A LITTLE GIRL!

He has no respect for boundaries. When I moved away and left a padlocked bag of my old letters and journals at his house, he somehow opened it - he must have cut it with scissors to get into it bc it was faux leather and padlocked. He sent me personal letters and journal entries, mailed them to me having had read my very personal, embarrassing writings. He has walked into my house without knocking several times and that is why i finally put a lock on the gate. I would not be surprised if he walks to the other side of the house one day and looks through my window! I cannot take it!

He has since become a very full blown hoarder and my mother has only one space in the house that is clutter free and I don't know how she cooks, bc not only is she frail, she has no kitchen table or counter top that isn't covered with his stuff.

I feel like saying to him: You reap what you sow. If he is suffering it is because he has a very sick disorder of enmeshment mixed with emotional and potentially physical abuse. (He hasn't hit us as adults, but when I see him, he is still my abuser.)

I am shaking. And I feel sick.

[Starboard Song]

The next sentence is that no parent should ever suffer the pain that they are suffering...

I am so sorry. Our instinct is always to try to explain it to them...........again. It is very hard for me to accept that my in-laws truly believe monstrous things about me. That, given the fact sets in their heads, they are behaving rationally. That gets me every time.

So to have your D drop off a letter basically saying "you are causing us pain and you can stop doing that" is really terrible. It sounds like you are experiencing the trauma of feeling under threat, but aren't conflicted. That's good. Take some time to bolster yourself and remind yourself that there is no doubt you are on the right course. Then really do think through what needs to happen to secure your home and property.

I wish I knew how people move past that shaken-gonna-be-sick moment, and recover. Others will probably be along who do know. I wish you so much strength.

[M0009803]

If your PD parent is trespassing on your property, that is pretty serious.

It's time to go the legal route and send them a cease and desist letter.

[Psuedonym]

Holy #$@!, Hepatica,

That is stalker behavior, plain and simple. He knows you don't want him to come over unsolicited and he doesn't care. I agree that a cease and desist letter might be in order.

I know its easier said than done but try to put the gaslighting in the letter in context. My mother did the same thing; she went on a year and a half long smear campaign (that ended when she died in May) telling everybody and anybody who would listen that she had been abandoned by her crazy, lying, ungrateful daughter after having been 'the best mother in the world! (TM). My H, who is a hero and stayed in contact with her, had dozens of conversations with her in which he'd say: Okay, if you're so upset, try apologizing.' NO!! She wasn't going to apologize, she had nothing to apologize for! Okay, try changing your behavior. NOOO! She hadn't done anything wrong!!! Ever!

In the real, adult world, actions have consequences. For your dad and my M, the choices were:

a) Insist that you are right, have done nothing wrong and accept that you no longer have a relationship with your child
or
b) Attempt (even an attempt would do wonders) to accept that you have caused harm and change your behavior

In PD world they believe another option exists:

c) Insist that you are right, throw a bullying/smear campaigning/whining tantrum until the other person caves.

Your father is an adult. He's made his choices, and now he gets to live with the consequences. Just like everybody else.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh dear Hepatica. Here's a hug if you need one

This is reprehensible, what he did. Yes he is your abuser no matter the time or your age. You deserve peace of mind. He has no right doing this. I agree with others here that legal action could be warranted.

If he leaves anything you have every right not to read it and throw it in the garbage or a fire. It's his last method for getting to you.

I hope the feeling of shakiness and danger passes soon. Find comfort. You'll get through this!

[Hepatica]

Thank you everyone.

I am still feeling quite overwhelmed and queasy and sad. I wrote a response letter but I doubt that I'll send it. I have never been direct about being no contact, so I wonder if this letter needs to be declared for him to get it.

This has been a whole mess for, esp. the past five years and escalated when my uNPD mother was hospitalized and nearly died. I was guilted and shamed for not spending the allotted time with my mother that my sister had scheduled me for. My mother is not sneaky and manipulative like my father and sister. She is overt and like a bull in a china shop. But basically I felt like my sister and father wanted to use me as a body to buffer them from my mother's terrible behaviour at the time, and I too have survived this abuse. I felt like they were willing to sacrifice me. Things fell out with my sister following this and my dad can't stand it. And bc he keeps taunting me, implying that I am crazy, I've had enough of all of them. It's a terrible situation and I just want to run away.

I feel like I am disassociating, like I'm not really here. I'm ok. Don't worry. My husband is with me and he's very good. I am breathing, practising self care. The gate is locked and secure. I feel very foggy and odd nevertheless. And just very very sad.

I just watched a Jerry Wise youtube video and it helped me feel bolstered but man, I'm really tired of feeling anxiety because of this behaviour.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

This is a horrible violation of your boundaries.

I'm glad you are safe and taking care of yourself.

Remember: what a narcissist wants is attention. They prefer positive attention, but negative attention is the next best thing.

If you communicate with him in any way it will feed him narcissistic supply. I urge you to trust that inner voice that is telling you not to send the response letter.

If you haven't consulted an attorney, now is the time. It will cost money, but it will be an excellent investment in your mental health. A cease and desist letter that comes from an attorney is more likely to be taken seriously than one that comes from you.

Hang in there!

[Happypants]

Hepatica - my jaw dropped when i read that he left that letter in your car and what it said.  It dropped further when i read this:

"I would not be surprised if he walks to the other side of the house one day and looks through my window! I cannot take it!"

You've already put a lock on the gate, and it's not enough - he's entering your car, and you believe it's a possibility that he'll do the above.  Completely agree with the others, it may be time to get legal advice on this, at least then you can have an idea whether to take action now or at least what the next steps are when you need them so you can prepare yourself.

I'm glad you stopped reading the letter but I'm sorry for the effect the situation has had on you.  Can you use it as an opportunity? Could you tell him that you didn't read and put it in the bin it because he had no right entering your car, subsequently letting him know that if he keeps breaching your physical boundaries (property/car), he can't get to you/you won't play along/won't do as he desires? You cannot live in fear of him entering the one place you're meant to feel safe, you've made that more than clear by locking your gate.

I can't find the hug emoji, but I'm sending you strength and support x

[JollyJazz]

Hi Hepatica,

I'm so so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

It is stalker behaviour and a horrible lack of respect for your boundaries -needs and wishes.

I feel like I am disassociating, like I'm not really here. I'm ok. Don't worry. My husband is with me and he's very good. I am breathing, practising self care. The gate is locked and secure. I feel very foggy and odd nevertheless. And just very very sad.

I'm sending you support. Do you have a therapist to talk to at the moment? It's so nice to have that reality check when things are topsy turvy. Also - you do have the option to get a trespass order- the law exists to protect you, you don't have to just endure these violations. But also - it might also be something to explore in therapy if you choose to do this.

Good on you for the self care!

I feel for you. My parents were also violent to me when I was a child and teenager and still stalk me. I remember your kind words of support to me too. It is scary having a violent, unstable stalker. It doesn't matter if the violence occured when you are a child (no child should endure violence) it doesn't matter if you are related to them or not, it doesn't give them the right to trespass, stalk, violate your boundaries. If you choose to talk to the police you are well within your rights. They are there to protect you. No pressure any way though, just reminding you that you have this option.

Anyway, (if you want one) sending a big hug!  and I hope you can keep up the good self care.

[Hepatica]

Thanks so much to each of you.

A good sleep helped. I woke and read each of your responses, more than once. I feel much stronger today and less afraid. I don't know what I am afraid of to be honest. He's an old man, quite frail and I could probably knock him over but I felt scared yesterday.

Have any of you had to leave abusive relationships like with marriage partners or long-term? I have had two and I was able to leave them but there was that period I remember when I made the choice to leave that was dangerous. I feel that way now, like my father might try to hurt me bc he thinks he owns me and he has been ruthless in the past. I think he's a bit unstable now.

But I do feel better, just aware of what I'm feeling and I woke up understanding that it's not my job to ease his suffering. I have to put my "empath" mode on pause. If he is suffering it is due to years and years of making unhealthy and bad decisions that add up over time. It is not my fault. He used the manipulative story of his suffering on me as an attempt to pull on my heart strings and I'm not falling for it.

DetachedandEngaged, your're right. Any attention is what they seek. I'm glad that you reminded me of that because I wrote a letter yesterday and now as I am sitting here, more fresh and in a better state of mind, I realize, no, that letter does not need to go to him. I do not need to JADE. He knows what he's done wrong. He has to learn to live with that.

I have never said straight to him about no contact. But this week I think it's time my Dh steps in and gives him a call and says, please don't show up at our house uninvited. It has to be said and I've been afraid to say it.

I was listening to many Jerry Wise videos yesterday and I learned a few things about reacting from the inner child part of us. It's time I acted from the strong, grown woman part of me.

It amazes me how much I am still in the fog after all of this education and years of counselling. It is really like removing oneself from a cult. I have to work on the cult-think in my head all the time.

[nanotech]

I'm sending hugs.
Why the heck do they get so fixated on anniversaries? Oh I know...... they have something to prove. Yuk
As you say, it's been a horrible long war zone in which you were often the victim.
And now he wants you to celebrate it with them?
They are meant to provide us with a safe secure environment.
It isn't just about a roof over our head and food. It's about allowing us to grow a sense of self, whilst being nurtured in a loving environment. If we didn't have it growing up, we need to catch up with it later. I think I can be done. I've done it with my hubby. He's everything to me in terms of having unconditional love.
It can be done. The FOO can't be fixed because they have no self insight.
You got out of that toxic place with your parents, as I did.
And now you are going NC. Good for you.

I think dumping toxic letters in your car is creepy. He's trying to say he can still do whatever  he likes. Well he damn well can't.
Honestly, if this is going to continue I would consider cease and desist action. It's stalking.
Doesn't matter that it's a parent. That's your space.
Absolute cretin.
He's vastly mistaken in his feelings of entitlement to your adult self. There is none. You owe him nothing.
They need you, to reflect them as good- it's all about being a mirror for them- so they  can pretend they've had an amazing 60 years and that they've been fantastic parents.
It is all to deny the abuse.
Just carry on. It's progress. He won't get into the car again because it will be locked.
Any window watching is stalking and it's reportable.

[blues_cruise]

It is weird how sometimes you can just feel that they're about to attempt contact. I really relate to the shaken feeling you get when you discover that they've been at your home and left something for you. The last time I had this was a few months ago when uNF left a bag of my childhood things on the doorstep. Upon discovering the bag I instantly began trembling, my heart was racing and I was close to tears. I definitely think it was a flashback to when I was a little girl and being punished for doing something wrong. If the adult part of my brain had been more dominant in that moment then it would have reasoned that I was safe in the present and that having to go through these things was just a minor inconvenience. The shaken feeling, hypervigilance and fear are all a response to trauma.

I told myself not to read it. I hiked and when I came back feeling a bit more brave I scimmed the full page letter. It is so freaking text-book monster style, very familiar to me from past dysfunctional relationships with a couple boyfriends. They start off so nice, appeasing and then they can't hold in the rage. It started off with him expressing relief about the south of the border election and that the stress is now gone and everything should be okay now. The rest of it was about his wedding anniversary. 60 years (woot, woot) and how my mother wants to come over here and celebrate it, but is terrified of me bc I haven't been in contact with them and she thinks I'm mad at them. The next sentence is that no parent should ever suffer the pain that they are suffering...

So basically it was all about them and what they consider to be their needs, rather than showing any interest in your wellbeing. Something that jumped out at me is why on earth would your mother think it important to celebrate their wedding anniversary with you?  That's their personal 'celebration', not yours. Given the emotional and physical abuse you witnessed during their marriage I think it's ridiculous to expect you to be congratulatory towards them. Equally, saying that your mother is supposedly "terrified" of you is such emotional manipulation and is unfairly shifting the blame solely on to your shoulders. There's no self awareness or responsibility taken at any point in that excerpt of letter and I think it was very sensible of you to stop reading at that point.

You don't have to engage with/read written letters or cards if you don't want to and that's been a personal learning curve of mine, since reading things from my father triggers me with so much fear and shame. It's OK to choose to protect yourself from things like that. I choose not to do it anymore since it's so overwhelming and damaging to my nervous system/trauma recovery. One solution is asking your husband or another trusted person to read written correspondence so that if anything of importance is ever shared then you can know the plain facts rather than getting triggered by any of the emotive, manipulative language surrounding it. The burden can be shared and you can ask other people for support now that you are a fully grown adult; you can take away that direct channel of communication and protect yourself. 

But I do feel better, just aware of what I'm feeling and I woke up understanding that it's not my job to ease his suffering. I have to put my "empath" mode on pause. If he is suffering it is due to years and years of making unhealthy and bad decisions that add up over time. It is not my fault. He used the manipulative story of his suffering on me as an attempt to pull on my heart strings and I'm not falling for it.

I'm so glad that you had a good sleep after this happened and gained some clarity on it. You're absolutely right, if you take on too much responsibility for other people's dysfunctional behaviour and mental disorders then it's just too much. My father sounds very similar to yours and I recognise a lot of the behaviour you describe, plus the emotional reactions you have to it as a result. Sometimes I fall into the trap of being far too empathetic about his mental health and how he must be feeling, but this is always at the expense of my own mental health and wellbeing. Submitting to my father's desire for contact and allowing him to pick up with where he left off (which is realistically all he knows how to do) doesn't do either of us any good. No doubt we both have trauma from our childhoods, but I'm choosing to actively work on improving my mental health whereas he chooses to remain delusional and stick to his destructive, dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I have read accounts of people with narcissistic personality disorder getting therapy and working on themselves, so the idea that is often thrown about that they're powerless to help themselves in that regard just isn't true. I think it's more that they rarely seek psychological help until it's of value for them to do so rather than them being incapable of improvement. For instance, I've been reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk and he describes a therapy session with a fight type personality who refuses to see that his anti-social, narcissistic behaviour is a problem and the only reason this man seeks therapy is because his wife has threatened to leave him. It shows how instrumental people are in enabling toxic behaviour and abuse as unless anyone makes a stand there is no reason for the abuser to address their behaviour.

Anyway, I think I'm possibly going off on a bit of a tangent there! I hope you continue to feel better and I do think you've handled this really well.   

[Hepatica]

blues_cruise,
Yes! The comment about my mother and her wanting to come over but she's terrified. I don't want other people involved in my wedding anniversary. And the word "terrified" is so utterly manipulative. I have never once raised my voice or acted in a violent way towards my parents. I have never done anything but behave with grace around them, quietly listening to them. To portray me as a scary person is so brutal. My God.

You're right. It's what we deal with as survivors of this, the all about them, the omission of care about our wellbeing. And then the direct hit on us that harms our wellbeing as well.

Thank you for mentioning the Bessel book. I've had a few people mention it to me and I am going to get it. I need much more bolstering these days. No you weren't going on a tangent. I want to thank you for relating to my situation and showing me that I am not alone. I am sorry for what you've gone through as well. Yes. We choose to work on ourselves and they don't. The chasm begins there and I can only hope that this is some sort of challenge for us survivors to heal the generational trauma. I just really wish that there was more mainstream awareness and sensitivity around it.

I am grateful for this forum.