Family Illness

[Rosemarie]

Hello all,
I have been away from this space for a while, but always appreciate that it is here. Sometimes there is nowhere else to share the insanity of my family system. My family is definitely a system steeped in narcissism> i often flow through my days without dealing with the system as a whole. I don't, by design live near my family members. I talk to them on the phone here and there, and more recently they have shifted to texting and emailing. My sense was, that this could be a good thing, as it is more distant and I don't have to interact directly. Well mostly this has been working....but sure enough, a group of family members including myself, received an email that sent me into a real downward spiral. I have been sitting with it and trying to get clear on why I am so disturbed about the email. The main distress I realize is not the content, but that the relative who sent it was telling everyone else what is going to happen around gift-giving during the holidays. This in-law person is actually doing the bidding for another family member who does not have the courage to speak up for themselves, to their family and he puts his wife up to the task. He sends text messages that say, let's talk soon...then does not call. Anyway, it is all very unhealthy and I have so much grief that comes up, as I so wish I lived in a family system that was able to dialogue and get everyone's needs met, because personally when I read the no gift message, I wanted to share my perspective, but no one would care, want to hear it, or they would scapegoat me as a problem, so I will not say anything. I decided to share here instead. For me, I think sending a small gift, nothing fancy, but just a totem of care during a pandemic, is something I would like to do, for others and have others do for me.  So after hours of trying to make sense for myself, I wrote to my mother and asked if she would bake pizelle cookies for me and send them, as we do not live near each other. She said she would, Then it occurred to me, that she may even say she will, but as the system works, she may not send them. I am just glad I asked. All of that said, I had this awareness out of all of this, that I have been spending a good part,  of my life energy figuring out how to side step narcissists, I am sad and exhausted. I do not do well in this system and am at least glad I do not live hear them, as even from afar it is hard enough to deal. I hope this makes sense....I just needed to be heard and appreciate having a place to share.
Thank you.

[SunnyMeadow]

I hear you Rosemarie! I've been trying to side step narcissists too. Not fun at all.

I don't like that your relative made the "family decision" of no gifts. I say, if you want to send gifts to certain people, do it.

My husband's family made the decision of no gifts at thanksgiving one year. We were all around the table and somebody brought up that they couldn't afford gifts that year. We all discussed the matter and came up with some suggestions for younger kids but that everyone else could be done with gifts. It worked for us because it was a community decision, not one person dictating the new policy. I have a brother in law that has pushed his way to the center of discussions and I ignore him.

Your post makes sense to me. I can see why this upset you.