The stalking is escalating

[blacksheeep]

I have been NC with my PD mom and ultra-passive dad for years.  I know they google-stalk me to the full extent of their capabilities (and they're pretty tech-savvy), but they have kept their direct contact with me limited (mostly) to the occasional angry guilt-text. A few weeks ago they accosted my teenager in a parking lot.  Grandma told him everything is my fault,  she interrogated him about our family, she told him to keep their little meeting a secret from me, and she kept kissing his face (which was VERY awkward according to him).

A couple days ago, the whole family was supposed to be out, but the teen kiddo stayed behind because he din't feel well.  As he was peeking out the window, he saw my parents pull all the way down our country driveway, and then pull out their phones and take pictures of our house and our second vehicle.

They live in the next county over, and our location is a lot more rural.  There's literally no way they could have a legitimate reason to be in our town.  It seems the stalking is getting more physical.  I'm sure a lot of you know from experience, but this is really unsettling.

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry you are going thru this. Their actions are illegal, and can usually  be dealt with via a cease and desist order, as well as full restraining orders if they persist.

Check the laws in your area and see about having a lawyer send a cease and desist order. You can do it yourself, but it seems to carry more impact when coming from your lawyer.

[blacksheeep]

Thanks, Twentytwenty.  Legal action just makes it seem so much uglier.  I figure I have three options:

1)  Do nothing.  This is what I almost always do because her meltdowns when I try to stand up for myself are terrifying.

2)  Break the NC.  Ask her why she was in my driveway, and tell her that my son didn't keep her secret.  She might think that we have cameras, which could discourage future shenanigans.  Knowing that my son betrayed her trust might make her less likely to target him in the future.  But, the downside is the aforementioned tantrum.

3)  Legal action.  I'm afraid that this will REALLY escalate her and start an unimaginable smear campaign.  You're right Twentytwenty, I need to figure out what I can legally prevent her from doing.

I'm trying to work up the nerve -- but, knowing myself -- I'll probably end up doing option #1 because I'm chicken.

[Penny Lane]

Our PD (husband's ex wife, so different dynamics, same scariness) has escalating her stalking in the past couple days! It must be something about this time of year.

The #1 best thing we ever did was to get a camera and make sure she knew of its existence. It's not a magical force field or anything, but it has really deterred her bad behavior. It also gives me some degree of psychological comfort. And when she showed up unannounced at our house the other day I saw it on the camera - I can't imagine how shocked I would be if I had just opened the door and she was standing there! We think she was trying to catch DH on his way out, too, so it was really helpful to know she was there to avoid her.

The other potential benefit of a camera, although this hasn't been that helpful for us because she has plausible deniability that she felt like the kids needed her to be there, is that if you do pursue a restraining order you have actual evidence of her being on your property. You also can call the police if you catch her in the act on the camera. A visit from the police might deter her from showing up again.

During the last major harassment campaign, we called a local womens group that deals with domestic violence. They had a lot of good advice about the rules in our area, what is realistic to expect, etc. I highly recommend it if you have a similar group nearby because they really understood the issues in play. They can tell you what you'd need to successfully pursue a restraining order and whether that makes the most sense in your situation.

The Gift of Fear says that restraining orders often escalate things and don't always do good - so exactly what you mentioned. Taking option #1 isn't necessarily an issue of being chicken. If your gut is telling you that's the safest option, listen to it! That's not chicken, that's smart.

[blacksheeep]

Thanks for the response, Penny Lane.  I'm researching cameras.  It's irritating to spend money on something that  is solely for deterring someone else's craziness, but I think it's my less expensive option (compared to a driveway gate).