Cancelled Dads Vote Out

[anniegreen]

My dad found out I voted for someone he did not want me to vote for.  As a result, he sent me harsh text messages, essentially bullying me for two days straight. I graduate nursing school next month, so I am still on his health insurance and he pays for my phone service. He cut off my phone service and told me my health insurance would end at the end of the month. He also said we should go our separate ways. After I sent a very respectful text, he told me that I can pay for the rest of my fiancé and I's wedding venue and my wedding dress. He then sent many other mean text messages. My fiancé and I decided to cancel our wedding and elope instead since we can pay for that without my dad. I have to tell my dad now and give him some of the money he put down back to him. He will be losing the deposit. I'm experiencing a lot of guilt about this because 1) he will be losing money and 2) I know he was excited about the wedding. He sent me a text yesterday saying we should have a face-to-face conversation. Which I denied bc I don't need a conversation. I need an apology. I'm sure he will take back what he said about the wedding. However, my fiancé and I were already stressed about covering the rest of the wedding. My dad is too labile and obviously we can't depend on him. I don't have regrets about canceling all of our vendor. I'm actually relieved and excited to elope. But now I am just so nervous about telling my dad or even ever speaking to him again 😅😅😅

[SunnyMeadow]

Good for you! I'm glad you're relieved and excited to elope. Sounds like a great plan!

Your dad started the ball rolling to cut you out of his life due to who you voted for   He actually said you should go your separate ways, so you're just taking a logical next step. You chose to forget the big wedding and now you're making it about you and fiance and what you want. It's a good choice.

Don't be nervous about telling your dad. In fact, don't bother and just move on. Sounds like that's his plan. I'd tell anyone who asks exactly what happened too. Don't let your dad's unbelievably disgusting behavior go or make him look better in some way by minimizing what he's done.

From now on thinking about him would be a big   

Sending hugs to you anniegreen. 

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome. It is incredibly sad that your father would take a scorched earth approach to you exercising your right to vote as you choose. My heart hurts for you just thinking about the chaos and pain this must've swiftly brought into your life.

I am glad you have reached out for support! You are positioned to completely launch... career, new family of choice with your fiancé and independently living your life and making your own choices. That is healthy! That is exciting! That deserves to be celebrated by those closest to you! All very good things!

It seems like your father has focused on the few things he has left to bargain with and may be able to control through.. paying for your wedding, phone, and health insurance.

Big life changes, in my own broken family system, like my own wedding, was one of the first really big aha moments when the depth of my parent's dysfunction was revealed. We did the exact same thing you are doing and did what we could afford. Which was to get married with a few witnesses.

I say this very gently, possibly inadvertently, but your father has freed you and it is a painful and abrupt way to experience this, but you are able to shift to what you can afford and your expenses will never be held hostage again because you will be taking care of them yourselves.

How, if, when you address the change in the wedding plans with your father and other family is something you and your fiancé will figure out, but I would suggest if you choose to make some kind of an announcement, letting your father know in the exact same way you let others know about your elopement or change of plans.

And then let it go and go live your lovely, happy, joyfilled life. And let your father be 100% responsible to clean up the mess he has made of this.

I want to point you to the toolbox and personality disorder info at the drop down menus above. There are resources all over this forum in conversations, media and book recommends... just read and absorb and be empowered to develop important boundaries and limits around your life and new family that give you space and keep the good in and other's bad behaviors that are creating pain and disconnection instead of supporting and building connection with you and your partner, out.

We welcome you and hope you find your time here lightens a heavy load!

[anniegreen]

Hi there and welcome. It is incredibly sad that your father would take a scorched earth approach to you exercising your right to vote as you choose. My heart hurts for you just thinking about the chaos and pain this must've swiftly brought into your life.

I am glad you have reached out for support! You are positioned to completely launch... career, new family of choice with your fiancé and independently living your life and making your own choices. That is healthy! That is exciting! That deserves to be celebrated by those closest to you! All very good things!

It seems like your father has focused on the few things he has left to bargain with and may be able to control through.. paying for your wedding, phone, and health insurance.

Big life changes, in my own broken family system, like my own wedding, was one of the first really big aha moments when the depth of my parent's dysfunction was revealed. We did the exact same thing you are doing and did what we could afford. Which was to get married with a few witnesses.

I say this very gently, possibly inadvertently, but your father has freed you and it is a painful and abrupt way to experience this, but you are able to shift to what you can afford and your expenses will never be held hostage again because you will be taking care of them yourselves.

How, if, when you address the change in the wedding plans with your father and other family is something you and your fiancé will figure out, but I would suggest if you choose to make some kind of an announcement, letting your father know in the exact same way you let others know about your elopement or change of plans.

And then let it go and go live your lovely, happy, joyfilled life. And let your father be 100% responsible to clean up the mess he has made of this.

I want to point you to the toolbox and personality disorder info at the drop down menus above. There are resources all over this forum in conversations, media and book recommends... just read and absorb and be empowered to develop important boundaries and limits around your life and new family that give you space and keep the good in and other's bad behaviors that are creating pain and disconnection instead of supporting and building connection with you and your partner, out.

We welcome you and hope you find your time here lightens a heavy load!

Thank you. At first my fiance wanted me to at least call him on the phone and tell him. Then he decided that he would go talk to him by himself since I really just can't look at him right now. They were texting last night about it and it seemed my dad only wanted to justify his behavior and was not apologetic at all. The lashing I receive was completely deserved in his eyes. After that, my fiance decided it's best that he not go talk to him because it would most likely not be a civil conversation. As of now, my plan is to tell him in a text that the wedding is cancelled, we will be eloping, and to expect a check in the mail.

[moglow]

I'm sorry this happened, but glad you found us.

That sounds a lot to me like dad was already on an edge of his own and grasped at randomness. May he have joy of it.

It's my personal belief that some just want a mad and will grasp at any issue to justify that mad. Your plan sounds absolutely reasonable to me - don't allow anyone to hold obligatory anvils over your head. There's no bargaining to be done. Sometimes we all just need to step to our separate corners and sort ourselves. Unfortunately we can't do that for irrational others.

[Sneezy]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on all the exciting things going on in your life right now.  Graduating from college, starting a new career, eloping (how romantic!) with a supportive fiance.  Enjoy every bit of it.

Now, the practical stuff.  As I'm sure you realize, being financially independent from an abusive parent is key.  It will make everything that much easier for you.  Not that it will be easy, but you can assert your emotional/psychological independence more easily when your dad can't hold his financial support over your head.

Nurses are in high demand, and once you graduate you should be able to find a good job with good health insurance.  If there is any doubt, go ahead and get on the ACA exchange for your state or talk to an insurance agent about getting a short-term health insurance policy to tide you over until you have employer-provided insurance.

You have your entire life ahead of you - go live it without looking back.  You don't ever have to talk to your dad again if you don't want to.  I was well into my adult years before it really hit me that I was a grownup and I could live where I wanted, work where I wanted, vote for who I wanted to vote for, name my kids whatever names I wanted (yeah, my PD MIL thought she got to pick out the names, boy was she surprised when it didn't work that way).  Enjoy!  And post any questions here as you work through it.  There are so many supportive folks who can give you advice.  Welcome!

[Thru the Rain]

My parents were very non-supportive of my wedding - no financial or emotional support, in fact very confrontational and negative. They threatened to not attend (they did attend in the end) and were just generally obnoxious.

At the end of my wedding, I actually said I wished we had just eloped.

Read some of the wedding stories people have posted on this site over time. With a PD parent in the mix, you may be much happier in the long run if you elope.

[sandpiper]

Lots of good advice already given here so I will just say  and congratulations on getting through all that hard work and on starting a new life with your partner.
My next point: you are starting a new life, and toxic, controlling, abusive family do not get to poison that.
You are showing extraordinary insight for the choices that you've made, I'm not sure that I would have had that kind of clarity thirty years ago, despite all the therapy I'd done, even then.
Guilt is a tricky thing to manage & once you are through with your study, it might be a good idea to read up on personality disorders and abusive personalities as this will not be the last battle you have with disordered FOO.
The men in my family regarded me as *property* too. It's extremely destructive and debasing and I echo what the others have said about establishing financial independence.
FWIW I am disgusted that your father would cancel your health insurance, knowing that we are all living through a global pandemic and your career choice puts you at risk of contracting the virus - at high doses, and repeatedly, over time, as our antibodies wear off.
A cluster of us had Covid back in March & I can testify that it is virulent and it's effects are long-lasting. I am pretty healthy & fit for a women in her fifties, but it belted us, hard, and the post-viral fatigue & weird symptoms have continued for months after it. I lost my sense of smell for five weeks & I read an article saying that this may mean I'm at higher risk for developing Parkinsons disease. Great. The fact that your father is willing to throw you to the wolves and sacrifice your health and your financial security because you have a different political opinion is a sign that you are dealing with a controlling abuser who doesn't have a conscience.  At very best he is a dinosaur and his views will suck you under, as well as him, if you stay too closely attached to that bandwagon.
There is a great book called 'Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. They use it as a textbook in the domestic violence studies unit at one of the major universities here in Australia - it's got good credentials. I think it will help you with your FOG (fear/obligation/guilt).

I wasted two decades trying to create change within my disordered FOO, hoping they would follow my example and go to therapy and want to live a better life. If I had my time over, and I knew what I know now, and I could travel back in time and talk to my 21yro self, this is the advice that I would give, and I'm giving it to you.
Geographical distance from disordered FOO is one of the best ways to heal from them. I chose to stay in my home town and I spent three decades fending off smear campaigns, efforts to undermine my friendships, attacks on my career, unrelenting assaults on my mental health. All done in the name of *love*.
They don't know how to love. Their idea of love is to control you like a puppet and mould you into a mirror image of themselves.

I know that you are dealing with immediate issues, your pending graduation, decisions around your marriage (Run Away Bride YESSSS!) and trying to get your partner to understand the depths of disorder in your family.

All of this will be easier if you create some psychological and geographic distance between yourself and your father. He won't change. Your skills at dealing with him will very likely improve over time, but in my experience, as you learn more, and develop healthier boundaries and standards for respectful interchange - it just gets harder to be with them. Every time I step back into my FOO it's like they're still 10 year old children squabbling and chucking toys and telling whoppers to avoid detention - and meanwhile I've moved on & done a PhD in ZooKeeping.

You're not alone and I'm glad you've found these boards. They have kept me sane and strong over the years. Take care of yourself, and take care of your life. As one counsellor said to me, you need to plan for happiness and work for change. You need to sit down and work out a structure that will put your life on a different trajectory so that you can live free and clear of the abuse, and you can have a happy, full, and constructive life.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
My last words of advice: look at the tool box. And remember, stop yourself every time you are tempted to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). My response to PDs chucking their toys is 'OK.' And walk away. If they've thrown a tantrum, make sure you do not respond immediately - always give it a good cooling off period of ignoring it, so that you aren't caught in the adrenalin cycle of their need to accelerate conflict.
A good mantra is 'Your crisis is not my emergency.'
We developed a strategy of waiting for 48 hours before responding to any of the PD FOO drama & it's remarkable how once they realise you just won't respond and you aren't an exciting target, they tend to give up on trying to bait you and they look for other victims.
The best thing I ever heard from my uBPD/narcissist sister was 'OMG you are so boring. You are the most boring person I have ever met. What happened to you? You never used to be this boring. It's so dull being around you.'
Me: internally jumping up and down with excitement, mumbles on phone "Hmm, yes, I'm sure you're probably right.'

Peak PD Grey Rock Game level Zen Ninja, Attained.
Good luck, and come vent here, if you need us. A great crew, here.

[anniegreen]

Lots of good advice already given here so I will just say  and congratulations on getting through all that hard work and on starting a new life with your partner.
My next point: you are starting a new life, and toxic, controlling, abusive family do not get to poison that.
You are showing extraordinary insight for the choices that you've made, I'm not sure that I would have had that kind of clarity thirty years ago, despite all the therapy I'd done, even then.
Guilt is a tricky thing to manage & once you are through with your study, it might be a good idea to read up on personality disorders and abusive personalities as this will not be the last battle you have with disordered FOO.
The men in my family regarded me as *property* too. It's extremely destructive and debasing and I echo what the others have said about establishing financial independence.
FWIW I am disgusted that your father would cancel your health insurance, knowing that we are all living through a global pandemic and your career choice puts you at risk of contracting the virus - at high doses, and repeatedly, over time, as our antibodies wear off.
A cluster of us had Covid back in March & I can testify that it is virulent and it's effects are long-lasting. I am pretty healthy & fit for a women in her fifties, but it belted us, hard, and the post-viral fatigue & weird symptoms have continued for months after it. I lost my sense of smell for five weeks & I read an article saying that this may mean I'm at higher risk for developing Parkinsons disease. Great. The fact that your father is willing to throw you to the wolves and sacrifice your health and your financial security because you have a different political opinion is a sign that you are dealing with a controlling abuser who doesn't have a conscience.  At very best he is a dinosaur and his views will suck you under, as well as him, if you stay too closely attached to that bandwagon.
There is a great book called 'Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. They use it as a textbook in the domestic violence studies unit at one of the major universities here in Australia - it's got good credentials. I think it will help you with your FOG (fear/obligation/guilt).

I wasted two decades trying to create change within my disordered FOO, hoping they would follow my example and go to therapy and want to live a better life. If I had my time over, and I knew what I know now, and I could travel back in time and talk to my 21yro self, this is the advice that I would give, and I'm giving it to you.
Geographical distance from disordered FOO is one of the best ways to heal from them. I chose to stay in my home town and I spent three decades fending off smear campaigns, efforts to undermine my friendships, attacks on my career, unrelenting assaults on my mental health. All done in the name of *love*.
They don't know how to love. Their idea of love is to control you like a puppet and mould you into a mirror image of themselves.

I know that you are dealing with immediate issues, your pending graduation, decisions around your marriage (Run Away Bride YESSSS!) and trying to get your partner to understand the depths of disorder in your family.

All of this will be easier if you create some psychological and geographic distance between yourself and your father. He won't change. Your skills at dealing with him will very likely improve over time, but in my experience, as you learn more, and develop healthier boundaries and standards for respectful interchange - it just gets harder to be with them. Every time I step back into my FOO it's like they're still 10 year old children squabbling and chucking toys and telling whoppers to avoid detention - and meanwhile I've moved on & done a PhD in ZooKeeping.

You're not alone and I'm glad you've found these boards. They have kept me sane and strong over the years. Take care of yourself, and take care of your life. As one counsellor said to me, you need to plan for happiness and work for change. You need to sit down and work out a structure that will put your life on a different trajectory so that you can live free and clear of the abuse, and you can have a happy, full, and constructive life.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
My last words of advice: look at the tool box. And remember, stop yourself every time you are tempted to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). My response to PDs chucking their toys is 'OK.' And walk away. If they've thrown a tantrum, make sure you do not respond immediately - always give it a good cooling off period of ignoring it, so that you aren't caught in the adrenalin cycle of their need to accelerate conflict.
A good mantra is 'Your crisis is not my emergency.'
We developed a strategy of waiting for 48 hours before responding to any of the PD FOO drama & it's remarkable how once they realise you just won't respond and you aren't an exciting target, they tend to give up on trying to bait you and they look for other victims.
The best thing I ever heard from my uBPD/narcissist sister was 'OMG you are so boring. You are the most boring person I have ever met. What happened to you? You never used to be this boring. It's so dull being around you.'
Me: internally jumping up and down with excitement, mumbles on phone "Hmm, yes, I'm sure you're probably right.'

Peak PD Grey Rock Game level Zen Ninja, Attained.
Good luck, and come vent here, if you need us. A great crew, here.

Thank you!!!! I read about JADE and definitely used it. I only replied to him when I told him he can participate in my life again once he apologizes, then when he wanted a face to face conversation, and then to inform him we are cancelling the wedding and he can expect a check in the mail. After informing him that we cancelled the wedding, he said I wanted this all along and that I can blame him. I wanted to say "You think I planned an entire wedding just to cancel it!? You think I wanted to lose money!? You think I wanted to be at odds with my father just in time for my graduation, birthday, and wedding!?" BUT then I remembered JADE. I've learned that it's best to just stick with the facts and keep communication to a minimum.
I won't be attending thanksgiving or Christmas this year..... first time in my life.... but thankfully I have my fiance and we will be spending the day with his parents whom I really love. My brother informed me that my dad said he threatened to not pay for the venue as a "joke" and to "teach me a lesson"...... I am an adult. I don't need to be taught a lesson...... he told my fiance - "you try to teach (my name) a lesson and she teaches you one instead".
I am going to keep my distance for now. & one day after an apology, perhaps we can have a relationship again with very strong boundaries.

[M0009803]

Lots of good advice already given here so I will just say  and congratulations on getting through all that hard work and on starting a new life with your partner.
My next point: you are starting a new life, and toxic, controlling, abusive family do not get to poison that.
You are showing extraordinary insight for the choices that you've made, I'm not sure that I would have had that kind of clarity thirty years ago, despite all the therapy I'd done, even then.
Guilt is a tricky thing to manage & once you are through with your study, it might be a good idea to read up on personality disorders and abusive personalities as this will not be the last battle you have with disordered FOO.
The men in my family regarded me as *property* too. It's extremely destructive and debasing and I echo what the others have said about establishing financial independence.
FWIW I am disgusted that your father would cancel your health insurance, knowing that we are all living through a global pandemic and your career choice puts you at risk of contracting the virus - at high doses, and repeatedly, over time, as our antibodies wear off.
A cluster of us had Covid back in March & I can testify that it is virulent and it's effects are long-lasting. I am pretty healthy & fit for a women in her fifties, but it belted us, hard, and the post-viral fatigue & weird symptoms have continued for months after it. I lost my sense of smell for five weeks & I read an article saying that this may mean I'm at higher risk for developing Parkinsons disease. Great. The fact that your father is willing to throw you to the wolves and sacrifice your health and your financial security because you have a different political opinion is a sign that you are dealing with a controlling abuser who doesn't have a conscience.  At very best he is a dinosaur and his views will suck you under, as well as him, if you stay too closely attached to that bandwagon.
There is a great book called 'Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. They use it as a textbook in the domestic violence studies unit at one of the major universities here in Australia - it's got good credentials. I think it will help you with your FOG (fear/obligation/guilt).

I wasted two decades trying to create change within my disordered FOO, hoping they would follow my example and go to therapy and want to live a better life. If I had my time over, and I knew what I know now, and I could travel back in time and talk to my 21yro self, this is the advice that I would give, and I'm giving it to you.
Geographical distance from disordered FOO is one of the best ways to heal from them. I chose to stay in my home town and I spent three decades fending off smear campaigns, efforts to undermine my friendships, attacks on my career, unrelenting assaults on my mental health. All done in the name of *love*.
They don't know how to love. Their idea of love is to control you like a puppet and mould you into a mirror image of themselves.

I know that you are dealing with immediate issues, your pending graduation, decisions around your marriage (Run Away Bride YESSSS!) and trying to get your partner to understand the depths of disorder in your family.

All of this will be easier if you create some psychological and geographic distance between yourself and your father. He won't change. Your skills at dealing with him will very likely improve over time, but in my experience, as you learn more, and develop healthier boundaries and standards for respectful interchange - it just gets harder to be with them. Every time I step back into my FOO it's like they're still 10 year old children squabbling and chucking toys and telling whoppers to avoid detention - and meanwhile I've moved on & done a PhD in ZooKeeping.

You're not alone and I'm glad you've found these boards. They have kept me sane and strong over the years. Take care of yourself, and take care of your life. As one counsellor said to me, you need to plan for happiness and work for change. You need to sit down and work out a structure that will put your life on a different trajectory so that you can live free and clear of the abuse, and you can have a happy, full, and constructive life.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
My last words of advice: look at the tool box. And remember, stop yourself every time you are tempted to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). My response to PDs chucking their toys is 'OK.' And walk away. If they've thrown a tantrum, make sure you do not respond immediately - always give it a good cooling off period of ignoring it, so that you aren't caught in the adrenalin cycle of their need to accelerate conflict.
A good mantra is 'Your crisis is not my emergency.'
We developed a strategy of waiting for 48 hours before responding to any of the PD FOO drama & it's remarkable how once they realise you just won't respond and you aren't an exciting target, they tend to give up on trying to bait you and they look for other victims.
The best thing I ever heard from my uBPD/narcissist sister was 'OMG you are so boring. You are the most boring person I have ever met. What happened to you? You never used to be this boring. It's so dull being around you.'
Me: internally jumping up and down with excitement, mumbles on phone "Hmm, yes, I'm sure you're probably right.'

Peak PD Grey Rock Game level Zen Ninja, Attained.
Good luck, and come vent here, if you need us. A great crew, here.

Thank you!!!! I read about JADE and definitely used it. I only replied to him when I told him he can participate in my life again once he apologizes, then when he wanted a face to face conversation, and then to inform him we are cancelling the wedding and he can expect a check in the mail. After informing him that we cancelled the wedding, he said I wanted this all along and that I can blame him. I wanted to say "You think I planned an entire wedding just to cancel it!? You think I wanted to lose money!? You think I wanted to be at odds with my father just in time for my graduation, birthday, and wedding!?" BUT then I remembered JADE. I've learned that it's best to just stick with the facts and keep communication to a minimum.
I won't be attending thanksgiving or Christmas this year..... first time in my life.... but thankfully I have my fiance and we will be spending the day with his parents whom I really love. My brother informed me that my dad said he threatened to not pay for the venue as a "joke" and to "teach me a lesson"...... I am an adult. I don't need to be taught a lesson...... he told my fiance - "you try to teach (my name) a lesson and she teaches you one instead".
I am going to keep my distance for now. & one day after an apology, perhaps we can have a relationship again with very strong boundaries.

I had similar issues with our wedding.

If your parents response to your nuptials is that dysfunctional, there usually is no way to return to any kind of healthy, normal relationship.   Have yet to read a wedding story on here that ended up with a normal relarionship after toxic wedding behavior.  Usually ends in NC or VLC.

My wife told me a few times that we should have never invited my FOO.  They tried to blow up the wedding, but ultimately failed (they did create an emotional ruckus though which ruined things a bit).

In hindsight, she is probably correct but it was hard to see that at the time because I was still in the FOG.

If your fiance's family is healthy (and it sounds like they are), I would focus on doing something small with them and some of your friends to celebrate.

Life events are much, much more enjoyable when you are enjoying them surrounded by happy, positive people.  I had to learn this the hard way unfortunately.

[Starboard Song]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on all the exciting things going on in your life right now.  Graduating from college, starting a new career, eloping (how romantic!) with a supportive fiance.  Enjoy every bit of it.