fear after going NC?

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

I recently -- a few months ago -- went NC with my NM (or possibly BPDM -- who knows, who cares?) There have been a few hoover and FM attempts but nothing too bad. My issue right now is that I'm in so much fear -- an irrational, childlike fear of "getting in trouble" or making a mistake that is interfering with the kind of work I'd like to be doing -- combined with a horrid inner critic that repeats exactly the comments about being a failure that caused me to go NC in the first place!

Then, if I give up on that work for the day, the fear and critic will follow me around and ruin my experience of most everything else I try to do.

Has anyone been in a similar place, and if so, how did you cope? Thank you!

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi frogjumpsout (love the name!) I deal with similar struggles. The inner critic, and guilt, seize me sometimes. And like you describe, I realize they are the voices of PD family still caught in my head, being critical of all I do. NC is like a detox...the more you go in the less power these voices will have, even if it takes a while....but it's a fight at first. (I'm NC only almost 5 months so I still have a lot of work to do.)

In my experience, these things are all wrapped up in anxiety for me. So I tend to go to my anxiety toolbox dealing with the inner critic: when it's at a fever pitch I do some "grounding" exercises: trying to get myself back in the moment/present and into my body, and out of the heady thinking, by cycling through things I can touch, smell, see, hear, or even taste right then and there. Taste and touch work best for me: eating something sumptuous or wrapping myself up in a blanket or sheets, experiencing how they feel, lighting incense or a candle which smells good. Music or a podcast work great, too. Watching a comforting show I love. It brings me back and away from heady thinking/inner critiquing.

Also: talk back to that inner critic. I've realized very recently (which is funny you post about this right now!) that some of my negative thoughts are indeed the inner critic, yes, but they're really actually my PD family members' disembodied beliefs. I respond with "that's not my opinion, that's yours. I send it back." That has helped. It's taken time for me to realize those opinions aren't even mine! Practicing mindfulness (and the grounding) can help with this. Also, learning to observe the opinions/thoughts in your mind, and then let them go, instead of absorbing or even judging them or letting them envelop you, which is hard but possible... (Sometimes I think of my thoughts as playing out on a projector screen and I'm a distant observer. That works though I do better with the little "that's not mine, that's yours" dialogue, it feels more like a pushback and effective.)

Hope that helps! I am by no means 100% anxiety free. And I, like you, have that fear that PD FOO could pop out of nowhere and "deal me punishment." But these things have really helped me personally and carved out some sanity, clarity, and peace in the face of inevitable waves of guilt, doubt, self-critique, and being hard on myself. Others here have told me it gets easier, so don't give up!!!

[newlife33]

I wanted to Second everything that the above poster put, that is incredible advice.

I'm coming up on four years no contact in December. I relate wholeheartedly to the sense of guilt and shame and like I'm going to get in trouble. This is a new cultural phenomenon of people leaving abusive parental figures en masse. The social conditioning many of us were induction into was that family comes above all else and they must be supported. This is a horrendous thing and is why I believe a lot of us have so much guilt and shame about breaking free.

One thing that really helped me was not calling my family by the names brother sister or Dad. Instead I use their real names. (I've changed them for this example). For instance instead of saying, "My father was abusive to me." I would say "Jerome was abusive to me." This little word exchange did a lot of Wonders for me to make myself realize that I did have to leave and I was making the right decisions.

It's definitely not an easy ride but it's worth it. Finding hobbies that you enjoy, going out into nature, swimming, exercising, eating right and having a weekly routine helped greatly

[BettyGray]

Yes. That fear is super-intense in the beginning stages of NC.  It's overwhelming and visceral. 

Fear of backlash/punishment
Fear of them just showing up
Fear of them finding my new address
Fear of making the wrong decision
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the intensity of emotion
Fear I was going crazy
Fear of flying monkeys
Fear of ... add your own

If you can maintain NC it will give you the space to sort out all of these emotions. Eventually the constant, intense feelings will give way to peace and open brand new parts of you.

I was a few years in when I noticed that the critical voice in my head was just - gone. I was so different that I couldn't believe the things I used to say to myself. I used to despair for days when I made even small mistakes.

Great suggestions above. Whatever you can muster to not feed the fear, do it. Make it smaller by writing down what you are scared of in that moment. Ask yourself if it is rational  or true.  It may not quell the intensity, but it is a good way to get out of your head/emotions and into a safe headspace with no judgement. Plus, the farther you get along your journey, the record will make you appreciate your progress.  Because you will have ups and downs, times when you think you are ok, then the voices kick in.  Having your progress documented is a wise way to acknowledge your emotions as real and valid. You can document good moments of progress, too. Write down when you are feeling strong, liberated, or at peace.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I wanted to Second everything that the above poster put, that is incredible advice.

Thank you newlife33

I was a few years in when I noticed that the critical voice in my head was just - gone. I was so different that I couldn't believe the things I used to say to myself. I used to despair for days when I made even small mistakes.

In NC it's nuts how distinct these voices start to become. I can't emphasize enough how recent this revelation is: only a couple days ago. For so long, they were just "there" without a name. Now I realize they're my siblings and my M and they're loud and clear (and clearly them, too).

Things I say to myself like "that joke or goof is stupid and not funny, you shouldn't have said it" That's my siblings. "You and your husband are arguing about who makes the best chili? Hmmmmm....sounds like a marriage with problems." That's my M. And so many judgmental comments I realize are SO ridiculous compared to the fun, goofiness, and silly chili debates I'm able to accept and have in my marriage and with friends now that FOO isn't in the middle of the picture anymore. Any doubt I had about these things, it was them the whole time!!!!

The most astonishing part: I was doing most of the work for these voices. The above things are things my family would rarely if ever say. All they had to do was plant the seed with extreme covert behavior and words, and my brain did the inner critiquing, bullying, and put-downs for them.

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks so much, everyone! For the past few days, I've been trying out the suggestions and feeling so grateful for the care and understanding you've given me.

DistanceNotDefense -- thanks, I like your name, too! I tried blanketing and candling (although, is that something with ears? I just mean lighting a candle) and although a part of my mind kept telling me to get to work, I stuck with it (for a little while, anyway) and it really helped!

"Sending it back" is good, too. I love your examples about the judgmental comments! I heard one today: "You've only really done one hour of real work." And I realized that I count up my work-hours  in an effort to prove that I deserve to exist (my mother considered aborting me and continued to verbally re-litigate that question for decades after my birth.) It's sad! I'm going to try to attack that one as a core belief that was passed down to me.

newlife33 -- thank you! I tried calling my FOO by their given names too -- made the mistake of doing it once in front of one of them and got mocked for like 10 minutes: "Don't you mean, MOM?!!!!!" But I like to use given names when discussing them with friends -- should also do more of it inside my own head.

Liz1018 -- thank you for that very validating list of fears, which is an example of the kind of documentation you were describing, I think. I will try writing down the fears, maybe when I'm a little less tired, and maybe break out some of my old Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets to address them.  I also find that I forget to be on my own side when I'm afraid. Whatever the thing is that I fear feels like the only priority. Maybe Pete Walker's advice about self-mothering/fathering might be helpful with that.

Thanks, also, for the encouragement that things will get better!  to all of you and I hope we have the chance to connect again here.  , frog