Navigating old divorce wounds with unPDMIL

[yummblatzz]

Hello - first time poster, long time reader 

This is a long winding post to ask - is it inflammatory to make a holiday card with a group family photo (couple&baby, grandma&grandpa, grandpa&grandpa) if MIL isn't included?
... if MIL interprets EVERYTHING as inflammatory against her, does it even matter?

My husband's FOO/backstory is incredibly complex and there is no way to explain it in detail with anonymity to be honest but I will try!
unPDMIL and FIL had highly acrimonious divorce during husband's infancy related to FIL's sexuality; she separated him from his Dad until around age 3 by moving out of the country.
By the time my husband meets his Dad, he meets his Dad's partner and he now has 2 Dads!

Fast forward - My husband and I have been together 5 years.
We have a beautiful baby boy who is becoming more and more of a toddler every day!
His Dads are very much still happily together after nearly 30 years.

MIL is a complete nightmare.
Textbook covert narc, perpetrator of emotional incest and parental alienation.
There is a serious disconnect between the 'public persona' she believes she is portraying and the reality of situations.

She has gone out of her way to create a scene/chaos/drama at every turn in our lives together (quick examples without context -  invited extra guests to our wedding/without not telling us, having a tantrum, crying and leaving before cake! at said wedding, calling 2 days later during our 10 day honeymoon to inform husband "I'm putting Grandma on hospice" and requesting he attend a family meeting with her/getting angry when he reiterated he was on his honeymoon, refusing to host/plan or be involved in anyway during my pregnancy (informed family "I have nothing to do with THAT" re: a baby shower her sister/sisters in law ended up organizing after she had seemingly started some kind of "rumor" in the family that led both of them reaching out to me  with religious, anti-abortion resources...?!) or when my husband had to ask her to leave the hospital after our son was born because she was being intrusive (no, you don't need to observe my lactation consultation...)

She attempts to use her elderly father/sister as flying monkeys but they too have grown weary of her drama and seem to understand our plain and honest truth - this isn't a family vs. family conspiracy.
My husband has asked his Mom "please stop hurting me" and she effectively says, "Yeah... but..." and that is unacceptable to him.

She has stated plainly that the torment for her is NOT in not having a relationship with her son or grandson, it is "painful that people ask me about you guys and I don't have anything to say, I don't know what I'm supposed to say at church." She said she "just wants to be a Grandma who bakes cookies" and that essentially, my husband won't let her. Despite having deleted me from social media, she seems to escalate in behavior around posts made on social media, she seems to view all of our family events as somehow targeted attacks against her. This leads to anxiety from me with a succinct awareness that everything we post or say or do can and WILL be used against us in her narcissistic court where she serves as judge, jury and executioner.

Also in case you were wondering, we really can't just be "nice" and include her in invitations to things because she creepily fawns over/pines for FIL during any interactions, behaving literally like a delusional school girl who won't let her crush go and also completely IGNORING my other FIL as though he is not there even when she is in HIS home. One holiday when I was pregnant, we tried to have one meal and she spent the whole night going through FILs old yearbook and getting jealous over what other women had written in it and basically trying to flirt with him? His husband and I were bored to tears; my husband was emotionally devastated on so many levels.

This is a lot and there is surely a lot more I'm just looking for anyone's advice on how to navigate divorced in-laws with this PD component? Anyone else struggle with demands of the appearance of equity...?

Since we can't visit Santa this year, we were thinking of making our holiday cards from photos taken at our upcoming Thanksgiving OR a family vacation we took last year (my parents/hubs' dads get along famously) but I just can't stomach the thought of our joy being weaponized against us... again? If everything that makes us happy makes her angry... maybe we really CAN'T do anything right so does it matter...?

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum

i deal with some MIL issues as well, but we  only have the brand new third husband issue to deal with vs your two dads and a ex MIL.  we are all so HAPPY MIL got married because before she met her husband, she had planned to live with 3 of her 5 children for 3-4 months a year and rotate between our households.  when i told her hell no she didn't speak to me for almost two years (it was magical!)

i like your idea of using an older picture from a happier time of everyone together even better if she's not in it.   if you send her a different card altogether to avoid any additional drama will she know?

[yummblatzz]

Thank you for your reply and the insight it brought me!

She would know if she got an alternate card unless I sent alternate card to "the ENTIRE Blahblahblah FAMILY!!!" which is sort of annoying but may be necessary while we continue to build trust and hold space for our relationships with others in "her" family... because she would rage-bomb them and pull a lot of stunts to try and garner that victim attention for herself and NO ONE is interested in it!

[SunnyMeadow]

I also suggest sending MIL a totally different card. But I see you mentioned she would know she received an alternate card. I get it, my uNPD mom would too. She'd ask family members in passing about the card I sent.  You can't win with them.

Glad you're here!

[WinterStar]

maybe we really CAN'T do anything right so does it matter...?

Bingo. PDs are going to do what they're going to do. We try to control it and mitigate damage, but it's not our game, and we can never win. Trying to control a PD is an exercise in futility and will only exhaust the person attempting it.

[Thru the Rain]

The one thing that jumps right out at me as I read your story is this: You didn't cause this drama, neither did your DH.

A mean part of me says if your MIL is going to have a public meltdown and tantrum, why not give her a reason?

And a less mean part of me says maybe you could make one of the collage type cards - I've seen lovely cards where families have a few pictures. Are there ANY pics of MIL with the baby? Maybe include that? Or maybe a pic of just you, DH and baby - maybe this version could go to her entire "wing"  of the family?

But at the end of the day, it's your Christmas card and you should include/not include pictures that reflect your family. Your MIL is going to create drama no matter what, so do what feels right for you.

[Hilltop]

Yes PD's will cause drama at any chance they get however I would feel that your MIL is justified in being hurt by this.  It is exclusionary behaviour and not very kind.  Yes you are entitled to have any photo you like on your card however I feel this sends a strong message to everyone.  You have included everyone in your immediate family but her.  If you are cut off then yes its fine, if you aren't cut off then its a double insult.  You are first excluding her as the only grandparent left out and you have excluded the only single person in the group.  This would cut deep to a non PD person as well.

I get that she is trouble and has caused you pain.  I get that this is your card and you can have who you like but when she does get upset and hurt over this, it will not be because she is PD but because you did do something that is excluding of her and hurtful. 

I believe in putting boundaries in place but I struggle to see the sense in being openly hostile in front  of the whole family.  You are sending a clear message that you don't view her as part of your family, if that's how you feel own it but also own any criticism that comes from that.

[treesgrowslowly]

This is sadly a perfect example of how a family with a PD has challenges that other families just don't face.

So I think a lot of us see different sides to this. My first reaction honestly was that you could avoid a family photo all together and this avoid this whole situation. This reaction of mine...its likely due to decades and decades of PD family drama and just not wanting any of it anymore.

That said, we each have our own desires to make holidays special. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I have to say I agree with where Hilltop said that you are sending a message that you do not see her as a member of the family. If you are ok sending that message then that is your choice.

Me personally I am at the point where if i did want to have a family portrait taken I would be fine with excluding the PDs.... and would leave all the PDs out of family portrait day because that's where I'm at frankly.

You asked is it inflammatory. If you mean will it upset your MIL yes it sure sounds like that is what you can expect. I guess it comes down to what message you want to send with this card.

What would also stop me is the barrage of flying monkeys I would have harassing me after sending a card with the PDs absent from the family photo. If your MIL has a lot of flying monkeys in the family then you should prepare for what is likely... based on your experience with them.

Trees