experience with non-violent communication?

[sevenyears]

I've recently been introduced to the work of Marshal Rosenberg on non-violent communication. His premise is that harmful behavior results when people don't have effective strategies for meeting their needs, and that two people can always find a way to meet each other's needs. The first part of his premise sounds reasonable. I'm not convinced the second part of his premise is possible when dealing with PDs. What do you think?

The technique is: 1) express your observance of the problem (as factually as possible); 2) express your feelings; 3) express your needs; 4) make your request to change specific behavior without blaming language. He categorizes three groups of feelings/emotions: emotions when a person's needs are met; emotions when a person's needs are unfulfilled; and "fake" feelings (ie judgments).

has anyone tried this technique? What were the results? 

[Amadahy]

Hi sevenyears!

I took a two day seminar/workshop based on this method and found it useful for things like community work or casual friendly relationships (like work or civic groups).  There is no way in hades that this would work with my Nmom.  Really, the most useful communication techniques  to use with a PD person are those I've found on this site in the toolbox, even though they are, in no way whatsoever, satisfying.  I think sometimes the best I could do was to survive with my sanity (somewhat) intact by using things like grey rock, medium chill and refraining from JADE.  It's especially hard when we are someone who likes to make connection and speak honestly to resort to these.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that Rosenberg's techniques with a PD person could open one up to great harm because the PD simply *cannot* experience empathy for another's needs or desires and sometimes take great joy in hurting someone who dares to express them.  It's been one of the hardest parts of this journey for me -- to realize that I'll never be able to show my mother who I really am, what I really love, what's important to me, etc.  The best we've been able to do is talk about things like the weather or pets, nothing intimate or personally meaningful whatsoever.  It's very sad, to me. 

I will also say, on a lighter note, that this method would not work at all for work with my city council, where ulterior motives abound.  LOL.   (I think that's what the workshop in my area hoped to address.)  Ah, humans! 

[Associate of Daniel]

What Amadahy wrote. Sorry!

There is no way those techniques would work with my uNPDs.  It would just fuel their fire/give them the supply they need, and invite more drama for me.

It might work with some other forms of pd, but certainly not with my uNPDs.

AOD

[Jolie40]

agree with Amadahy

I'm SG so no interest in me or my child
doubt they even realize I went NC this summer

it was on me to call or visit
with calls, conversation was about their latest illness/invented disease OR bragging on GC & their kids
no interest whatsoever in me or my child

[Hattie]

Au contraire, I found NVC completely amazing for communicating with my Nex and with basically everyone in my life.

It allows you to express yourself fully without criticising, so I think it was a lot less triggering of narcissistic injury for my ex. He went into fewer rages after I learnt NVC. It also helped me be really clear about my needs and feelings.

If I express myself with NVC, and i still get a bad reaction from the other person, it is much less likely to trigger a shame attack for me, as I know I have done my best to communicate well.

I really like that there is a simple formula to use, as it is easy to remember under stress.

I have done a couple of courses in it, and even joined a practice group for a while. Massively recommend it. It was one of the things in my recovery that was totally revolutionary for me.

[sevenyears]

Your experiences are so helpful. My uOCPD/N ExH and I communicate mostly by email about the children. I've tried this technique twice. He hasn't responded to either message. I  think he can't deal with the fact that others have needs beyond his own (kinda like a two-year-old).  I think it helps me to express my needs and wants. I'm sure though that he will use these messages against me the next time we end up in court and try to say that I'm mentally unstable.

[Hilltop]

I have used these techniques.  With my MIL she used the information I gave on what I felt to further hurt me.  The behaviours that I said were hurtful doubled after I spoke to her.  With PD's when they know your vulnerabilities they use that information for themselves.  Notice that they don't participate in the conversation, they don't let you know what they think or feel, they don't want to show their vulnerabilities but certainly want to know yours.

With my parents they used any information I gave them to either mock me, blame me or smear me.  They have also not participated in the conversation by revealing what they feel or think but have used the conversation to entirely blame me and highlight my faults and then pass that information on to other people painting me as depressed or difficult.

I feel like this would work if you had two people in a healthy relationship that both wanted to work on clearing the air however for me it hasn't worked with any of the PD's I know and seems to give them ammunition against me to hurt me more

[Free2Bme]

 
It has been my experience that any "healthy' conflict resolution techniques are weaponized by PD's and therefore useless in these relationships.

Prior to my divorce, our T recommended something similar by Sherod Miller "Couple Communication I Collaborative Marriage Skills".  The pretense is the same, "what I observe", "what I feel", "what I want",  a solutions based method. 

There's no point unless both parties are willing and desiring good things for the relationship.  This is a lost concept on PD's.

[Sapling]

Hi sevenyears,

I'm going to echo what everyone else has said on here. In my experience too, NVC doesn't work with PDs because they're not motivated by the same things as nons (eg. trying to be a better person, considering the needs of others, trying to be fair, wanting healthier relationships etc). And they'll quickly become adept at using this language against you. It'll just be a new fun game for them. I used to think "if I just communicate better things might change" and now I think its better to save this kind of honest, heartfelt communication for people who have the capacity to actually care. It was disconcerting to realise this but it also freed up the emotional energy I was throwing into the black hole of PD conflict and false hopes.