Slight variation on the financial hoover -- advice?

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

Thank you again for the previous good advice and support! My basic situation is that I'm trying to go VVLC/NC with my birth-mother. She sent me a hurtful letter discarding me, and then tried to reel me back in later when she "needed" me.  I told her I agreed with her original decision to cut ties, but that if she wanted, we could try sending brief email updates a few times a year. She responded with calls to my DH and lord knows who else bemoaning my cruelty and desire to "throw her away." Plus a fair amount of other types of hoovering, to which I have not responded. I did send my birth-parents flowers when my mother's mother died (more on this below.)

I have not gone NC with my birth-father, only because he's not as harassing and malignant. He can be both of those things, though, so I'm definitely willing to go NC with him too if it comes to that. He and I have pretty much always been LC, even when we were living in the same house. And he's an FM right now, trying to get me to come to events, etc.

Anyway, my malignant BPD grandmother recently died  and left me an inheritance...sort of. She liked to control people with money and I think maybe she gifted that capacity to my NM when she died -- or maybe my NM asked for this level of control over the purse-strings, which is also her jam. She told my NM how much she wanted to give me but rather than leaving it to me outright, she left it to NM, who was then to pass it along.

Honestly, I didn't expect to get anything after going NC. But today, I got a check representing a fraction of that inheritance, along with a card that pretended everything was fine between me and NM, written by NM and signed by both birth-parents. The card wished me and DH happy holidays and promised more money to come in the next year.

I am planning on taking the money, and I want to respond in a decent way -- I would reach out to thank the senders if this were an ordinary situation -- but I also want to maintain NC. This is another double-bind, isn't it? As I see it, my options are to:

1) Not respond at all
2) Send an email or card to my enF with a brief thanks and happy holidays
3) Send an email or card to both of them with the same message

Of course, I'm now obsessing over this, and I'm sure that that's what NM wanted, too. Going NC has been rough for me -- as it usually it for most people -- and I had a panic attack in a park today. I really wish this card hadn't been waiting when I got home.

Anyway, I'd very much appreciate hearing what other people here have done in similar situations.  And thank you for reading (this got long)!

[Thru the Rain]

I would say that since your M **knows** you are NC with her, any actions on her side don't require a response from you.

Do you have a copy of your grandmother's will? Do you know for a fact that she intended money to go to your M and then to you? Is it supposed to be trickled out in this way at your M's whim?

Or did she actually leave the money to your M, and the rest is a story your M made up to keep you in line?

Either way, I wouldn't respond about the money directly. Send a holiday greeting to your Dad or to both parents if that was already your plan.

[notrightinthehead]

I would choose option 3.
There is no harm in being polite. And by sending a card to thank them and wish them a happy holiday you are not really breaking No Contact.

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks, Thru the Rain and notrightinthehead!! It's so busy around the holidays, and I appreciate you both taking the time to think through this rather silly problem with me.

Thru the Rain, you bring up a good point. And no, I've never seen a copy of the will. I did receive a message earlier from NM stating that they were consulting a lawyer about how best to distribute it given tax laws. But yes, there is definitely a possibility of it all having been a made-up story -- I have no way of knowing for sure. What I do know is that I have no intention of breaking NC or doing anything for the money. I just want to be polite about this sum having been sent.

notrightinthehead, thank you! I did end up sending a very simple holiday card to both of them. (Figured it might be better to separate holiday wishes and thanks for this check.) The worry with sending an email thanks to NM is that she might consider that breaking NC, even if it isn't?  But it is definitely more polite to thank both of them. 

Thanks again. I hope your Decembers are going well and peacefully!

[JustKathy]

Hi frogjumpsout,

Something eerily similar happened to me with my Nmother. I had recently gone NC with her when my grandmother died. A few weeks after GM died, my mother sent me a check (smallish amount, around $1000). The check came with a letter saying it was my share of the inheritance, and like your letter, she pretended everything was fine between us. I figured this was money from my grandmother's will so I cashed the check and did not send my mother a reply.

About three months later I received an email from a cousin who I hadn't seen since childhood. He was the executor of my grandmother's estate and told me that she had requested her house be sold and the money split equally between her 13 grandchildren. I gave him my address and he sent me a check for the real inheritance amount. Also, the check was not a personal check but one that said "Smith Family Estate" (that's not the real name, but it was an official account). So as it turned out, the money my Nmother sent me was her own money and it was sent as a hoovering attempt. There's no way to know if that's what your own mother is doing, but in my case, I'm really glad I didn't reply.

If you're NC and don't want to break it, then I wouldn't respond. Or as Thru the Rain said, try to get a copy of your grandmother's will to confirm whether or not she intended for you to receive this money. If your mother was the executor of the estate, it makes sense that she would be sending the money, but if someone else was the executor, any inheritance would be distributed by that individual. That was my experience, anyway.

[frogjumpsout]

That's really interesting, JustKathy, thank you! I don't really feel like investigating the issue of the will, because I was NC with my grandmother, too, and so in a way don't feel I really have a right to her money? I dunno. But if I hear from her lawyer, I'll definitely post about that here.

I ended up sending them both a short email message: "thanks, check from grandma's estate received" and an equally short paper holiday card. Hope they don't interpret it as breaking NC, but they might...However, I am as committed as before to not talking or having holidays together again.

[frogjumpsout]

Ugh, just checked my email and got a "Happy holidays, and there's absolutely nothing the matter between us and never has been"-type email, signed "Love, Mom," that might as well have had a "P.S. I'm definitely not crazy" at the end. I guess I ended up intermittently reinforcing. Won't make that mistake again.

Trying not to be too hard on myself: I'm learning how to do this. Thanks again, everyone!