Finally Going NC for Good...Maybe

[harlowblakely]

TLDR: What are some suggestions of resources to give my boyfriend's family about BPD so they can understand the complex emotions I have around my mom better? and/or How have you handled similar situations?

This is the second time I have gone NC with my BPD mother (from now on referred to as BPDM). The first time it lasted a year and I just didn't want to be that girl without a mom. I have since grown a lot from that line of thinking and realized I don't have to hold that label if I don't want to.

This time going NC felt so much more permanent and really felt a lot more freeing rather than like a burden. It mainly started because BPDM and I had an argument. I called her out on all the things she had ever done to me. It was incredibly unproductive but of course she felt like we reached some sort of happy conclusion. That started this fire in me, I didn't want to feel suffocated anymore. Then she didn't contact me for 2 months. But she did contact my brother who hasn't wanted to talk to her for 15 years. I always knew I was lesser than him in my mom's eyes but this time felt more real. My brother was trying to get an item of his back from her. Something she has held onto for 15 years in hopes that it could be a bargaining chip some day. As soon as he contacted her, I didn't matter to her. Honestly, I am grateful she did that because it slapped me to my senses. That being said it has now been 4 months of NC. She has texted me in group chats with my brother multiple times, we don't respond. Just last week I blocked her number because I don't want to even worry about what stupid stuff she's texting me.

In those 4 months she has driven by my current residence with my dad and my brother at least two times. Our house is not in a heavily populated area, she had no reason to be there other than she wanted to. We were doing some remodeling and she called the county on us and got our building stopped and it has still not been able to resume. And just last week she found my other brother's address and sent him a package. This all to say I feel like she is ramping up and I wouldn't be surprised if she starts doing more.

Sorry to have so much backstory but I feel like it is important. Next month I will be seeing my boyfriend's family. They are incredibly sweet people and a pretty average family, parents still together and relatively mentally healthy. I know it is very confusing to them to hear how I talk about BPDM. Sometimes I talk fondly of her because there were good moments sometimes and some that seemed good in the moment until I realized the manipulation of them as an adult. My boyfriend's mother has a habit of when I saw bad things about my mom saying things like, "Oh, well all families have their issues." And I don't disagree with her sentiment but it feels really diminishing of the actual things I have been through. I haven't told her details of my childhood because I am really not trying to get her to pity me but I just want her to understand where I am coming from when I say bad things about BPDM. I know a part of me wanting her to understand is also that I spent so much of my childhood not being believed about what was going on. Now I only want to be surrounded by people who believe, which I know isn't realistic but I want to try where I can.

I thought about talking to her and trying to help her understand but my therapist suggested sending her resources on BPD and what it is like to grow up around someone who has BPD. That way she can understand in a general sense. I was hoping that I could get some suggestions from you all. I don't want to give her anything like a book, just some shorter easily digestible articles or something. I am sending it to his whole family so it doesn't feel like I am just singling out his mom and because I know it's probably confusing for all of them.

Besides this I'd love to hear how you have handled similar situations.

Thanks in advanced for any and all suggestions.

[GettingOOTF]

Honestly I handle other people by not discussing issues with them that they won’t or can’t understand. I’ve come to see that this is what brings me the most peace.

I get wanting to have everyone know where you are coming from, understanding and supporting you. I have been there too. Family relationships are complex and hearing about other people’s dysfunctional families is often triggering for a lot of people.

I let people get to know me so they judge me for who they see me being, not their ideas about how things should be. You can’t force understanding. I am not sure I agree with your therapist’s suggestion. For me I don’t want my past or my relationship with my family to be the defining thing about me in my new relationships.  I’d give it some more thought. Sending literature about an issue to an entire family is quite presumptuous and it may not be received the way you are hoping.

The thing I found most helpful in dealing with my relationship with my family and integrating it in to other aspects of my life, like new relationships, was reading Codependent No More. It really helped me to let go of my need to have everyone understand and accept my situation from my perspective.   

[Hepatica]

Hi harlowblakely,

Thank you for telling us and sharing and welcome to the forum.

My suggestion, and this is from my own experience. What I am learning is that the most important person to "get it" is ourselves. We have to fill any any gap or crack that allows self-doubt to creep in. For me, that comes from reading and educating myself, oh and watching Jerry Wise and Dr. Ramani youtube videos. I think once we are firm in standing by ourselves we get to the point where there's no need to convince anyone else.

That said, we do not need and probably should not be alone with this struggle. It's good that you have a therapist and this forum. If there were any support groups where i live I'd join one. I think it does help to find every source of strength and outlet to process all of this.

From reading what you've written, it appears that your mother is a very desperate person and it's good that you are blocking her. You really don't need any of that toxic energy in your life, as you choose to heal.

Choose healing and keep to that. Focus on educating yourself and finding what makes you happy.

[harlowblakely]

Honestly I handle other people by not discussing issues with them that they won't or can't understand. I've come to see that this is what brings me the most peace.

I get wanting to have everyone know where you are coming from, understanding and supporting you. I have been there too. Family relationships are complex and hearing about other people's dysfunctional families is often triggering for a lot of people.

I let people get to know me so they judge me for who they see me being, not their ideas about how things should be. You can't force understanding. I am not sure I agree with your therapist's suggestion. For me I don't want my past or my relationship with my family to be the defining thing about me in my new relationships.  I'd give it some more thought. Sending literature about an issue to an entire family is quite presumptuous and it may not be received the way you are hoping.

The thing I found most helpful in dealing with my relationship with my family and integrating it in to other aspects of my life, like new relationships, was reading Codependent No More. It really helped me to let go of my need to have everyone understand and accept my situation from my perspective.

That all makes a lot of sense I do appreciate it all. I think what I find difficult is that it's not like I have cut my mother out of my vocabulary, so I will talk about her, the good and the bad, and I worry that that makes me seem crazy and that maybe I am making it all up.

I think your comment really did help me notice that the issue I am dealing with is a much more personal one rather than an issue with them. This insecurity I feel is definitely more in my head and about my experiences rather than how they are actually perceiving the situation. I am currently reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" but I will add that book to my list.
Thank you

[harlowblakely]

Hi harlowblakely,

Thank you for telling us and sharing and welcome to the forum.

My suggestion, and this is from my own experience. What I am learning is that the most important person to "get it" is ourselves. We have to fill any any gap or crack that allows self-doubt to creep in. For me, that comes from reading and educating myself, oh and watching Jerry Wise and Dr. Ramani youtube videos. I think once we are firm in standing by ourselves we get to the point where there's no need to convince anyone else.

That said, we do not need and probably should not be alone with this struggle. It's good that you have a therapist and this forum. If there were any support groups where i live I'd join one. I think it does help to find every source of strength and outlet to process all of this.

From reading what you've written, it appears that your mother is a very desperate person and it's good that you are blocking her. You really don't need any of that toxic energy in your life, as you choose to heal.

Choose healing and keep to that. Focus on educating yourself and finding what makes you happy.

Thank you for your advice.

I have recently gotten to the place of trying to "get it" myself. I am currently reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and am finding some solace in it. What you said makes a lot of sense, I definitely think that I still have a hard time coming to terms with my own account of the events so of course I would be projecting that onto other people. I am still learning that most people don't overanalyze me as much as I do myself.

I am still reconciling the whole situation with my mom but I am slowly coming to the understanding that it will never be comfortable whether she's in my life or not and I have to be okay with that. I don't see myself wanting her back in my life in the future, I just hope that she doesn't follow me long term.

Thank you again

[treesgrowslowly]

If you are looking for articles I would suggest the ones written by Darlene Lancer on codependency and boundaries might be helpful as they are written straightforward and plain language with lists of ideas.

That said I think that your question might be more about how do you feel dismissed when your boyfriends mother or others brush off what you share about your relationship to your mom.

When I was in your position and wanted my partners family to understand some of what I was going through i wish i would have known then what i know now.

If i were to go back in time to where you are at I would ask these family members directly if they have time to have coffee with you one on one so you can share a bit of what you are reading about regarding the borderline mother.

In my case this request would have fallen on deaf ears as I now know that no one wanted to sit with me and talk with me about my PD mother. But I do wish I had asked.

Bringing up family stuff can be tricky for us because BPD is a pretty serious mental disorder and in the flow of a family social gathering how does it fit into the overall flow of socializing to discuss that? It makes more sense to set aside a quieter time to talk with people a little bit one on one if that is something they want. If they don't want to hear about it my advice is to not push for it.

In my case people have not wanted to hear about my PD parents at all and I've had to adjust.  I wanted that understanding and support when I first went NC but I didn't get it and I managed as well as I could.

Trees

[Boat Babe]

Carrying on from Tree's contribution, it is ONLY people who have had dysfunctional parents or partners who grasp what we are talking about. And maybe a few enlightened souls who work in mental health, social services or the like. Everyone else can't get it, certainly not the full picture.

I gloss over with a phrase like "My mother is very damaged/difficult." and leave it there. What they make of it is their responsibility. I've also noticed that when I meet a fellow survivor, there's an almost immediate bond and conversation gets real, quickly. Very much like this forum in fact.  Sending hugs.

[harlowblakely]

If you are looking for articles I would suggest the ones written by Darlene Lancer on codependency and boundaries might be helpful as they are written straightforward and plain language with lists of ideas.

That said I think that your question might be more about how do you feel dismissed when your boyfriends mother or others brush off what you share about your relationship to your mom.

When I was in your position and wanted my partners family to understand some of what I was going through i wish i would have known then what i know now.

If i were to go back in time to where you are at I would ask these family members directly if they have time to have coffee with you one on one so you can share a bit of what you are reading about regarding the borderline mother.

In my case this request would have fallen on deaf ears as I now know that no one wanted to sit with me and talk with me about my PD mother. But I do wish I had asked.

Bringing up family stuff can be tricky for us because BPD is a pretty serious mental disorder and in the flow of a family social gathering how does it fit into the overall flow of socializing to discuss that? It makes more sense to set aside a quieter time to talk with people a little bit one on one if that is something they want. If they don't want to hear about it my advice is to not push for it.

In my case people have not wanted to hear about my PD parents at all and I've had to adjust.  I wanted that understanding and support when I first went NC but I didn't get it and I managed as well as I could.

Trees

I will definitely check out those articles you recommended if only just for myself. I feel like I am still learning understanding what I have been through and how my mother is.

I think I really needed to hear what you said, I know I can learn a lot from people who have experienced similar things to me. It's a hard topic to approach and  am still determining how much of it is them and how much of it is really me and my insecurities.

I think it's something worth opening the dialogue about but I definitely don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I know that my boyfriend understands my situation the best he can and that he is someone I can always talk to about my various issues whenever I need to.

Being around his family is very fulfilling for me in a lot of ways because their healthy dynamic is something I have never been able to experience before but can also be overwhelming. I think sometimes my feelings of dismissal are intertwined with my feelings of sadness and anger and all other emotions that come with having a BPD parent. I am definitely still working through my own emotions around everything and trying to detangle where all of my emotions come from.

I am so appreciative to have a place to talk this out with people who understand where I am coming from.
Thank you!

[harlowblakely]

Carrying on from Tree's contribution, it is ONLY people who have had dysfunctional parents or partners who grasp what we are talking about. And maybe a few enlightened souls who work in mental health, social services or the like. Everyone else can't get it, certainly not the full picture.

I gloss over with a phrase like "My mother is very damaged/difficult." and leave it there. What they make of it is their responsibility. I've also noticed that when I meet a fellow survivor, there's an almost immediate bond and conversation gets real, quickly. Very much like this forum in fact.  Sending hugs.

That's definitely true, I know that as much as my boyfriend tries to understand and listen to me, he never fully gets it. It wasn't until he saw interactions between me and my mom and I explained to him why some of the things she did were problematic that he understood more. With my mom it is very much the little things and whether she does it consciously or subconsciously she does things that hurt me without other people seeing it even if it's right in front of their faces.

I think that as it has taken me time to come to terms with understand how truly mentally ill my mother is, it wasn't until recently that I could acknowledge those sorts of things. It is so much easier to say my mom is mean or something dismissive like that than to acknowledge the complexity of a PD if that makes any sense. I still grapple between allowing myself to feel anger about the things she's done to me and having pity for her knowing that she is ill and can't be held entirely accountable. It's a grey area that I am still trying to understand.

I am very happy to be using this forum. I had found it several years ago when I first went NC with my mom and I don't think I was ready to fully understand what was going. Now I am hungry to better myself and understand more. It is honestly relieving to know that there are other people out there who understand what I have been through and the emotions I have around such complex topics.

Thank you!