Narcissistic rage attack by my mother

[Honey_B]

I am not sure what I am looking for with this post, I just need to put it out there there because it is too much to hold alone

About two weeks ago I was subjected to the most schocking narcissistic rage attack by my mother. I have now decided to go 100% NC, I can never see her again after the things she said.

The issue was petty, I wont bother to go into details, but the core of the matter was that I DISAGREED with her! And I chose to say it out loud and all hell broke loose. She accused me of everything from trying to steal her money, to always being the child that hated her (since I was a baby, apparently), I am greedy, selfish, stupid, immature, evil, etc.

And then the namecalling started. She called me all the filfthy names you can think of, she had no brake to stop herself at all.

It happened almost two weeks ago and I am still affected by it. I feel like I have been attacked. As if someone on the street randomly started hitting me, as if someone broke into my home and attacked me.

I still can't get my head around the fact that my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and was responsible for me as a child, holds such horrible thoughts and opinions of me. Why? Where does it come from?

The worst part is that she actually seemed to ENJOY  raging on me like that. She enjoyed humiliating me and hurting me, I could sense how the more filth she yelled at me the more energy she got. She was in a total state of 'high'. It was sadistic!

I honestly feel so violated... I am thinking of contacting a therapist because this is all too much. I do not understand how any parent can enjoy to humiliate and put so much hurt on their own child.

I do not have much support, most of the family are acting as flying monkeys for my mother and my sister is so enmeshed with her, that they are almost like twins. I feel really alone.

[Hepatica]

Honey_B, I am so sorry that happened to you. It definitely is an attack and the hard part about these types of things is if it was a stranger on the street, you'd walk away and never have to see the person again and everyone you told would be sympathetic to you. But in the case of family all the other dynamics enter the picture.

I can totally understand you're need to go instant NC and the desire to talk and thoughts about seeing a therapist. It wouldn't hurt to do that and make sure that the therapist has education in personality disorders and what his/her thoughts are on NC before continuing. You need someone clearly on your side to stand with you as you move to safety.

Unfortunately some of us have parents who are disordered and it's not our fault. Maybe the only good thing about this is, it wasn't subtle, so there is no confusion. She was psychologically terrorizing you and assaulting you. You're right. What parent would do this? Certainly a parent who does not care about their child's welfare because this could destroy a person. She's dangerous and you're right to go no contact.

I'm sorry you feel alone. You are not alone. Many of us have experienced similar here and will listen and support you. I would at this point block every form of communication and tighten it like a vault. You need to process this without anyone adding confusion or doubt about it into your mind.

It's awful what these people do, esp. to those they love. My mother has said things to me that appall me. Her rage is so destructive and terrible and wipes out any minute amt. of empathy that may exist within her. I forgive my mother but I do not want to be around her anymore. It is too risky.

[Mathilda]

You're definitely not alone. I was also the subject of narcissistic rage after I told my dad who interrupted me 'hey dad, you should let me finish'. Doesn't sound so terrible, does it.

It was completely innocent, but dad exploded, started yelling at me and when I tried to calm him down, mom started yelling at me too. It ended with both of them telling me to f*** off and never come back and locking the door behind me.

Just like you, I felt like I was assaulted, my own two parents behaved like bullies on a schoolyard. And just like your mother, they seemed to enjoy it. It was almost as if they had waited for years for this moment to come. It was totally insane.

They told my brother I was the one who was screaming and yelling at them and they kicked me out because of it. Brother choose their side. I could expect him to, he is a diagnosed BPD with narcissistic traits and only two weeks before this happened, he was the one verbally attacking me and calling me names (although he did apologize later to me).

I am NC because of what happened two years ago. They still try to get me back every once in a while, but they never took accountability or apologized for what happened. Not that it would make any difference, they have hurt me too much.

So yes, I understand how you feel! The way they treat us is awful and beyond comprehension.

[Psuedonym]

Hi Honey_B,

I think everybody with a PD parent felt their anxiety rise just reading that, because it's so familiar. And always over something petty! I remember uPD M flipping her shit over a disagreement of whether the average movie was closer to 90 minutes or two hours. 

You describe feeling attacked, which I totally get. But what I would encourage you to do is to reframe what you witnessed as a small child throwing a tantrum, because that's really what it was. Picture a small child in full meltdown mode, screaming that he hates his mom or dad while simultaneously claiming to be the victim because they NEVER LET THEM DO ANYTHING!! (like sticking a fork in the wall socket or eating cheetos for breakfast). You are right in your observation that your mother felt better as she screamed at you, because like small children, PDs can't process their own emotions so they vent them on whatever unlucky individual they've chosen as their dumping ground. And an hour later, she probably forgot all about it, because the emotion that prompted the tantrum was gone. If you called her out on it today she would probably stare at you blankly and claim it never happened.

I've found that if you can picture a PD person as a toddler disguised as an adult, it takes some of their power away. Yes, they scream and say awful things with a level of rage that is terrifying in the moment, but its really the behavior of a 3 year old who never grew up. Sad but true.

[Honey_B]

I can totally understand you're need to go instant NC and the desire to talk and thoughts about seeing a therapist. It wouldn't hurt to do that and make sure that the therapist has education in personality disorders and what his/her thoughts are on NC before continuing. You need someone clearly on your side to stand with you as you move to safety.

Thank you for your comment. Thats the only thing holding me back about seeing a therapist. I just dont have the energy to research how to find one that will understand what happend. In my experience, most therapists have this "but there are two sides to all stories"-attitude and I just wont spent time and money feeling I have to convince a therapist that my mother is as nasty as she is. I have a few friends I can talk to, and I do, but I can sense that even for them its a lot to take in. They believe me but at the same time they dont... if you know what I mean. They come from "normal" families and have a hard time understanding that a mother can behave like mine does

[Hilltop]

Honey_B you are not alone.  When you wrote you didn't understand how your parents can hold such horrible thoughts and opinions about you, where does that come from, I found myself nodding along, I have wondered that myself about my own parents.  I don't understand it.

My parents don't typically rage (when I was young my dad did rage but not now) however the name calling and insults are common.  I can understand that you feel exhausted and worn out and defeated by it all.  It takes a physical toll.  If you don't have the energy at the moment, that's ok.  Give yourself time to rest.  It is an attack on you, your physical reaction to that is real, so give yourself rest and time.

I understand about not having any other family to turn to.  It's really hard and does make me feel alone as well, although coming here helps with that a lot.  I also see estrangements in real life outside of my family, we are not alone in this.  My extended family were estranged from my parents many years ago.  My sister is estranged from me, her choice, I sometimes think she has escaped it as she lives a few hours away, however she has acted like a flying monkey in the past so I do understand that she isn't really in a healthier position.  She maintains the triangulation set up by my mother so its all really messed up.  There are a couple of cousins who I sometimes think I would like to maintain relationships with but to be honest the relationships are strained, many problems brought on by my aunt/mother.  Its hard to look around and see no family, not even extended family.  I sometimes look at around at all of it and I still don't get it, what is the point of all this hurt and dysfunction, to me it's pointless. 

Hugs, it really is awful.

[Thru the Rain]

I read an interesting "meme" recently: Accusations from a Narcissist are really Confessions.

Turn everything your M said around, and you may see a pattern of what she herself is guilty of

[TwentyTwenty]

When my mother attacked me in front of my wife, we were both astonished at how vile and nasty she had instantly become, it was a very heavy toll on my health and shook me to the core.. at the time, it was the most negatively impactful thing I had ever been thru.

Afterwards, I realized that it was the single greatest day of my life, to finally see the real person without the mask. It was the dawn of a new life of freedom  for me that I knew I'd never allow myself to be ensnared in her cage again.

So now after 3 1/2 yrs of no contact, I'm actually thankful to have had the truth of the matter laid out for me in such a life-changing way. It's hard sometimes to see the truth of a person, what they really are, but it's so much better then living in their captivity and being a slave to their lies.

[Honey_B]

I read an interesting "meme" recently: Accusations from a Narcissist are really Confessions.

Turn everything your M said around, and you may see a pattern of what she herself is guilty of

This is so true. Everything she yelled at me WAS a confession of things she had done to me. It is scary to see how her emotions run on such a primitive animalistic level where all human interaction is a fight where there can only be a winner and a looser. Eat or be eaten, those are the only options.

[Mathilda]

When my mother attacked me in front of my wife, we were both astonished at how vile and nasty she had instantly become, it was a very heavy toll on my health and shook me to the core.. at the time, it was the most negatively impactful thing I had ever been thru.

Afterwards, I realized that it was the single greatest day of my life, to finally see the real person without the mask. It was the dawn of a new life of freedom  for me that I knew I'd never allow myself to be ensnared in her cage again.

So now after 3 1/2 yrs of no contact, I'm actually thankful to have had the truth of the matter laid out for me in such a life-changing way. It's hard sometimes to see the truth of a person, what they really are, but it's so much better then living in their captivity and being a slave to their lies.

Especially with covert narcissists there is a lot of passive agressiveness. They fight a war against you, but it isn't being fought in the openness.

When they rage like this, you finally get a clear picture of who they are and how they truly see you.

And once you've seen it, it can't be unseen (although they do try to groom and gaslight you back into the relationship so they can be passive agressive again).

[Honey_B]

Especially with covert narcissists there is a lot of passive agressiveness. They fight a war against you, but it isn't being fought in the openness.

When they rage like this, you finally get a clear picture of who they are and how they truly see you.

And once you've seen it, it can't be unseen (although they do try to groom and gaslight you back into the relationship so they can be passive agressive again).

I had actually managed for almost 5 years to have a cordial, low contact relationship with my mother. Me and my son visited about 4 times a year, went to a café, had lunch, talked about neutral topics like the weather and my sons school. A couple of hours, max, then we drove home. It kinda worked but there was always this tension in her, if you by accident hit a slightly political topic of conversation or something she had a strong opinion about, I would work my a** off to divert attention to something else. Her explosive rage was always there, right under the surface but I did everything I could to manage the conversation so my son would not see one of her full blown attacks.

But now i am done. D.O.N.E.

It feels like all the times I have spent with her were just fake, me dancing around on tip toes to avoid disaster. She has such incredible hate and disdain for me and it does not make sense to be around her anymore.

[LemonLime]

I have finally isolated what I see as the most damaging characteristic of the uPD's rages:  Contempt.
At least in the case of my uPD.

I seem to have a bit of a morbid fascination with what it is that is going on when they rage.  Why is it so destructive.
I agree that what they accuse us of is often exactly what they think about themselves.
I often fantasize about asking the uPD to write a list of all the things that they see wrong with me or with the world.
And then I would have the perfect blueprint of what they think of themselves.   No mystery anymore about what is going on in their minds.

The root of the problem with my uPD is contempt, IMHO.   It is what is so unbelievably cutting and destructive.  Eye rolling, sarcasm.  All signs of contempt according to John Gottman, who can predict with high accuracy the chances that a marriage will end in divorce.  He says there are "Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse" and that Contempt is the worst of the four, by far.
I think this applies to all relationships, not just marriage.

[Wolf]

I would say find a trusted friend to talk to about it if you need to. But a key aspect of dealing with PD parents is to emotionally detach from their words and behavior. Don't allow their emotional outbursts to have any control over you whatsoever. Stop placing any value on the things your mom says or the way she acts. Would you care if a 2 year old threw a temper tantrum and raged at you? Probably not. You gotta learn to detach from your parents in the same way. And when you do, tell her that her tantrums mean less to you than the dirt under your shoe and if it is bad enough, stop speaking to her completely.

My mom has said pretty much every negative thing imaginable to me. And I don't care. I don't place any respect or value whatsoever on her opinions and statements. In fact I love my mom. She has an illness that she apparently cannot control, in the same way that chimpanzees can also not control their uncontrollable rages when they are jealous or upset. So don't let the rages of an emotionally undeveloped person have any effect on you. BTW, the power that BPD people get is from emotional manipulation. Once you TRULY don't give a fuck about your mom's displays of emotion, she has no power.  Easier said than done I know.

[M0009803]

When my mother attacked me in front of my wife, we were both astonished at how vile and nasty she had instantly become, it was a very heavy toll on my health and shook me to the core.. at the time, it was the most negatively impactful thing I had ever been thru.

Afterwards, I realized that it was the single greatest day of my life, to finally see the real person without the mask. It was the dawn of a new life of freedom  for me that I knew I'd never allow myself to be ensnared in her cage again.

So now after 3 1/2 yrs of no contact, I'm actually thankful to have had the truth of the matter laid out for me in such a life-changing way. It's hard sometimes to see the truth of a person, what they really are, but it's so much better then living in their captivity and being a slave to their lies.

Same thing happened to me.

You will forgive the hundreds upon hundreds of emotional paper cuts, but it takes a BBB-episode to crystalise the dysfunction.

At that point in time, you finally see them for who they are.

I don't think there is any going back after that point in time. 

[Mathilda]

It feels like all the times I have spent with her were just fake, me dancing around on tip toes to avoid disaster. She has such incredible hate and disdain for me and it does not make sense to be around her anymore.

I do not think she hates you, but she hates that you do not fullfil her needs.

My mother hates it that I have my own plans for life, which do not include being with her constantly, validating her and listen to her every complain about what's wrong in her life and all the people who do her wrongly.

She's not stupid, but she has very little education (just like my dad) and I must admitt as a teenager I wasn't always nice to her. The things she said, the complaining, the needyness, she could really get on my nerve and I showed that to her.
But I was also angry because she never cared about my needs.

Nevertheless I worked hard to change my attitude towards her, because I realised she had had a miserable childhood herself, living with my dad isn't easy and brother has lots of issues. She also has health problems. I really wanted to help and I hoped as adults we could build a relationship. I hoped she would be proud of me for going to college and finding a job, for having such an independent daughter.

But no matter how hard I tried, it didn't stop her from calling me names, and telling me I wasn't being nice to her.
Sometimes she put it as a joke, and it was hard to tell if she actually meant it ("no, ofcourse I didn't mean that, can't you take a joke?"). She befriended women my age, most of them housewives and pretended THEY were her daughters . It was weird.
But lots of it stayed covert. Some eyerolling, some sighing, making jokes about me to other people in my presence ...

When she raged, it all became clear. I am not what she ordered!