Divorce and high functioning uNPDH/uBPDH

[BluePooh]

This is my first official post. I have done a lot of reading, researching and posting on another PD board. Many on that board were very directed at strategies to improve the r/s even after I had tried the strategies for over a year.

The truth is I am 26 years married to a man who has always had traits of a PD but they really came to a head about 8ish years ago. Not that they didn't show some intensity prior, but they had been temporary outbursts of little duration and frequency. I was always very confused but they passed.

Ever so subtly they intensified. In some ways very passive control. I can't explain it well, but I am certain most of you know what I'm talking about. Give an inch on something that seems not such a big deal and before you know it, you're a mile down the road and not sure how you got there.

As I said, about 8ish years ago, things just got worse. I didn't understand what happened or why, but after putting together pieces I am pretty certain I know the triggers.  In some ways it doesn't matter, does it?

I struggled because the vile he spewed at me was a distraction of the real cause, but yet it provided the outlet he needed for his feelings he couldn't manage. The kicker is I tried to address what he was saying, which happens to be something I cannot change. So where does that leave me?

Over the last year or so, he's left no less than 4-5 times, sometimes for 4 days. Just goes to a hotel.

I was ready to leave 2.5 years ago.  4 kids, stay at home mom with part time work from home job with zero benefits of my own and they only place I could go was to my dad's half way across the country. I kept missing him, he wasn't replying to email (too old and didn't text) and didn't answer his phone. Within 2 weeks of my decision and quietly planning, my sister informed that dad had dementia and was being put into a home (he'd had an accident that pushed him into severe short term memory loss — when I did finally get him on the phone, he forgot who I was within a few minutes and this continued every time I spoke with him).

He passed away a year ago.  Within a day or two my H left again for 4 days (he never said he was sorry about my dad, he hated him).  H called me the evening of the 4th day (our 25th anniversary) and wanted to get a hotel room. I declined.

My H's lash at me generally has to do with the fact that I slept with my previous boyfriend. I am a disgusting whore basically. I dated the guy for 3 years (was youngish, but into college).  Without too much background (happy to give if anyone wants it) we all went to the same college, which is mid-size school, so my H sort of knew my old boyfriend. Many of H's friends knew him so H is just embarrassed anyone knows I slept with the old boyfriend. I cannot change that. He will never get over it and it is the content of what he spews at me.

He can literally connect everything to it. Got a flat tire? It's cuz I'm a slut. If he hears the word "virgin" he is triggered and spews at me. Yet he will watch every movie about virginity (who knew there were so many?).   He watches them often and I've noticed many times before he tells me we're done. I cannot change this.

When he's not dysregulated, he is fun and charming.  He was fun and charming 80-90% of the time for the first 15-20 years.

There's a ton more background and a lot of reflection but I just tried to give enough background.

At beginning of pandemic he had a complete meltdown. He texts me long rage texts full of nasty disgusting things. He didn't shower or change his clothes for weeks. All because one day I wouldn't give him the remote to change the channel on a show I was watching for an hour with 10 minutes left. He just walked in the room and demanded the remote. He always has control of the remote. He threw some dishes, broke them.  We didn't speak for 2 weeks. When he came around, he flipped out again and threw the remote at the tv and shattered the screen. He wasn't working so no income, no tv. Again we didn't speak. He says he was mad about a political ad and the remote slipped. It's a lie.  He was yelling at me and it was intentional.

I have established boundaries that were sorely lacking before I knew what I was dealing with. I unknowingly was doing very basic gray rocking (self preservation) and now I know what it is — ALTHOUGH on here, it seems it can be dangerous while still living together. Need to read up some more here....

Hard to go anywhere now. Every house sells within hours, nothing to rent but 1-2 BR apartments. I can't afford our house (that's a way H soothes is spending too much money on everything).

He told me he likes to make me feel financially unstable (he is a lawyer and his income fluctuates so he will not tell me when he will have money and when he won't).  He knows stability is important to me, so he takes it away. I recognize his whole life feels unstable to him so he is projecting those feelings on me.

I have a new FT job. Make decent money but not enough to fully support myself and my kids. He makes about 5-6x what I do.  I paid off my credit cards and am trying to get my things in order.

I have no where to go at the moment.

Any suggestions?  Thoughts, comments? Questions?

I'm an open book and my biggest concern is being able to provide for my kids and having a safe place to live.

[D.]

I was married 22 yrs to a NPD man.  There is so much to say.  But in general I just want you to know that I hear you.  I understand.  25 years is a long time.  And you deserve to feel safe and happy.  So do your children.

The recommendation I give you comes as hindsight from my experience divorcing and the impact on myself and my offspring:  As far as the financial part I would really encourage you to find a divorce lawyer (without NPDH knowing).  Absolutely do not let him know.  Given the house, his contribution to the household, and the kids you really could be entitled to a fair amount of compensation.  Now that you're working maybe not so much?  Depends on the state.  I wish I had divorced first, looked for full time work next.  It would have help myself and my son financially.  On the other a lot of people really enjoy full time work.  I prefer part time. 

Also, document his behavior.  Him leaving for days at a time does not bode well for custody.  However, most NPDs will try to get full custody as soon as they get wind of things.  Whether you go forward w/divorce now or not, it will be helpful to know your rights. 

Another resource to look into is domestic violence, breaking things is serious not to mention all the emotional/verbal abuse which in my mind is worse, but different in the legal system.

Anyway thank you for the courage to reach out here and having the opportunity to offer some ideas.  I hope that they help.  I believe that you will find a very supportive and knowledgeable community here.  I have.

[notrightinthehead]

I want to add my welcome to this site. Have you discovered the Toolbox yet? You might find some useful strategies there.

You might also start documenting all the abuse, verbal, emotional, financial, physical - ideally in a place where your h cannot find it.  There is an excellent book that could help you understand your h's behaviour better "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft and one that might help you understand your own behaviour better "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fijelstad. These two books have been very helpful on my own journey out of an abusive marriage.

Do you have emotional and social support? A self help group of abused women, counselling, a trustworthy friend, a CoDA group? For me the first step Out of the FOG was to break my silence about the abuse that was happening in my marriage.

See you around on the boards.

[BluePooh]

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate the shared know.edge and experiences.

My H texted out of nowhere that it was over almost a week ago. He hasn't spoken to me, he's stayed away from me at home and most of the kids. He eats out and throws the garbage out in the driveway.

Now that it's a little snowy, he's taking my car (owned jointly, but I drive it 90% of the time, generally he only does when we're all together.).  I've never driven his car so it leaves me stuck. It's just a narcissistic dig.

Any advice how to tell if an attorney can handle a high conflict divorce?  What to look for...

I spoke to one I liked very much and she said she deals with HCP, but I can't help to believe most people have not seen this level of disorder.

She had some strategies I like and I think are helpful, but I worry she might not get it.  It's not her, I just think most people wouldn't get it.  She's also less expensive, which is great, just not sure if it's indicative of skill.

Any suggestions are welcome.  Thank you!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, BluePooh.  So sorry to hear what you're going through.  I'm glad you found us!

I didn't use an HCD lawyer, so I'm not the right person to respond to that.  I just want to second the books NotRight suggested.  I've done a lot of reading on  abuse and PD's over the years.  It wasn't until this year, on this board, that I heard about Why Does He Do That?  It was by far the best book I've ever read on abuse.  There's a free online version that I decided to peek at, and ended up inhaling the whole thing.  If you'd like to get an idea of what it's like:   https://archive.org/stream/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that_djvu.txt

I hope you get the information you need soon.  It sounds like a scary situation.