Closing in on 4 years No Contact with my FOO

[newlife33]

On Dec 24th I will celebrate 4 years No Contact with my FOO, specifically my entire Fathers side of my biological side.  It's always a tough time of year, but this year feels even more difficult. 

With COVID, I have a lot of time to think and remember the past.  This year is particuliar the reality of my past is hitting me.  I dissasociated so much as a child that I never felt like I was actually living that life.  From age 8 on I always knew I was going to leave, and shut myself down for the next twenty years or so.

It really is crazy to think of me as a person sitting in with those people when I was a child.  They were so full of toxicity and b.s. that it feels like a bad dream.  I think I am finally able to fully express myself and say outloud all the things I wish I would have said back then.

I hope also that I can finally be rid of my bio fathers influence.  He groomed me to be the GC and then when I left it was really bad.  Lots of yelling, gas lighting attempts, bribery, manipulation and more.  It was fitting that the last thing he ever said to me was "You are leaving behind a 6 figure inheritance." If that doesn't sum up a narc I don't know what does!

Even though I have broken my bond with him 4 years ago, I still feel a fearful connection.  He has showed up at two different apartments, sent messages to my job, even showed up once at my job.  I persevered and there's been no contact for a year, and I really hope that I will finally feel free.

I think this is the case because I finally have been able to choose a new middle and last name.  I won't share them but I will say that the names are of famous celebrities that were more of a father to me then my real father was.  It's hard to admit that tv and movies raised me more then an actual family, but I did get a lot of good lessons from those things and now hopefully I can attract and build a life of my own with those qualities in mind.

I don't know how I am going to feel in these next few weeks.  I am going to practice good self care, workout, lean on my friends and recovery and practice gratitude.  Even though things feel a bit crappy right now, I know that things are better each year and this is only a small speed bump.  Thanks for listening.

[Stardust1982]

Hi newlife33!

And congrats on closing in on your 4th year of NC. That's a big deal, so pat yourself on the back for this accomplishment.
What you said about you feeling like you were raised more by movies than by your FOO was so relevant to me-I too was raised by tv shows parents and grandparents. I was actually watching Everwood (I recommend it for seeing how healthy families work and for how they deal with traumas and problematic events) and burst into tears. I never ever had loving people around me apart from a friend or two who now live abroad and the thought of being such a stranger to healthy and loving behavior from others makes me really sad.

But accepting that we never had loving people in our FOO and going through the difficult feelings that emerge from that is really important. It's one of the stages of healing. These PD parents will never change and will continue to do what they've always done: project their inner traumas and hate on those closest to them.

I do get the fact that you decided to change your name-this crossed my mind too. And it's totally understandable.

I don't have any other advice but just wanted to let you know that I get it and it's not easy. NC is never ever easy (I went through it too) but it's necessary because there is no other healthy and loving option, at least not for me.

take care!

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi newlife33! Nice to meet you here. (I'm fairly new, NC with all fam right now 4 months, I'm 32.)

I just read through some of your past posts and wow.... you've been through quite the NC journey. I just want to say thank you for sharing all the details you've been through along the way. All the ups and downs. I hugely relate to and appreciate them, there are some very similar realizations and feelings we have both had. It makes me feel so much better that you have them, too (not better that you have to go through this, though! I would never wish this on anyone). I just feel way less alone and like NC is possible. 🙂

The "fearful connection" you describe I especially relate to. I'm still kind of before that time when FOO may whip up a frenzy or fever pitch and really start showing who they are the longer I'm out of touch (not like they haven't in a terrifying way already). I'm still trying to just basically get them out of my head, they invade my mind all the time "guilt storms".

I also hope your dad keeps staying out of the picture and leaves you alone. His behavior sounds so desperate, and like it can send you into a tailspin. My fam does that to me too and it's only the beginning 

Holidays are tricky... loneliness is real. You can always reach out here if that sets in! I will look out for your posts.

Take care with your friends and hobbies in the meantime! You're doing great. 

[JustKathy]

Hi newlife33,

Congratulations on your four years of NC. I went NC with my Nmother about 12 years ago (she's since passed away) and am now five years NC with my enFather.

The threat of disinheritance, yep, they do that. Comically and predictably so. My Nmother really thought the deepest wound she could inflict was disinheritance. The last thing I ever said to my enFather was, "I don't want your money, I want your LOVE." He went silent. He couldn't respond to that. Couldn't tell me he loved me. You nailed it when you said, "If that doesn't sum up a narc I don't know what does."

I do hope that your father has given up on trying to make contact (it sounds like he has). After I went NC with my father he also stalked me and hounded me by sending cards and unwanted gifts. At one point he actually found my new address online, came to the house, and left a package inside my open garage. That one really freaked me out. BUT, last year was the first year that I didn't get a birthday card or Christmas card. I just had another birthday, and again, no card. He's either given up or is being stopped by my GC sister who is pretty much holding him hostage while she waits for her inheritance. Whatever the reason, it DID stop. If you ignore them long enough, I do think they eventually give up. They stalk us to elicit a response. When all they get is silence it's no longer worth their time.

It sounds like you're really on track to healing and having a happy life. Self-care and maintaining good friendships has also made a huge difference for me. The holidays are always a difficult time. Take care of yourself and spend time with people who really love you.