How to approach the rest of the family?

[blacksheeep]

My PD mom moved across the country as a young adult to get away from her PD parent (now deceased).  Her siblings still live within a few hours drive of each other.  When I was a child, we visited them about once a year, and she still keeps regular phone contact with them.  She has always triangulated my relationship with extended family, and distance has made it difficult for me to establish my own relationship with anyone.

Since going NC with my mom, she's launched a smear campaign to anyone who will listen.  I assume that I've lost all credibility with aunts and uncles.  I'm very curious what their perspective would be.  Am I the only one who sees anything?  Does geographic distance really allow her to rewrite the story and everyone believes her?  I know she has some weird rivalries with some of her siblings, and I can't imagine they've either never seen or forgotten her true colors.  To be honest, I'm surprised that none of them have gone no contact with her as well.  I don't think any of them have PD, but I've always lived so far away from them that I guess I really don't know.

One of my aunts sent me a quick hello message a few months ago.  She mentioned that my mom would "get defensive" if she knew.  I responded that I would love to catch up, but then she never messaged me again.  How does my mom hold so much power over her siblings that they won't talk to me because they're afraid of her wrath from across the country?  In years of NC with my mom, this is the only time a relative has reached out to me -- which tells me that no one wants to get in the middle.  I guess it's easier to make me expendable that upset my mom, but it just surprises me when they live so far away. 

Any tips on how to gently approach other family members to feel them out?  My intention is not to polarize the family further, but I would so love to have an ally somewhere.

[Honey_B]

I am in the exact same position as you, so I will follow this thread hoping for some advice 

[Thru the Rain]

I would start with the Aunt who messaged you originally. This has been a strange year all around, and its possible that your message slipped down in her email/text screen, or she left it too long to respond and felt bad.

And based on her initial message to you - that your M would "get defensive" - tells me this aunt may know all about your M's tendencies.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi

I'll share my 2 cents. In my own FOO the enmeshment is deep and no one wants to break away to be - as you put it well- an ally.

I think in my view it just really depends on if they want to get to be in touch.  If they don't, it could be for so many different reasons.  that would ultimately have to do with them and where their head is at.

If it were me and there was an aunt I wanted to be closer to I would email again or text a few times and go from there. I would have to really prepare myself for disappointment though. Like you said it is very possible they just don't want to get in the middle.

Wishing you a good outcome.

Trees

[Liketheducks]

I have a similar experience.   My Mom has maligned me throughout the family.   I used to get messages from distant cousins on Facebook telling me that they were going to unfriend me because they couldn't stand me looking happy "KNOWING" what I had done to my mother.   

I think you have to just do your thing.   You can't control what people think of your or how they react.   I would start with your Aunt.   I'd keep boundaries firm.   I'd avoid the subject of your mom.   Be sure that this Aunt or other relatives aren't flying monkeys desperate to facilitate a reunion with Mom.   I had to get really good at saying......That's really not your responsibility.   If mom wants to talk with me she will, I'm open to discussion.  I'm open to moving forward, but not arguing over the past.      That weeds out the monkeys in our family.     For a long time, everyone wanted to "facilitate".     Funny, I found that in my family the enmeshed members desperately wanted to be involved in fixing this.   

Families, even non-toxic ones, can be complicated.   Hang in there.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think you are accurate that nobody wants to get in the middle and also that enmeshment can run deep in dysfunctional families. Time passes after we go NC, then people just get used to the new normal. At least that is my best guess.   
   
As for how to approach the rest of the family, I suggest if and when you do have contact with your Aunts or Uncles do not speak to specifics about the dynamics between you and your mother. Do not explain or justify your reasons for being NC.  You do not have to compare notes about your experiences. Keep it high level with something such as "it's complicated", "I am not going into the reasons." Tell them it is nice to speak to them and redirect the conversation to what is happening now in their lives. Take the conversation for what it is in the moment. Do not reveal too much detail about yourself. See how it goes, and go grey rock if you sense a flying monkey or fence-mender. If interested, Dr. Ramani has some decent videos on such interactions that I personally have found helpful.   
     
Your aunt may reach back out to you again since she was the one who initiated contact. Of if you feel like it, you could send her a message again and see if she appears to still be receptive. If not, that is alright and you did nothing wrong. Keep doing what you need to maintain your emotional safety and well being. Most of all, trust your instincts. 

[Fortuna]

First approach as you might normally, a Christmas card ,a text, a phone call. The only difference have hard boundaries going in what you will and will not talk about. Anything about the NC situation, nope not talking about it, please change the subject.Anything you don't want to get back to your JN, nope, info diet them until you know they aren't going to gossip to your mom about it. Tread carefully, retreat at the first hint of drama.

I got a gentle Flying Monkey shortly after going NC with my mom from my cousin. I think she was just trying to feel out if I was okay. (Have NO idea what mom told her or if she told her much of anything.) She only mentioned she'd seen my mom in passing and I stayed neutral. I didn't give her any info my mom didn't already know. But frankly, don't expect much. These family dynamics can run deep. With my family it's don't bother to call or text or acknowledge a problem, niceties only and rarely. My extended family will be civil and friendly if I reach out, but outside of that one call no one has reached out, and often calls/text are not returned. That's the default for my family, so not really much different than usual. Your mileage may vary.