I get offended by MIL so easily

[scattered_78]

Unfortunately I get really offended by MIL really easily these days. I'm hypersensitive to her implied criticisms and jibes.  Her latest, she accused me of breaking lockdown rules.  (In a sickly sweet way).  I play music in a group, and in normal times we rehearse every 2 weeks.  Obviously we are not just now.  We had an online zoom meeting one night last week.  MIL had messaged me, asking if the birthday parcel she had sent for DS had arrived.  I replied late in the evening to say yes, and apologised for texting so late, explaining that I had been on a zoom meeting with the band (she knows what zoom is, she uses it for her charity group).
We spoke on DS birthday, and she said in such a sickly way 'oh, it's so good that you were able to have a practice.  Were you all together in one place?!'  I took the bait, and said of course not, we're in lockdown and the meeting was only on zoom.  She just gave this little chuckle, almost like she was going along with my pretence.   She's decided I'm breaking the rules, but if I react and defend myself I'll look like the crazy one and she'll deny everything.   

[Thru the Rain]

My own uPDM does this sort of thing. Years ago, my DH had a lingering cough following a cold. My M says something like "when is he going to quit smoking?". I responded that he doesn't smoke, but I get that same smirk you described as if to say she knows I'm lying about it. Luckily I mostly only talk to my M on the phone, so I don't have to see her "supply face".

What I've found works really well for me when my M gets into this sort of mode is the looooong silence on the phone. I discovered by accident when she left me speechless with similar, intentional misunderstanding of my side of the conversation.

It makes her VERY uncomfortable, and I don't have to come up with any sort of response.

I also figured out that she WANTS me to scramble and defend myself. And when I don't - in fact I respond with literally shocked silence - she seems to back down. And over time, she's pulled this stunt less and less often.

Keep in mind, you know the truth. And as you pointed out, she knows the truth too. If she stops getting the response she wants from you, maybe she'll stop that particular game.

[Starboard Song]

You've got a broken Injustice Meter. It happens to all of us. We get so tired of abuse and manipulation, so tired of guilt and triangulation, that we need vindication, both for ourselves and for others we see mistreated.

The problem with this -- to me -- is that it treats the ugly behaviors we are discussing as more important than they necessarily are. For instance, when a young toddler throws a tantrum, we don't get angry or defensive, we don't doubt ourselves or feel mistreated. We often laugh out loud, frankly, at how useless their little fits are.

But our PDs fill us with rage. I'm not making fun, not at all. I feel it, too. But I suspect we should all work to feel about these little passive slights the same way we feel about that toddler: dismissive, bemused, insoucient.

One thing that helped us was this: we defined the top few things they'd do, and give them names. Things like Needless Negativity, Projection as Defense, Compare & Contrast, and so on......... Then, each time one happened, we'd say to each other, "well, there they go: that was a classic #3." Eventually, you can actually do that in your head on the fly, which packages up their behavior like it is just an impersonal natural force, and nothing to care about.

YMMW.

So much good strength to you!

[WinterStar]

You've got a broken Injustice Meter. It happens to all of us. We get so tired of abuse and manipulation, so tired of guilt and triangulation, that we need vindication, both for ourselves and for others we see mistreated.

The problem with this -- to me -- is that it treats the ugly behaviors we are discussing as more important than they necessarily are.

I think you're absolutely right!

One thing that helped us was this: we defined the top few things they'd do, and give them names. Things like Needless Negativity, Projection as Defense, Compare & Contrast, and so on......... Then, each time one happened, we'd say to each other, "well, there they go: that was a classic #3." Eventually, you can actually do that in your head on the fly, which packages up their behavior like it is just an impersonal natural force, and nothing to care about.

Great idea. I am working on my list now! I think I could even make it a game. Like, give a point for each, keep a tally and then, "Wow, that visit scored a 10."

[Starboard Song]

"Wow, that visit scored a 10."

That's it. Like PD bingo. Who's got Brought Up Incident Greater Than Ten Years Old and Then Said 'Oh I've Forgotten About That'?

[BettyGray]

I love this thread. Don’t get me wrong, scattered_78, it sucks that you have to deal with this nonsense. Because it can be super infuriating. But Starboard nails it.

It bothers me when people (who don’t deal with PDs, not those here)  say, “oh, don’t let it get to you,” as if we are overreacting and taking it too personally. But there is some validity to what they say, it’s just nobody ever provides a road map to HOW we get to that point.

I have found (through lots of therapy and self-reflection) that the things my MIL say that trigger me are usually things I already had issues with from growing up in a PD family. Lack of validation, dismissiveness, minimizing, out of touch with reality, parents being the victim in every situation, triangulation, passive aggressive behaviors and comments, love bombing, ridiculous accusations, the list goes on.

The more I worked on my own issues and their root causes, the less MIL bothered me. But sometimes she still makes me want to pull out my hair. 

Starboard is wise and exactly right, though. The behavior is predictable enough to give each one a name.

My MIL always assumes the absolute worst about ANY situation. To the point where it is an extended family joke. It can be as minor as someone getting a hangnail and she acts like the doomsday clock is closing in on its last 3 seconds.

We call this “The Sky is Falling”

MIL can never let a success slide by without diminishing it. She will ask about our small business ( I should know better than to take the bait), but we are never successful enough for her. She repeatedly starts out with “I just wish you could get more (business, money, recognition, etc.).” EVERY SINGLE TIME.  When I call her on it, she follows it up with praise for my talent, yada yada yada...”but I just wish people would appreciate your work more. You’re so talented!” Over Thanksgiving, it popped up again. I told her I’ve  gotten heaps of recognition from my clients for almost a decade and a half, have thousands of social media followers, return business. Like it matters.

The worst is she will even do this in front of other people. It embarrasses me and makes me feel like a failure. Even though I am in my14th year of business, have national and overseas clients, do what I love for a living, have been published - it doesn’t matter. I don’t make a ton of money. Even if we made 3x the amount, it STILL wouldn’t be enough.

So this behavior is the anti-silver lining - we call it the the “seeing the black lining” or “Black Cloud Thinking”
Oh, the Needless Negativity! It’s constant. Me: I got published in a magazine! Her: How come it didn’t lead to more work?

“Projection as Defense” - excellent description. This is a pretty easy one to spot.

Another one:
“Worry Heroin”

or “Worry as a selfish way to feign ‘concern’ while stressing everyone out with her incessant worrying and panic”

The woman is a top-of-the-line worry machine. She frets over everyone else’s lives, but try to get her to examine herself - fat chance. She worries about things that would, in no rational way, ever come to pass. She invents new things to worry & freak out about. An issue could completely resolve itself and two seconds later she has chosen the next thing on which to focus all of her out-of-control anxiety. And she never runs out of energy. Somehow she gets juiced from all of the fear.

Thru the Rain is correct - long silences are actually a good idea to enact after any perceived slight or underhanded remark. It gives you time to regain control of the conversation and formulate a response.

My MIL is a constant talker. Silence really  isn’t something she does. Or patience. So a long silence with no response is very uncomfortable for her.

“Yes, and?”  is also a good response. This challenges them to explain themselves or elaborate on what they said. It breaks the reaction they expect from us - to defend ourselves - and puts the spotlight back on them. It is Priceless catching them off guard. And so EASY!!

Passive aggressive comments can also be met with a simple “Well, THAT was  passive aggressive.” How quickly they will trip over themselves to imply otherwise. Then you’ve thrown them off balance.  “If you have something to say about me, then say it to my face.” also puts the fear of G-d in them. After all, DH has made it clear that if she upsets me,  she’s toast.

Another thing I have noticed is that the annoyances or comments usually happen if when I am alone with her. I try to avoid it. And when I can’t avoid it, you better believe I expect them and am ready with a reply that ends the conversation.

“...That (thing from 10 years ago) never happened.” Yup. Although as she loses her memory it feels a bit cruel to laugh at her denial and convince her it did.

Starboard is right- they are toddlers to a degree. Tantrums are tantrums and they’re not a good look on any adult. When they act like children they get treated like children. Time for a Time Out!

[Leonor]

Hello!

Passive aggressive ils here too! They are masters of induced conversation and over time I've come to identify their favorite hooks, little comments or conversation starters that are like PA flares shooting up into the sky:

"We received a phone bill with a small charge I don't understand in the mail last week." for  This means "I am going to trash our savings unless you take over my finances."

"We decided to rewrite our will to give more to you because we've given your siblings so much over the years." This means "I am going to trash our savings unless you take over my finances."

"I have an appointment with the doctor next month to check out my knee pain." This means "I am going to die of a heart attack unless you become my live in caretaker."

"But you are better than the other immigrants in your country." This means "I am going to die of a heart attack unless you become my live in caretaker."

"Mom is doing ok." This means "Your mother is abusing me and it's your fault so come fix it for me."

"Your sibling is doing ok." This means your sibling is abusing me and I want you to come fix it for me."

"You know I live you so much, Leonor, don't you?" This means "I hate you and want you to fall off the face of the Earth."

I am all about the following response:

*crickets*

With an occasional "hmm", like what you say to little kids when they're telling you the fascinating story if the worm they saw in the sidewalk in the way home from school in minute detail. Pleasant, but not really paying attention.

If what they are doing is induced conversation, then what they want is conversation. Don't give them that supply!