Struggling and need advice

[JustKeepTrying]

I left my xOCPDh a year and a half ago.  The divorce became final 1/2/20.  Then the problems started with the kids.  I have a 28 udOCPDdd, 26 dd and a 18ds.  I have severe health issues (body keeps score kind of thing/stage IV cancer and fibro).  32 year marriage.

My youngest went to live with ex at the beginning of the summer to my horror but I couldn't do anything so it happened.  And when school started again, I told my son he could not live here if he attended school in person.  I am severely immune compromised.  My son's proposal was he would stay with my ex and when my ex was out of town, he could study in my downstairs and sleep at my ex's house and shower there.  My ex said no and kicked him out.  Then two months later my ex kicked him off the health insurance. So my son is staying with family friends while he finishes his last year of high school.

My oldest is the problem right now.  I believe she has traits of OCPD.  She is a very black and white thinker.  Very little gray in her world.  Her father has manipulated her and played the martyr.  She told me he literally sobbed saying how much he loved me and how hard it was when i was going through the worst of the cancer treatemtns.  She believes that my son should have movedin with me and selected the home school option.  She also believes that I am the one acting irrationally asking for the divorce and does not believe there was any abuse or affair.  We had words today.  I told her that I was sad she felt that way; asked her to be careful with my ex and told I wouldn't be able to talk to her for awhile.  She thinks I took all of his money and want to kick him out of the house.  In reality he has been living there a year past the court mandated time to sell.  But with covid, I have been flexible in order to provide my son with stability.  And then he kicked him out. 

I am fragile.  He has sucked out my life and it has taken deep reserves for me to build it up again.  And I feel like a shaky toy tower ready to tumble.  I am trying but every where I look all I see are people doubting me and saying they can't believe my ex would do those things.

My ex is a master manipulator.  I was with him for all that time and I know this.  I am happier without him but this is so hard and I am now loosing my daughter.  My middle daughter is already distant enough and my ex has pulled those same strings.  Yet I can't face another conversation with her and those passive aggressive statements; eye rolls and sighs; and little comments that make me feel small.  I am setting painful boundaries, I think.

Three therapists told me it was abuse.  I am not imagining all of this.  But it doesn't lesson the pain.

I am asking all of you, am I missing something?  Is there something I can do?  Is this a high road and it will take time thing?  Is there a technique or something - a resource book - anything that will help me bear and manage this?

I feel very lost tonight.

[Bunnyme]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this.  It can feel so isolating when you are dealing with a PD who is adept at fooling people.  I'm glad that you are working with a therapist.  I think when you said that you are setting painful boundaries, you hit the nail on the head.  Be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave a bad situation.  IME, if you are asking if something is abuse, you really already know that it is deep down. 
You have so much that you are dealing with right now.  The best that you can, focus your energy on your own mental and physical health.  Be there for your kids when they are inevitably let down, but since they are grown, they will need to come to their own conclusions.  You have enough on your plate to be taking on other people's issues.  I know, easier said than done.  Know that we understand and are here to support you.  This forum has been a lifeline for me in some of my hardest moments.   

[tommom]

Justkeeptrying, this story has a familiar quality. I have a dear sister, married for over 25 years to a "master manipulator" as you say. In the beginning, she was devastated, also with three children broken by this, also two older daughters and a youngest son. But just when she felt like she was at the end of her tether, a friend SAW what he really was and was all too willing to speak the truth -to anyone who would listen. He eventually had to move away, it was so "bad" for him. (I know....awwww.)

Take heart. I do believe PDs eventually show themselves for who and what they are to those who would care to notice.

Children are, well, children. As sad as it is, they are always broken and confused as well in these situationa. My sister's oldest doesn't visit her much anymore (but has her own life and kids and their own business), but the younger daughter is deeply dedicated to helping her mother take care of things. Much love between them and her family. The son is married, with two children (they all have kids now) but he knows the facts about his dad. He is very supportive of his mom. They went through trials like yours have, but came out, probably more unscathed than many would have thought possible.

I am sure there are tools for you - I have been helped by so many books myself. (I love "Body Keeps the Score" "Boundaries" "How to Stop Caretaking" "The Sociopath Next Door" "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". There are so many good ones.  Your therapist would be a good resource perhaps  and maybe the childwelfare.gov list of organizations for survivors? (It has a long list, I know). I do wish you luck.

Bunnyme is right. Be proud of yourself for what you have done, and for what you have come through. You are stronger than you think.

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you both for the message, support and kindness.  It's been a week now and very little contact.  She did send me flowers congratulating me on a significant accomplishment - all the kids signed the card.  That was thoughtful of her and I thanked her.  I knew she had ordered them - the other two don't have the finances to do so.

I have a few of the books recommended and I will look into the others.  There is a therapy appointment coming up soon so that will help.  There are times I feel the peace I gained from leaving is lost to the agnst and trauma with my kids from that split.  I don't regret leaving - I am not sure I would have survived if I didn't - I am only sad about the rift.  Discourged.

I am not sure I would classify this as depression just a profound sadness at the loss. The loss of the dream of a nuclear family; husband and future.  Don't worry - I'm not going back to him but especially now with the holidays, I struggle with the new reality of my life.  I have to remind myself other bad so that I don't over romanticize the good. 

Again, thank you and thank you for letting me ramble tonight.