Seeing estranged sibling

[Hilltop]

I have been estranged from my GC sister for 15-20 years, not my choice.  She lives a few hours away and its hard to know if our relationship would have gotten back on track as we got older if she lived nearer but with family dynamics probably not as I am the SG.  I don't know what happened but she made it clear by her actions she didn't want to make an effort with me.  I have respected that and left her alone.

After an illness in the family I realized that I might be seeing her at a family funeral (uncle that I'm not close to but would like to go for cousins) and it got me thinking about how I would handle that.  I want to be comfortable in my skin, confident and just relaxed within myself. I don't care about making an effort to speak to her however if she made the effort to speak to me I want to be comfortable within myself.  I know my PD parents will fawn over her and her four children. I don't know her children at all.  Dh and I couldn't have children so within the family we have always been pushed aside as my parents rushed to give attention to my sister.  The last funeral we all went to together, they all went out to a family dinner afterwards and DH and I were forgotten about, we weren't invited.  I just know I will be nervous and sink into the background, into a corner and be awkward if she spoke to me.

Has anyone had to see a sibling after many years of estrangement and how did you handle it?  How did you feel?  Was there anything that made it better for you?

[guitarman]

I am in a similar situation. I haven't had any contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for over a year. Seeing her would trigger all sorts of issues for me.

Maybe you could begin by first deciding what to say to your sister beforehand. That is if you wish to say anything at all.

Whatever happens please remain calm. She may try and provoke you to anger by pushing all your buttons. So be aware of that. That way she would become the victim. It is the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim by you shouting at them.

Your sister may start to love bomb you and be extra nice to you. You may think that she has changed but beware. Remember why you had to go no contact.

Have a plan in place. Use Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques to interact with her if you must. Put her on an information diet about any personal news you want to disclose about yourself. You don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain anything to her.

You could use "I" statements rather than "You" statements. You could talk about your feelings more. It's about calmly feeling more assertive and empowered.

Perhaps go over and rehearse with a friend what you are going to say. That may help you. Have some set phrases in place if you need to use them.

It's good to know that you are going. It means that you are not so afraid and have changed. You are more empowered. Stay calm. Observe, don't absorb.

[LemonLime]

Good advice from Guitarman.   I would also recommend the book "The Gaslight Effect".  It gives you verbatim phrases and sentences to use in these situations if the conversation gets uncomfortable.

[Hilltop]

Thanks for the advice, I just realized I made it sound like my uncle was already deceased, he was in ICU and it appears he will pull through, thank goodness.  I think the news just shook me up a bit not only for my cousins but selfishly I realized how long it has been since I've been in the same room with my sister and I freaked out.

I still see my PD parents however VLC and they have been ramping up their behaviour and I guess I just start wondering how I would cope with them all together, I don't think I am ready for that.  Thank you for the book recommendation, I am going to get it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm glad your uncle is on the mend. I think it's normal and even something of a good thing to have these mental "rehearsals" before the event is imminent. If it's not this uncle now, there will be a funeral at some point. You can take your time to think things through rationally, and if and when you are responding in a triggered state, you have a plan in place. My take is if you are going for your cousins and you have a good relationship, stick with them and Teflon suit your sibling and parents, like others have said.

15-20 years is an awfully long time. I wonder if and when this funeral happens, it would be preceded by hoovering by parents or sibling or both in order to save face in front of the rest of the family. Guess you'll see. But you yourself have nothing to be awkward about, as counter-intuitive as that sounds. You also have the option of leaving if it gets to be too much. Do any of your cousins have any understanding of the situation with your sibling? Even if not, you could just say, "Hey Cousin Bob, love you all but I have to duck out."

[Rosina]

I attended my uncle's funeral two years ago.  It was all pretty amusing.  My NDad did not attend his brother's funeral, but he did drive by the funeral home.  My NSis was talking to the VFW color guard that were there.  They know her because she bartends for some of their events.   I am pretty sure that she was asking them to ask me where I live now, as three of the VFW asked me.  The first time I was asked, I outright lied, the second time, I told them to tell my sister to use google, and the third time, I ignored the person asking.  Several times as I was talking, I could see my N sis reflected in their sunglasses.  There were a few times I thought she was going to start something.  At one point, we were about 10 feet away from one another and facing each other.  All she could do was glare at me and grit her teeth.  After 12 yrs of not speaking or seeing one another.  And I hadn't talked to my NDad  either in over 10 yrs.   
I can tell you that I truly felt nothing for any of those nasty people, I felt I had overcome a task that was part of my destiny.  I also think I was running on adrenaline and was mentally tired.  The finality hit me as the plane taxied to take me back to FL.  I cried the only tears I cried that whole trip.   I knew I was never going to go home again.

If they wanted to know where I lived, they could have asked, but then that wasn't the point.

My uncle's funeral atmosphere was tense, we are glad we could use the Patriot Riders organization to help keep the peace.    At the end of the funeral, the Patriot Riders asked how a family could get the way that we were!

[sandpiper]

I'm glad your uncle is on the mend but as others have said, there will be other funerals.
However giving that we're living through a global pandemic, and most places have restrictions on numbers at funerals, and here in Oz where we have managed to contain it, it's quite often funerals that have been super-spreader events that have transported the virus to locations far afield, and that has put the burden of self-quarantine on anyone who's been in contact with them, I'd be asking the question - do you really need to go to a funeral in the next year or is there a better and safer way of showing the bereaved that you care about them?
If you have a plan in mind then it will take away your anxiety about how to deal with the situation. You could send flowers and write a letter to the bereaved which shares happy memories of the deceased and says how much they meant to you, and you could tell them that you aren't doing crowds just now because of the situation with the virus but you hope to meet with them and remember your relative in a more intimate setting, down the track. We all have to find innovative ways to cope in the pandemic & FWIW I've come to view my family dynamics as being so destructive to my mental health that I think any containment plan we'd use for a PD family funeral could be useful in the pandemic.
I made a blanket decision, no more attending funerals of people who really aren't a part of my life through their own choices. If they didn't want me to be part of their world while they were alive then I can't imagine why they'd want me there to mark their passing.
UBPDsis cut me out of her life many years ago and then five years later when her husband killed himself, she manipulated a number of people, including her pre-teen daughter, to try to reel me in to go to the funeral and console her in her grief. Considering that her behaviour was probably one of the things that drove her husband to suicide, I wasn't about to be the next one that she pushed over the edge so I politely declined to attend. I asked the flying monkey squad if PD sister had asked them to call me. Uncomfortable silence followed by 'No.'
My response: 'Well, PD sister decided for her own reasons that she did not want me in her life. I think it would be disrespectful of her boundaries to go against her wishes and if you are acting against her wishes then this may simply compound her grief and confusion at such a distressing time. If you want to talk to me, know that I am always here, but I think it's for the best to let PD sister manage her own relationships. Let's respect that by allowing her to make her own choices about who she does and does not want in her life. I'm sure if she wants me around, she will calle me.'
She didn't, of course. Her husband's death was just an opportunity to grandstand, play games, pit people against each other, centre herself in the Grand Drama that is her life, and create chaos.
In the end she found a far more satisfying target for her drama as her husband's first wife - whose inheritance he stole in order to start a new life with my sister - turned up on the arm of his mother.
I can only imagine my sister's chagrin when the hated first wife turned up on the arm of her hated MIL.
There's always someone else who is willing to play the games at funerals.
I've made a blanket decision that I'm not attending any more of those. There are other ways to grieve that don't involve jumping on the PD drama production line.
My advice would be, spend some time with the elderly and the frail now. If you're close to your uncle I'm sure he'd much rather enjoy your company while he is still here.