How am I supposed to feel when I fancy someone?

[pianissimo]

Hello all

Ever since I found out about narcissism, I have become disoriented a bit. As I understand, the explosive feeling of love I felt for guys in the beginning of a relationship was the trauma bond that was left from my childhood. I actually remember feeling that way when I was a child. So, what I thought me fancying a potential romantic partner was actually the child in me thinking she finally earned her mother's love. So, all this time, the feelings I thought romantic were not so romantic. Did I get this part right?

Now, the question I'm asking myself, how do I know if I fancy someone? What am I supposed to feel? How do I know when I like someone without that exciting sparkly feeling? Do these questions make any sense?

NB: I posted this message under a different message category by mistake. I deleted it and re-posted here because I think it fits under the category of working on us.

[1footouttadefog]

For me with friendships, I learned that the pull to instantly jump in and get involved in what someone I meet amd hit if off with, has going on is now a warning sign.

I ignore the feeling and take it easy.  I proceed slowly now and observe.  I have noticed that many who push the pace faster turn out to be someone I dodged a bullet with.

With romance is similar but different at the same time.  I think that holding your cards close amd proceeding with caution regardless of how intense things may seem will benifit you and buy time for the initial infatuation to subside.

I very much believe that the prolonging of the initial rush is something that PDs specialize in.  Backing off and refusing to let the pace be frenetic, ajd setting boundaries  against love bimbing attempts will serve to screen out many pd close calls regardless of your feelings.

[Hepatica]

I totally agree with 1footoutadefog.

I think it's so important to take it slow. And if you meet someone where you don't feel intense attraction right away, wait and continue to date at your pace, with a wait and see attitude. If someone is PD, they will by pushy about not wanting to wait and that and that will be your big red flag.

I too remember the sparkly feelings and didn't know this was actually the old trauma bonding. I didn't feel the sparkly feeling with Dh (who is not disordered) and I dated him for awhile. It was when he went away for a month that I realized he was my best friend and possible lover. He brought me peace and a sense of security rather than a roller coaster ride sensation. He was steady and he never once showed me disrespect. We also had a lot in common.

Still with him twenty years later and I'm so glad because I had been seeing a really disordered guy when I met him and it could have gone either way, but I read a pamphlet about domestic abuse and dating and it said something about questioning really fast attraction as it could be that you are attracted to the familiar if you come from a family where there was abuse. Best tip I ever read, because I slowed down completely with disordered guy and dumped him the first time he disrespected me and ended up with my husband instead.

[Boat Babe]

Oh yes, I know this one alright. I used to LIVE for the excited sparkly feeling. It made me feel whole and alive like nothing else. When in these states of temporary madness, I could do and did anything. Mostly I was very lucky but I got badly burned three times. Twice by guys who were totally PD and the other guy was a heroin user (it turned out) But I can't judge the last guy cos I was just as addicted. Love is the drug, and I need to score.

I've been working on this recently (thank you Covid 19) as I am actually sick of it. Sick of the hamster wheel aspect of it. Sick of being too intense when in a relationship and of feeling needy and sick of terrible lonliness when I am (briefly and occasionally single). I think it's all part of the same acting out of an attachment wound: the utter thrill of falling madly in love the emotional insecurities and the need to be SEEN.

That's why children of PDs are sitting ducks for love bombing. I for one soak up male attention like grateful blotting paper.

I'm currently working on separating this deep deep pattern from actual relationships. Trying to find a way to establish what is a healthy and skillful way to relate and what is my old pattern coming out to play once again.

Like everyone has said, we need, as survivors of PD abuse, to proceed with caution. We really don't rush in where angels fear to tread. We don't overshare everything, at once. We don't drop everything and everyone because we're in love. We never compromise our values. We hold respect, honesty and kindness to be of the highest importance.

May we all find peace within ❤️

[Stillirise]

Take my words with a grain of salt, as I have been married to stbxUPDh for over 20 years.  However, like Boat Babe, I now believe I'm at least aware of my own patterns in relationships.  I have also been taking this downtime to go back over things from the past, and understand how and why I ended up in those dysfunctional relationships.

I now realize that the guy I dated before the stbx, the one who seemed almost "too nice," that never raised his voice in anger, was a genuinely nice guy, and that I broke it off with, would probably be like someone I'm ready to meet now.   In retrospect, he's the only guy I remember seriously dating, where there wasn't drama.  Back then, even though our relationship was good, I didn't think he was "sparkly" enough.  There were other reasons for the breakup...like being from neighboring countries, and neither ready to leave "home" forever, but honestly...I thought I was missing that extra bit of excitement (dysfunction).  I started dating the stbx a short time later.  It took me a long time to realize what a huge error in judgement I'd made.

So, I agree with all of the above.  While I do get lonely at times, I don't feel like I've done all the work yet to even think about a new romantic relationship.  However, if/when the time comes, I want things to move very slowly, and be based on my core values.  If that spark feels too hot, too fast, I hope I'm ready to extinguish it this time around! 

Thank you for asking this question, and for the eloquent responses above.  It gave me the chance to weigh my situation, and gain more insight.  Best wishes to you, pianissimo.  I hope you have gained some clarity here, as well.

[JustKeepTrying]

I want to thank all of you for this thread - pianissimo, 1footouttadefog, boat babe and stillirise (love that poem), you touched on a topic that has been floating in and out of my mind.  I divorced my xOCPDh after a 30 year marriage last Jan.  This summer I reconnected with a college friend and that "sparky" feeling flared.  It has been decades since I felt it and I never thought I would again after all those of abuse.

Fortunately, with covid, nothing could happen and also fortunately, the communication just continued and we are now good friends.  Perhaps something some day but I no longer feel sparky.  Just grateful for friendship.

All of your posts have given me something to think about - too fast, too intense, what is really important - all aspects that are and will be important if I ever do feel that spark again.

I am moving past middle age into those twilight years.  I may or may not find anyone again.  I am fine with either.  It was nice to know that I could spark again after my turtous marriage.  But your comment of keeping it slow and allowing for time, they exactly what I needed to hear today.  Thank you.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and giving advice.

I, too, have missed many relationship opportunities. But, I forgive myself for it because it is such a strong feeling. Or perhaps it was just me who felt it so strongly, almost achingly.  I felt it in such a way it would bring tears to my eyes. it was impossible for me to ignore it. I suspect this is the case for most people with a history of abuse.

I actually went after that feeling recently. But cautiously! Because, it was there, and I thought I could take it this time. "I could make it work this time". At the time, I didn't know about personality disorders, but I had developed my personal boundaries and I knew who I was.  So, when I met people I liked (friends and potential partners), I felt that strong attraction again, and I let myself socialize with them. I thought I was strong then, so there was no way they could do me any harm.  I thought I was in control. But, how strange it is that, despite all this strength I had, what caused me to remember where that attraction came from was a verbal abuse by a boyfriend of a friend I liked dearly. Despite all my caution, things got out of hand, and, in that chaos, I found myself in my childhood. It turned out, the attraction I felt didn't belong to me as an adult. It belonged to a child! After that, the feeling became a memory. Nowadays, I don't feel it, I remember it. I hope this won't change. I feel relieved without it.

I am personally glad that I followed that attraction again last time (and I am glad that I was cautious enough) because I tend to blame myself when my friendships or relationships fail. I used to make friends with these social, easygoing, nurturing women who betray me (mother), and fall for very handsome guys who would make me feel ugly and insignificant (big brother), and sometimes I would date men a bit older than me who would not love me for who I am (father). Tracing that attraction to my childhood helped me to see that it is quite normal for me to struggle this way.

[1footouttadefog]

I think getting in tough with the origins of our feelings and what we are trying to have validated or what emptyness or unmet needs we are trying to fullfil is helpful in avoiding dangerous relationships, friends or romantic ones.

In this taking things slow and easy gives time to both feel and observe ourselves in the process so we can see the red flags and respond to them from a place of strength and not vulnerability.