I need serious help with a Nfamily, left alone with the nmon and nbrother

[lostsoul]

My dad died this summer from a bodily issue he developed when he was in his twenties.  My dad was not an nparent but tried to do his best.   I am the younger sibling, and both my parents physically abused us.   It later turned into emotional abuse and I began to become really distant to the outside world.  I felt unhappy but didn't deserve to because "they gave us anything we wanted" this is what she always said despite being very emotionally distant towards me and never being available to help me with my school work which caused me a lot of pressure to get good grades, but I didn't have the proper network at home to get the help I needed with school work because they were never available.   If I brought this up as a reason I was stressed, she would tell me that I didn't know what stress was because I didn't pay any bills.  Just throwing it back in my face and making me feel bad. 

There was so much gaslighting going on when I would go to her with a problem with anything, she would have an excuse for it.  As if I didn't know what I had experienced.  Instead of trying to understand or help me understand how I felt she would just make me feel that I didn't perceive the situation correctly despite her knowing anything more than what I told her. 

There have been instances with my brother taking my things from my room.  I would go to them about it and they would never do anything about it.  If I wanted to go no contact with my brother she would always try to make me feel guilty by saying things like "family is all you got" instead of actually ever addressing anything I just said to her!! 

I have been gone from the house for years now, but he is still there.  I have always worked, and paid for my own things as an adult.  She has never noticed this or even seemed proud of it at all.  Where I stand at now I have been in several occasions where my brother got violent with me and my mom would threaten to kick us both out if I called the cops on him.  I am considering now getting a restraining order and officially going NC for good with both my nmom and nbrother.  I am absolutely frightened and afraid of him after hearing about a domestic abuse situation with his girlfriend that sounded eerily similar to situations ive been in with him where he just snapped out of no where and escalated to physical violence really quickly.  After my mom dies she has wrote in the will that the house will go to both of us but I know that it will really be HIS house. 

There is absolutely no way im going to stay in a house with someone that has gotten violent with me and threatened violence against me in the past.  But if I go to my mother about any of this she just says "he's all you got".  I need some advice because I'm not sure what to do next because I obviously cannot talk to my mom about this.

My question is...

from people in similar situations with an nfamily what did you do?  What should be my next steps? 

Have a nice day 

[Fiasco]

It sounds like your instincts are right about staying away from your brother especially. Never put yourself in a situation that can turn violent against you. You don't have to get a restraining order to go NC, the no contact is just on your part, as you can't control what other people do. If you need a restraining order to stay safe or create a police record then by all means.

Regarding the house that may be 50 percent yours after your mom's death it is way too early to worry about that now but there is no reason in the world you would be required to live in it with your brother! If she happens to pass with the house 100 percent paid off and your brother wants to live in it and you don't what he does is get a mortgage to buy your half from you. If he can't or won't the home is sold and you split the money. You 100 percent get a lawyer in the event that this home is in fact left to  you. A probate attorney generally gets paid AFTER the house is sold and the estate is settled, and their fee is a percentage of the estate. You pay nothing out of pocket.

[Hepatica]

Hi lostsoul,

Thank you for opening up and sharing this very familiar family situation, as so many of us here have aspects similar, we will all understand what you are going through. You are not alone. You are not lost. But I know that what you're going through is hard. It's not unsolvable though. There is hope.

It sounds like you've got a good grasp of a lot of the language and understand how toxic families minimize our experiences and gaslight and try to tell us that "family is everything."

This is not true. Family is everything if it is a safe loving family. Disordered families are not good for us.

Your mother has tried to make you doubt your own sense of knowing and therefore she is not a safe person. Your brother sounds very disordered and it's time you move into safety mode. If I were in your situation I'd figure out the best way to keep myself safe, number one. You cannot change your mother or brother but you can mitigate the damage they cause by lowering contact and not sharing anything personal with them. PD's seek and need drama and you need to disengage from drama. Back away slowly. You don't need to explain to either of them why or give any explanations. There are so many good strategies in the toolbox to help with tips and lots of people here with great advice.

I would not engage with your brother in anyway and I would not live with him. You are getting very bad feelings and you know well his history. Try to limit your contact to only necessary and make your reactions very maximum chill.

If he continues to become violent then reach out to a domestic violence shelter for women and seek advice as to what they suggest.

Many of us here have had to be drastic with family. For me I changed my phone. I put a lock on my gate. I reduced contact to zero. This didn't happen over night, but over time as I began to slowly disengage.

I know your mother is using the will and the house to tie you to your brother. This does not sound worth it to me. I have opted to let go any outcome of the will from my parents for the sake of my mental health. Don't wait around for your mother's words to come true. She may not will it to either of you. Staying in normal contact with her and your brother is not worth the risk to your health.

If you have a therapist share this situation with them, or seek a therapist if possible. You can have a wonderful life, but not with your mother and brother in close contact with you. Many of us have had to make this very difficult choice but it has brought peace to our lives.

Nobody gets to abuse us. Not family, not anyone. Family does not get a free pass to behave in a disordered manner toward us. I vehemently disagree with your mother that "family is all you've got."  You are your own hero. You need only focus on your own path to safety and good health. Letting go of their disorder is the best way to begin.

Good luck and keep writing here when you need to.