People pleaser, at your service

[pianissimo]

Hello,

I'm writing this message just after an online counseling session. I feel very depressed now, especially after realizing I tried to take care of my online counselor's emotions too. I was a bit disappointed... because she was late. It felt like, she didn't listen to me very attentively. In the end, I felt like I wasn't understood. But, I assured her that all was fine and the session was great. Afterwards, I thought of quitting, but, then, I felt sad for the counselor... It felt selfish, or, perhaps, mean. Then, I felt tired. I thought I would look into it the next day because I had no energy to make a decision and face its consequences. Most people would just click the "quit" button because there are no consequences to face. It was all in my head. I was feeling too tired to challenge the rationality of my feelings. I think we are talking about fears and anxieties here.

It seems like I'm a people pleaser. I suspect that I come from a home with a narcissistic family dynamic. I think that I am still drawn to narcissistic people.

It feels like nothing will help with this. These days, it feels like whatever I do is wrong. I'm single. I've a few friends. I've a job. But, at this point, my emotions scare me. I've a big fear of abandonment. When I feel lonely, I blame myself for it. It feels like the only thing I've mastered is to manage despair. I don't even know what I should expect from friendships or relationships. When I'm single, I suffer, but, when I have someone in my life, I suffer more. Sometimes, I find friendships painful too. I feel lonely even when I'm not alone. Sometimes, everything is irritating, nothing how it is supposed to be, and I know that it's not the World, but it's me. I feel like this is a particular type of suffering. Does it have a name?

I suppose the reason I'm feeling this way is the counseling. Sometimes, this is how I feel after meeting with friends, or after some other social interaction that is pleasant in some way but not satisfying. Is that me seeking the trauma bond? Am I craving for emotional abuse?

So, these days, these are the questions I'm asking myself day and night.

Happy to be here

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place! Have you looked into the book "Co-Dependent no more" by Beatty? It was an eye opener for me.
You described the situation with the therapist so well, I can relate to that. I call it my mind reading, when I try to feel out what others are thinking and feeling. Over the years I have taught myself to recognize that this is all in my mind, that I am putting my thoughts and my feelings into the head of others. Your therapist might have made her shopping list during the session, she might have put together her Xmas menu,  who knows, we can't read other people's minds. What you can do is stick to the facts. She was late. She seemed disinterested. You did not feel understood. You know what you are feeling and you can respect your own feelings and take them seriously. You were not honest in the end, you said all was fine when in fact it was not for you.  Therapy is a place where you safely can work on your shortcomings. In this case, this might be an opportunity to stand up for yourself.  What would you really like to tell this person? Can you write that down? When you consider giving them that feedback, what do you feel? In my case it used to be breathtaking fear. What is it for you? 

[pianissimo]

Thanks for the book suggestion. I will definitely take a look at it. I try to read as much I can to figure out what's going on with me. It really helps.

I think your question is very helpful to understand myself. The idea of handing that kind of feedback to the counselor brings out voices in my head and emotions. I feel pity for the counselor. The voice in my head tells me that she's doing her best. Is it worth hurting her? Because, it might hurt her. Because, people are not robots, and feedback might make them feel better or worse. The voice tells me I'm asking for too much. She was late, but she did arrive and gave me the full session. She wasn't attentive but she made effort. Our circumstances were not great for her to do everything perfectly. It feels like what I'm asking for is the perfect session in my head, which is what I see in films. Of course the counselor was late because this is real life, and in real life, there is a global pandemic, and everybody is suffering from it. Why is your suffering more important than other people's? You want a simple solution, but, like everything in life, there is no simple solution. You will have to figure out how counseling works, so that it will work for you. You would be very lucky if the first counselor you had a session with was a perfect fit for you. You just don't want to put the work in it. You just want a fairy who will swing her magic wand and make everything alright. You are being lazy. The fact is you can't deal with life, and that includes counseling.

I think the voice in my head is very convincing.

Emotionally, it comes down to shame, I guess. I feel ashamed for asking for more or saying no. In real life, after a conflict, I assume whoever the person I fall out will never want to see me again. In occasions where I say no, in my mind, I say goodbye to the person I say no to. And, I wonder if I myself do this to people. I feel like perhaps I'm not fair to people who offend or hurt me in some way. Perhaps, I abandon people who say no to me or who ask for more. This leaves me alone in the end, perhaps this is why my friendships don't last long.

[D.]

Hello Pianissimo,
Welcome 😊
I too struggle with giving feedback or given those choices what feedback to even give.  If you decide to do so with this therapist I think that you will find a healthy person responds appropriately.  The more you receive those appropriate responses the more you will heal.  I recently had to change therapists and it took a few times of me telling her what did or didn't work to find a relationship that is really helping me move along the path of healing.  Just having the conversation of what you liked or didn't like is empowering.  Cry if you want, tell her how hard it is for you to even bring up the topic...
Thanks for sharing here and giving us all an opportunity to learn together. I think you'll find this forum quite helpful.
C.

[LemonLime]

Hi Piannisimo,
Your story so resonates with me.  I'm now in my mid-50's and have been married almost 20 years.  The biggest gripe my husband had about me when we got married was how I would clam up when I was angry.  Only in the past 5 years or so have I been able to be able to speak when I'm mad.  I used to clam up for a day, then explode.  Then I learned to clam up for only half a day, then explode.   Now it's only about 2 hours!  Progress!   He would get so frustrated that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong.  He patiently urged me to just say it....and he was very able to handle whatever I said to him.  He may be unusual, but it has been so helpful to have someone absolutely INSIST that I open up.   I'm lucky.
The truth is that I, like you, couldn't imagine that anyone could hear negative feedback and still want to be with me. 
Lots of therapy later....I have learned to say what I feel much sooner, and with less of an "edge" than before.   I used to get so mad at people in my head, and then by the time I let it out, I was livid and mean.   And I hated myself for that.  It ruined many relationships.
Therapy is a good time to practice this.  I told my last therapist that I felt frustrated from the last session because I felt she did not want to let me vent about how angry I was at my uPD sister.  I felt she tried to rush me through that venting, and that what I really needed was to vent.   I was so scared to tell her.  I started by telling her that I was afraid to tell her, and then I told her kindly that I felt rushed.   I kept it factual and used "I" statements.   I did not make her "wrong" and I did not whine.   I gave facts, and told her how I felt.   She responded well and thanked me and apologized.   It truly strengthened our bond.   I urge you to do the same with your therapist.  They are here for OUR growth and development and they are being paid for that.  Some of them will not have the emotional maturity and professionalism to handle it.  But as much as I hate looking for a new therapist, I'd rather look for someone new than stay with one who can't handle me and my emotions.   And I've had so so many who just cannot seem to handle me.   I see that as a failing on their part, not mine.  The whole reason we are there is to work through this stuff.  What better time than in therapy?

I'm reading the book "Growing Yourself Up" by Jenny Brown.   It might be helpful for you.

I wish you the best of luck and keep posting!

[pianissimo]

Many thanks for all the helpful replies!

C., you are right that this site is quite helpful. For instance, even though I called myself a people pleaser, I wasn't aware of the extent of my codependent traits. I haven't read the book Notrightinthehead recommended yet, but I'm very curious.

LemonLime, you are so right about that this is about me not expressing my anger. Now I kind of see why the delay in session depressed me so much. I think what annoyed me was that, the therapist arrived late and she apologized so profusely (this happened and that happened, sorry...etc.), I perceived the apology as a plead to comfort her, and, at the time, I was the one who needed comforting for all kinds of things. This further annoyed me, but of course, I didn't communicate this to her because I was too busy taking care of her feelings instead of feeling mine!  I should definitely stop doing this.