What *IS* my side of the story?

[thefivewhysguy]

Hi All,

I am getting divorced from my BPD wife of 5 years.  She started the divorce process (I believe bc she had started an affair)  but I soon realized that I actually felt good knowing that we were getting divorced.  Before, it had been this cudgel she'd kept around as a threat...   I felt like I had been on thin ice for years and had grown accustomed to that feeling.  Suddenly being on solid ground again was refreshing. 

The point of this post, though, is I was telling my therapist that I wished I could speak to my in laws and some of my wife's friends to tell them "my side of the story".  She was like "ok, so what's your side of the story?  Tell it to me" .   I stumbled and kept getting off on tangents...   point taken.  I don't really have an understanding of what I think happened. 

Have any of you sat down and formed a clear narrative of what went down?   I feel like there are reasons for us to get divorced and some of those reasons have to do with me...  but my wife hasn't been officially diagnosed as BPD, so her family/friends aren't going to buy into that easily, and who knows what nonsense she's been telling others about me.  Does it matter?  Should I just try to get through the legal part of the divorce as quickly as possible and just leave town? 

[notrightinthehead]

What do you want to do?

Sounds like you are glad to be out of this marriage. What made it so bad for you? What makes you think your wife is BPD? What are the lessons you have learned? What will you look out for in future relationships? How much have you contributed to the way your wife has treated you?

[eyesopen]

It took me some time to form my clear narrative of what went down that led to my divorce. My exw was quick to tell me and anyone else who would listen (i.e. all of her friends and family) her narrative: what a terrible person I  am and how everything was all my fault. She cheated multiple times with multiple partners, but the closest she could get to accepting responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the relationship was admitting that she cheated because I wasn't there for her. She knew what she did was bad for our marriage, yet her actions were still somehow my fault.

It wasn't until I was away from her for an extended period that I could finally articulate my side of things. The stumbling and getting off on tangents happened to me too - simply because she would say or do things to put me off balance and make me doubt myself.  But as I figured it out for myself, I never attempted to tell her my side. What would be the point? She would just argue and tell me how I'm wrong. Instead, I analyzed my own actions over the last several years and found my own flaws that I need to work on (codependence, not addressing my stress, keeping my feelings and opinions to myself for fear of upsetting her, etc.). I've faced those things myself and don't feel I owe it to her to tell her any of it - after all, we're divorced now and I don't want to ever get back together.

I've recently found someone new that's accepting of who I am, baggage and all. It's still very early in the relationship, but communication is already far better than it ever was with my ex. I can be open about what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want and need. And she's doing the same. The difference is astounding and entirely for the better.

Only you can decide what's best for you. If that's divorce, then find peace within yourself with that decision and you don't owe an explanation to anyone. After you make the choice and move forward, leave the past behind you except for the wisdom you can gain from it.

[Bunnyme]

I'm glad that you are feeling good about your situation.  FWIW, I've found that my in-laws will believe everything he says and will defend him until their dying day.  People see what they want to see.  I tried telling them just some of the things that were going on so they understood why I was divorcing him. What ended up happening was that when they confronted him about it, he twisted the story all around and made me look bad.  Now they think I'M the liar.   
In working with my therapist, I've let go of that urge.  You can certainly explain if you wish, but you dont owe an explanation to anyone.  Being almost a year separated, I'm finding some members of his family are now the targets since I am not feeding into his PD anymore.  Some of them are coming to their own conclusions about him.  Now, for the most part, I havent told any of his family anything except those things I can absolutely prove. (I'm not perfect about it, though.)  Even then, I dont unless it affects them.  My attorney also cautioned me to not talk to people we both know about anything.  I've just been vague while letting them know there's more to the story..."I'd rather not get into it since he isnt here to defend himself."  If they try to stand up for him or how awesome he is, I just say, "I'm glad your experience has been different than mine."  Again, this is only if they bring it up.
I think the others are right.  You will come to the point where you can articulate your side once you get more distance from it.  Best wishes to you. 

[Kat54]

I agree with BunnyMe, people will see what they want to see. In the beginning I told "my side", blamed my uNPD ex husband with his verbal and emotional abuse.  It was there from the beginning but certainly escalated as we were splitting up. It became quite clear who he said things to as some people, friends and family stopped speaking to me.

I did have a very clear narrative about what went wrong. Terrible communication, I couldn't have a conversation with him, he would block, change the topic, twist what I would say, and he was verbally and emotionally abusive.
Looking back I do share some of the blame, I didn't care anymore, and felt like I could do whatever I wanted to hurt him, and I did. Maybe if I didn't set out to hurt him could we have worked on things, possibly? But way deep down and even to this day he never accepted an ounce of blame and i knew he never would. Not an excuse to hurt him, but I was so angry that he couldn't care about what I was going through, it was about me leaving him and he was the best at being the victim.

[Associate of Daniel]

Pd behaviour is so chaotic and insane, and so insidious that it's indescribable. 

It's often not necessarily big things they do that we can point to, but continual small things.

If we give examples of their behaviour to others, they describe seemingly small, meaningless things that could be put down to the pd having a bad day.

It's almost impossible to explain or describe the insidious nature of pd abuse.

I've found it helpful to come up with a short statement that I (might) give to someone who asks for the reason for my divorce.

"My H didn't love me and eventually decided he preferred his non christian girlfriend over his christian wife."

And probably that's too much information, yet not enough, as it leaves out the pd behaviour. But it helps me to box up that part of my life and move forward. Especially if I leave out the pd stuff, ironically.

As yet, no one's really asked.   And really, is it anyone's business?

As for the inlaws, you might find my story scattered through the boards here.

They didn't acknowledge my existence for nearly 7 years after their son left me.  We'd had no falling out. They just went no contact.

Initially I wanted validation from them.  It took about 5 years for me to let go of that need.

When the validation did come a year or so later, I no longer needed it - nor wanted it.  It came at too much of a cost for them.

My uNPD exH (their son) and his uNPD wife have essentially cut contact with his parents and they are devastated. They now see what their son and DIL are, and the trail of destruction behind them.

Validation for me comes at a huge cost for others.  That being the case, I don't want it.  I think I've found a way to meet my need for validation in myself.

Time helps. Coming Out of the FOG helps. Supportive friends and family help.

I no longer feel the need to explain my situation to anyone.  I rarely these days feel the need to put my side of the story.

Thakfully.

All the best.

AOD

[Stillirise]

I understand how hard it can be, to feel like you aren't being heard or understood.  I have spent quite a lot of time dissecting what happened, why it happened, etc., mostly so I can try to avoid being entangled with another PD individual in the future.

As to what I tell people, I have narrowed my statement down to something like, "I realized I was allowing my children to see the exact opposite of how a loving husband and wife should interact with each other. I could no longer let that stand."  I sometimes add that I hope the stbxUPDh and I can each have a better relationship with the children, now that the chaos of us living in the same home is gone. 

I also remind myself that what he chooses to tell people is none of my business.  I know he tries to paint me as unstable, and says the reason we separated was "we just couldn't get along."  However, what he tells people doesn't really bother me anymore.

Also remember, there will likely be those people who see through the PD act, but because of family ties, etc., will choose to remain quiet.  The high ground almost always prevails, and the truth will eventually stand on its own.  In the end, you can leave town if you choose, but you may end up looking like the reasonable, rational one, by staying quiet, and true to yourself. Best wishes!

[1footouttadefog]

I am in a different place in many ways, yet I relater yo the question in the opening post.

I can answer, perhaps even succinctly.  Sadly I would have no story to tell those "on his side" he has no friends and has little contact with the two remaining family members which are his cousins.

I have no dog in that fight anyway. Anyone who knows me will either trust my decision or not.  They will remain or they wont.  I am moving forward ajd starting a different life and that is my story.

My spouse of 35 years is mentally ill and declining with age related congnative issues etc.  But the covert narcissism and passive aggression and disrespect has become more than I or my daughters can live with.  I will be his gardian and live as a single woman.  He will still be selfish and narcissistic and child like.

[ChillNow]

Excellent replies here.  Just wanted to add that it may just take a little more time for you to get clarity and perspective to be able to articulate 'your story.'  Because life with her was a mix, right?

Many of us wanted to give the benefit of the doubt when moods and behaviors were erratic and hurtful – because of the good times/days.  In normal relationships, that is what you're generally supposed to do because the other person is able to self-correct in the long run.  As in the saying that a good relationship consists of two good forgivers, etc.  But with a PD person, or difficult person or emotionally immature person, it backfires.  In my case, I have realized that I was too forgiving and understanding for way too long - to the point that I became enabling.

It seems that PD people know j-u-s-t how far they can push it without losing people around them, thereby having created much toxicity and cognitive dissonance in the people around them.  So, so  unhealthy!  As Dr. Ramani stated: 'Narcissists are a mind___k' – please excuse the bad language but unfortunately it is true.

Again, you may just need a little more time to heal and get clarity before you can really articulate your story.  I'm confident that you will reach that point.  Wishing you peace and healing.

[GettingOOTF]

I have, and can tell, a clear narrative of what happened in my marriage. I went to therapy, read lots of books and took an honest, hard look at myself, my history and my behavior.  I changed many habits and learned new skills to cope with my feelings and various situations that used to provoke toxic behaviors from me.

In the early days of the divorce I too wanted to tell my side to his family and friends. No one wanted to hear it, I simply looked as crazy as he told people I was. And really, nor should they want to hear it. They are his family and his support circle. It was not my place to try to convince them of his faults and bring them over to my side.

Hands down the most helpful thing in my being able to build a happy, fulfilled life and finally have this clear narrative has been accepting my part in the relationship. I no longer “blame” my ex for what he did as I clearly see that if I hadn’t ended up with him I would have ended up with someone exactly like him. It was never about him and what he did, it was always about me and why I picked, married and stayed for as long as I did with someone like him.

I did the most work on my codependency. Feeling the need to convince others and control the narrative is a codependent behavior. I used to think if I could just get them to see x then I would feel better, the situation would change etc. People see what they want to see and they didn’t want to see who my ex really was. PDs do not happen in a vacuum. We learn our behaviors from somewhere. Someone’s family is probably the least likely of anyone to see PD faults.

My life really changed for the better once I put my focus on to myself.

My ex is blocked everywhere. Yesterday I found he’d opened a new SM account to follow me. I had to look at it to block him. He hasn’t changed a bit. Also, this is petty, but he looks a mess. I am unrecognizable from my married days, in a good way. I don’t feel the need to gloat, I don’t think “oh this as karma”. I am simply grateful to be where I am now and away from the chaos that was my life when I was married to him. 

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, GettingOOTF.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I totally understand the need to explain our "non-PD" side of the story but in most cases it will not be worth the time and emotional energy.    The enablers in the PDs life will only defend or make excuses for the PD's actions and behavior.   Chances are you could leave that conversation feeling victimized again.   In my case, I feel sorry for my exPD's family.   In many ways he has financially, emotionally and verbally abused them too.  They just can't see it.   

YOU know your truth and that is all that matters.     

[DJR]

My N-SIL is leaving her H after years of devaluation and now a total discard that included an affair.

You may not need to have a detailed narrative of your side, because people who know the PD person probably already know that they are different and disordered! I certainly know from my own experience that my N-SIL has impossible rules, double standards, is rude and she rages. Right now, she's rewriting history. I can imagine what being married to her was like.  She has discarded not only her H, but also their kid, their friends, and H's family.

I know you want to work out a narrative so you yourself knows what happened, but the other people propably already can guess and you won't need to get into personal detail.