New here, fed up with the stalking

[Lumos]

Hello,

I'm female, in my late 30s and my mother abused me in various ways when I was a young child. The abuse included sexual and physical assaults. I do not have evidence of these as she always done these things to me when we were alone. There are only the effects she left, psychological impact, eating disorder, anxiety, ptsd symptoms and a sexual dysfunction. She continues to send unwanted gifts, cards, letters to me in spite of me having a solicitor warn her not to contact me in any way. She stopped for almost a few years but has sent me a card and a 'gift' on two separate days these past two weeks. The last contact she made was a letter to me and she threatened me in that. The solicitor was not happy at her doing this.

I know I need to tell the police and get more legal help now. But I am just so exhausted. I was in the process of healing and I was doing so well. I got the card from her yesterday and had a horrendous panic attack, couldn't breathe properly and was dizzy and had chest pains. I had to lie down for about an hour. Any time she makes contact I get like this. I hate that she knows where I live. I have moved many times in the past and she always finds me somehow. It is still a mystery how she does this but an ex partner said maybe she has someone who has access to government files. Nothing would surprise me, to be honest. And my ex fought hard (I did too) to keep her out of both our lives back then. She sent missing people organisations looking for me too. I had to phone them and tell them to delete the file on me because she abused me and I want nothing to do with her. They were apologetic. She didn't try that again.

I told a relative what she done to me but I was not believed then both the relative and mother tried to make out as though I was lying and/or crazy. In the past she would threaten me with being sent to mental hospitals. And yet she still sends things after me outing her, her abuse. This time she wrote 'best wishes'. It makes me sick to even see her handwriting. Written by hands that done me a great deal of damage when I was a vulnerable child. I believe she may be a sociopath. She does have narcissistic traits, histrionic too. I also witnessed her assaulting one of my relatives when he was a baby and I was about seven.

I used to keep asking myself why she abused me (and him). I kept wondering if she has mental illness but she knew and knows what she does. She is able to hold down jobs and a new husband (somehow), she seems 'normal'. She knows that what she did was all wrong but she denies everything. I have been reading about female child abusers and I do think she really is a pedophile too.

I also think I have a dissociative condition from her abuse of me but I don't know how to explain this to therapists. I cannot afford private therapy. I've had free counselling etc but they can only do so much.

She always tried to stop me having or making friends too. She is/was very controlling.

I just want her out of my life for good.

It's all I want, really. But I am so tired and worn down by all she has done to me in my life. It is hard 

[Thru the Rain]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this!

For what it's worth, I believe you. I believe that you suffered from abuse at your M's hands.

From the physical reactions you describe, you might be suffering from Complex PTSD. Where PTSD is based on a single bad experience (i.e. participating in a war), Complex PTSD is based on long-term abuse, usually during the early years of life at the hands of a parent.

Here's a link to a Youtube video that walks through 12 typical symptoms of C-PTSD. It's helped my DH identify C-PTSD as a potential problem for him. He has a similar stalking problem with his abusive uNF, and he has similar physical reactions whenever he's interacted with his F or even recalls interactions with his F. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOibW5LXt3w

As far as getting your M to stop, I'm hoping others here might have some advice to share. DH and I are still working on keeping his abusive Father from stalking us.

[Lumos]

Thank you for your advice Thru the Rain, and for believing me.

I agree with you about the cPTSD, I did try to get the free health service to refer me for special trauma therapy but they have so far refused 

I really hope that you can stop your F stalking you too.