PD shows up in different ways

[PAY]

Hi!  I haven't posted a lot.  And I am going to read a bunch of posts after posting this.  OMG how this stuff shows up.  My udNPDh rages, as is common.  Typically he has one speed.  Raging.
I just realized I was love bombed!  We have been married 21 years.  In the process of divorcing but still living together.  We've had the first big mediation session with the financial disclosure.  We were far apart, as anticipated, on the spousal support (I will be paying). Then he left to visit a friend in a state 14 hours away, as he had planned, to get some distance after this mediation session.
I FINALLY found a place to move into.  (I have a mold sensitivity and have to be careful).  This place is perfect for me and it's a 6 month lease.
I emailed him this morning to tell him I found a place and the lease starts March 1.
He starts calling.  Trying to talk me out of it.  And then starts love bombing me (which I just realized that's what it was---cause I was starting to cave, thinking, he means it!) (This is when I knew I needed to reach out to all of you and get support in being strong about this and continue to move forward).
Although the raging was it's own kind of hard---it also became very clear that he was never going to change (finally, I got it!).  This is hard all over again and in a different way.
And the gaslighting!  When I told him in the email, I reminded him that he had said he wanted me to move out April 1.  And of course, he denies that he ever said it ~ and then tried to explain away, that if he did say it, it was because he thought we could be divorced April 11 and those last 11 days together would be uncomfortable. (Really?  Cos that's not what you said).

I want to hear all the things you did or told yourself to remain on the path toward extracting yourself from this craziness.

Thanks for listening!
PAY

[Boat Babe]

Heya and first of all, well done for doing what you need to rebuild your life. You sound like you know that the next few months will be tough and you're doing the right thing by preparing yourself. I think you're going to do this like a boss!

I had a bit of paper on which Id written some of the horrible things he'd called me, his addictions, his irrational hatreds, his delusions, his word salads and rants etc etc. It was quite the document! Whenever I had a touch of abuse amnesia, I'd whip out the list and, hey presto, I d go back to thinking I'd dodged a bullet. Two and a half years NC and definitely no regrets.

You've got this.

[notrightinthehead]

I had recorded some of his rants and listened to them whenever I started to wonder if it was really that bad.

I strongly advise to start journaling your thoughts and feelings. Also the memories, good and bad.  Write it all down. Also your doubts, hopes and fears. Document the love bombing and the conflicting messages you get. Just observe as if it was a science project you were doing.  And get as much information on PDs as you can.

[PAY]

Thank you! These are great suggestions. And I started journaling this morning.

I was completely taken by surprise by his desperation to get me to stay. I expected anger, sadness/depression when I told him via email that I was moving out. And since he himself had asked that I be gone by April 1, well, I thought there would be some level of relief.

Now I feel confused. I know the healthy me, you guys, and my therapist are all on the side of me continuing to move forward with moving out. I was in the process of packing with the intent of moving out lock stock and barrel (I.e. stuff I don't need to live/stuff from my parents home that eventually I'll want to have but don't need for daily living). Now, with this reaction and having read some other people's experience, I am wondering if I need to modify that and just prepare and plan to take the essentials. Or pack an "essentials" suitcase or two, get it out of the house now and be ready to just borrow a blow up mattress, etc when the time comes.
He's gone now. I don't know when he's coming back cos he hasn't said, even when asked. He has let me know that he'll be back by Friday. But he could walk through the door today, tonight, etc.

A friend has suggested and offered that we pack up my parent's treasures and store them at her place. Very generous! Because of our weather and packing supplies arriving tomorrow instead of today, we are planning to do this on Monday. As long as he's not back by then.

Thoughts and feedback are very welcome!

[clara]

My advice is to get out what you can, while you can.

When I left my NPDexh, I only took "essentials" and left a lot of my other stuff at the place we were renting.  He was going through a love-bombing phase with me, being Mr. Nice Guy, and I didn't expect problems.  He didn't mention the stuff I'd left, and I made the mistake of not making it clear I was still wanting it.  So, several months later, it was all gone.  I moved back into the place we were renting because he'd moved out, and nothing of mine was there.  He wasn't completely moved out, so plenty of his stuff was still there, but he'd gotten rid of all my stuff. 

I didn't push the issue because I just wanted him out of my life, but I also knew there would be no point because he could claim that since I hadn't taken it initially I obviously didn't want it.  It would've just been his word against mine, nothing was official or even written down.

[Boat Babe]

Yes, I left a few very lovely items at uPDex's place. I just couldn't face going back and seeing him again to pick it up.

How are your packing/moving plans working out PAY?

[1footouttadefog]

Get some ofnyour stuff out.  It will mean less loss, later if he gets nasty.

It will also help you not fall away from your plan of you are already on the path by taking steps to move your things now.

As to how to keep your momentum when he love bombs:

I see it this way. When they love bomb, they show that they CAN treat us well, and simply choose not to the rest of the time.  This makes things clear for me as to where I stand.

[hhaw]

Take your friend up on that offer to keep your important family items.

PD's standard playbook includes damaging and taking your mist cherished possessions, flip flopping between cruelty and live bombing and it's just cleaner to limit opportunity and exposure, IME.

Maybe you could stay at your friend's house while waiting for your new home?

Once you tune the PD's voice out of your life you'll begin feeling better...remembering who you were before the PD, ime.

Good luck. 

Hhaw

[PAY]

Thank you all.
My friend and I have taken 2 carloads of stuff to her place.  That feels good.
I have an inking he may arrive tomorrow.  Unfortunately, for better or worse, I had my 2nd covid shot yesterday ~ had a rough night, feel pretty rough/flu-like today.  I'm not sure how much I will be able to get down between now and tomorrow.  But, I have about 7 more bins in the front foyer and I'm hoping my friend will come over today and we can at least load up her car.

Some moments, I can't believe this is my life.

I may start another thread on this.
As I was going through some things last night, I came across some cards that I've kept over the years from him.  Very kind.  Very loving.
Last year, last January, we were in a horrific car accident.  I needed surgery for a broken foot.  He "only" needed 2 stitches in the back of his head.  Something flew up from the back and hit him.  Although no one has diagnosed a TBI, I am beginning to think that's part of what's going on. 
BUT, all these behaviors were there previously, just directed at his first wife, not me.  So the ground work was laid.  The accident has just likely exacerbated it.  However, nothing I can do.  I've made some suggestions ~ but you all know that he's not interested.

Thanks for your support.

PAY

[hhaw]

Continue asking for, and accepting help from your friend.

Simple choices, like getting your things OUT and limiting contact with the stbx PD will limit the time, expense and ongoing trauma of divorcing a PD, IME.