Advice about Xmas time

[Phoenix Rising]

So, this is our first Xmas back in DH's home country after living abroad.  So far it seems to me that already the manipulations by the in laws have begun and DH just lets it happen.

DH and I agreed on who we were buying for some weeks ago. We don't have a lot of money due to Covid and my income has been the sole source for the last two years. His family is aware of the situation. Recently, DH received an inheritance from his grandfather and not so long after that, BIL's wife informed that she is buying things for us and gave a list of things for us to buy for them and their three children. Now DH feels obligated to buy for all of them rather than his initial wish to save the money he got. I have children from a previous relationship, that DH has accepted and loved as his own but he has not thought about gifting them at all. I am unsure if I have the right to feel the way I do about how he spends his money or who he chooses to buy for. It still feels bad.

Due to Corona, it was planned not to have a huge family xmas dinner which normally consists of us, M/FIL, BIL, his wife and three kids, his wife's mother/sister/children. This Xmas, it would have just been M/FIL and us. Maybe it sounds harsh but both DH and I were super relieved about that. DH really dislikes the holidays and in the past, the in-laws guilted DH into pretending to be Santa... You know the typical, "You're going to ruin Xmas for the kids if you don't". I was relieved that DH wouldn't be put in that position and that it wouldn't be so many people and animals in one room. Xmas is a tough time of year since I lost my father two years ago and with Corona, I won't be able to see my children for Xmas. DH and I agreed that we would have a day we'd spend with his family and a day for ourselves. Yesterday, MIL told us that there is a change in plans. Somehow now we are spending the night there and we're having the big family gathering after all. 

I don't know if I am being selfish or out of line for feeling off about these things.. I have come a long way with putting boundaries in place and holding them. DH on the other hand is still struggling with that.

Do you have any tips on dealing with PDILs during the holiday season? Is there a positive way to talk to DH about boundaries without hurting his feelings?

[SunnyMeadow]

I try to discuss delicate things from a "what's best for you" angle. Even though I might be angry about his family, I frame it as me being concerned for him but not angry.

Although it may be too late to change this holiday, it's a good time to plan for the next one. I'd talk to dh about being a team of two, just you and him and what works best for your team. If you don't want to spend the night there, so no and say you'll be there at ____ time. She doesn't get to tell grown people what to do. "Sorry MIL, spending the night doesn't work for us, we'll be there at 3pm".

I think it's ok to bring this up to your dh, you aren't being selfish. You're having a discussion with your husband. You get a say in all this, just like he does! Do you think talking about this from a team point of view would be good for you? I don't see it coming off as hurting his feelings.

[Alexmom]

Phoenix Rising, today is the perfect time to proceed as you wish to begin now that you are back in DH's/the IL's country

I do see an unhealthy dynamic in which your IL family appears to steamroll through life dictating how it will be to you and your DH which in the past you may have begrudgingly done.   I lived a similar dynamic with my IL family until I started saying No which I recommend you and DH start adopting.  Yes it will be uncomfortable at first.  Yes, these people will be unhappy that you no longer are going along with their program but on the other side you will feel more in control of your life and true to yourself and who you are and what you want out of life.

I would not participate in your MIL's Christmas gathering.  COVID is a great reason to say No and stay home and is what many people are doing this year to stay safer and not spread this virus more than it is spreading.  I also would tell your SIL the gift exchange cannot happen this year.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such self absorbed and tone deaf twits.

[sandpiper]

Sounds like a super-spreader event to me.
I agree with the others, this year is not the time to be having large gatherings. There'll be a vaccination available next year and it'll be safer to do those sorts of things then.

You know, you don't have to go with your husband to this family Xmas. There are other options like, none of you go, you call in for an hour or two to exchange gifts, and you can ignore their shopping list of presents. I followed my sister's 'shopping list' requirements every year & regardless of that she found fault with the presents every year and played a fun little game of demanding that I return them to the shop when her children destroyed them within five minutes. I got past that one by giving gift vouchers instead. Not my circus, not my monkeys. The narcissism in PD families when it comes to meee meeee meee and the complete failure of empathy or awareness of your circumstances is just epic. I feel for you trying to get your DH to see it.
But the bottom line is, you don't need to be there and Covid gives you the perfect excuse to say, Nup, this year we're skyping in for Xmas & you can lose reception the minute they start to act up.
It takes time to build those boundaries and to get your partner on board but it is so worth it when you get there.

[Phoenix Rising]

Thanks for the support and suggestions for dealing with the PDILs and holidays this year.

We ended up going with our original plan (Xmas Eve with just M/FIL). PDILs were really pushing it for a few days but DH said to them that we (DH and I) are a family and we need Xmas to happen this way this year. I am so proud of him.  I think DH understands both his family dynamic and the impact on us but sometimes it's like he gets brainwashed or is still in the fog. I think this Xmas was a good start to laying down how we want to celebrate from now on but there is a lot that needs to continue happening for it to work in the long-term I think.