Recent spike in dreams about boundaries

[Stillirise]

During the worst of the drama of my relationship with stbxUPDh, I rarely remember dreaming. If I did remember, he was never in them, and they were typically about mundane things, or from my distant past.

I’m now 8 months into separation, and feel like the kids and I are enjoying much more peace and quality time at home.  I’ve also been doing a lot of self-work and reflection.  Over the last few weeks, I’ve started having dreams with a variation on the same theme.  The children and I are under some threat, sometimes known, often unseen.  I’m forced to make decisions and enforce boundaries for the  kids’ safety and protection.  Sometimes they are violent, often, just lots of stress involved in the situation. Occasionally, stbx is the threat, other times, not. 

These dreams are very vivid, and I can remember them in much more detail when I wake up, than any other dreams I’ve had for many years.

I just think it’s interesting that my subconscious mind also seems to be doing “boundary training” now.  Has anyone else experienced this during their self work? Any thoughts welcome!

Edited to add...after a few minutes more of reflection, there could be a more dysfunctional way of looking at this.  It could be that since there’s been such a reduction in chaos in my daily life, my mind is now acting it out in dreams, instead. I am still planning to focus on this being a positive thing, though!

[Andeza]

It's possible this is also your mind dealing with the abuse of the past. It may be playing out these scenarios to feel stronger, to feel more able to fight back and cope with dangerous situations. Additionally, there is a lot of general mess in the world right now and it's possible your mind is framing that into a threat of some sort. Since in the past it has associated threat with your stbxh, that may be why he's cropping up in your dreams at this juncture.

The subconscious mind works in interesting ways and sometimes draws conclusions or similarities we would never consciously make.

Additionally, I cannot dismiss out of hand the other possibility, but want to reframe it a pinch. I think you'll feel a little better about it if we look at it this way. You were in this abusive relationship for x amount of time. We know that anything the mind focuses on for long periods of time wears a proverbial rut in our thought patterns. It genuinely becomes easier to revert back to what we are used to. After dealing with the drama for so long, you're brain turns into the dog held over the bathtub that is trying to doggy paddle in midair. You're not in the water, but you're still trying to swim.

There's nothing wrong with that so long as you recognize it as a tendency, and seek to break in a new, healthier rut. It is far easier, after all, to alter an old habit than it is to break it entirely. In your case, I'm not sure what that will look like, but you're the one best equipped to figure it out.

[Starboard Song]

Oh yeah.

I have dreams that we are at a large event like a wedding or funeral. I am separated from my wife and son, and see MIL heading towards them for whatever confrontation she's hungry for. I start making my way over to intervene, and that is usually where stress lives: the inability to stop the fucking noise.

In other dreams the situation is more controlled, and I step into an argument between DW and in-laws with my usually professorial tone: "Not another word. This is what is going to happen....." That kind of thing. And in my dream I am so eloquent and powerful that everyone is quiet. MIL lowers her head. These dreams are less stressful, but I wake up feeling angry or scared or vigilant.

You are right: we are gaming out scenarios that we have lived or fear. My latter type of dream is a wish scenario: I admit it. I am weak. I want the debate. I am ready for it.

And you are ready for it, too. All of it.

[blunk]

I have not experienced this myself, but my first thought (as an admitted over-thinker) is that this may be the equivalent of thinking of all the things you should have said after an argument. Replaying past scenarios, but incorporating all that you have learned since.

[1footouttadefog]

I have read and heard about often where dreams become vivid and more frequent once a trauma/abuse victim is no longer in the midst of or is exoeriwmcing a reduction in overall stress and abuse.

Its like the mind knows its safe to process things once the person is no longer in flight or fight survival mode.

I would see this as a positive and welcome the healing that is surely part of this phase.

[Stillirise]

I have read and heard about often where dreams become vivid and more frequent once a trauma/abuse victim is no longer in the midst of or is exoeriwmcing a reduction in overall stress and abuse.

Its like the mind knows its safe to process things once the person is no longer in flight or fight survival mode.

I would see this as a positive and welcome the healing that is surely part of this phase.

Thanks for that, and for all your responses! The dreams have continued, but are starting to be less frequent.   I know parenting with a PD means the rollercoaster will go on in some capacity forever,  but I am definitely feeling better overall.  I'm going to take it for now, that my subconscious processing is part of that healing process.