Using Gratitude as cover for Pd Superiority Complex

[Stillirise]

This line of thinking started as I have been focusing on gratitude.  Between the suffering of the pandemic, and my separation from stbxUPDh, I have been feeling grateful in a deeper way than I have before.  My immediate family are all healthy for now, my children are safe and happy....

This made me reflect on why gratitude feels "different" now.  I recalled the times I had expressed gratitude during our marriage and the times I'd heard stbx do the same.  I realized stbx turned nearly every conversation on the subject into a humble-brag, or a self-congratulation about being better than, smarter than, or having more than someone else.  Of course this was cloaked in the phrase, "I'm so grateful...."  Now I understand why it never felt right to express gratitude in my marriage. 

I'm guessing this is pretty common in PD land, but since I just ran smack into this realization, I thought I'd share it here. 

[Free2Bme]

Stillrise,

I experienced this as well.  This is an insidious form of manipulation, it's shocking that they will weaponize ANYTHING.  My updxh used this on our children a lot, it has damaged them so much.

I too had walled off certain things because I didn't want to be like updxh, makes me feel sick to think about it.  Now, I feel angry that these things I made "off limits" were good things, and just another part of my life that I allowed him to steel from me & the children.  At the risk of sounding melodramatic, it's like pd's are compelled to adulterate every beautiful thing.  Now I keep a gratitude journal, it's just for my personal reflection.  Baby steps 

IMO, we have to rebuild so many things, and practice a lot of self-forgiveness as we sort through the mess. 

[Janeite V]

That's a wonderful sign that you are able to reclaim the practice of gratitude, especially during the process of seperating and through a pandemic! I hope it brings you even more strength.

I agree with you that even very beneficial and beautiful things can be weaponised and made into something toxic - sometimes unintentionally, but often quite cynically and intentionally in order to stroke the ego and/or put others down.

It's very pronounced in the mindfulness and new age communities. Often people are blamed for being poor, disabled, depressed, or simply for not knowing how to get out of a very difficult situation in their lives. Those listed are some of the very people who might benefit the most from a practice of gratitude (although I generally avoid recommending it to most people, because IMO it's like forgiveness - something that can't be pressured from the outside).

I think the reason is because people who look for these answers are often already in a vulnerable position, and might be willing to try anything, and abusers will therefore find a good source of supply.

[Stillirise]

Thank you both, so much, for validating my experience. I'm sorry, free2bme, that you've also experienced it.  My greatest fear in this process is how the children will be affected.

Stillrise,

  At the risk of sounding melodramatic, it's like pd's are compelled to adulterate every beautiful thing.

You are so right.  Love, empathy, gratitude, generosity, kindness...all twisted to fit the needs of the PD--at least the one I'm trying to divorce, anyway.  Until the FOG lifts, its hard to see the horror of just how pervasive the issue is.

That's a wonderful sign that you are able to reclaim the practice of gratitude, especially during the process of seperating and through a pandemic! I hope it brings you even more strength.

gratitude = strength.  Thank you!  I needed that today. The holidays are always quite triggering for the stbx, but even more-so this year.  Today, I have been dealing with him wanting to essentially blow-up the prearranged holiday custody and visitation schedule, then blame me for not cooperating.  Eye on the prize.  My gratitude around the peace and well-being of my children is the only thing holding me on the rails at the moment.

For a PD like my stbx to admit that he truly felt grateful for a situation, or toward another person, it would require showing a weakness on his part.  That's not going to happen. In his mind, all good things happen because he makes them happen--all on his own.  If you want a hilarious example of this, read this post about him "willing" himself to be taller.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86315.msg741585#msg741585

[Free2Bme]

" If you want a hilarious example of this, read this post about him "willing" himself to be taller."

That is both sad and humorous, sounds like a god complex or something. 

My updxh is extraordinarily tall, but he never claimed to have the same superpower your H has.   

[Janeite V]

Thank you both, so much, for validating my experience. I'm sorry, free2bme, that you've also experienced it.  My greatest fear in this process is how the children will be affected.

You are so right.  Love, empathy, gratitude, generosity, kindness...all twisted to fit the needs of the PD--at least the one I'm trying to divorce, anyway.  Until the FOG lifts, its hard to see the horror of just how pervasive the issue is.

gratitude = strength.  Thank you!  I needed that today. The holidays are always quite triggering for the stbx, but even more-so this year.  Today, I have been dealing with him wanting to essentially blow-up the prearranged holiday custody and visitation schedule, then blame me for not cooperating.  Eye on the prize.  My gratitude around the peace and well-being of my children is the only thing holding me on the rails at the moment.

For a PD like my stbx to admit that he truly felt grateful for a situation, or toward another person, it would require showing a weakness on his part.  That's not going to happen. In his mind, all good things happen because he makes them happen--all on his own.  If you want a hilarious example of this, read this post about him "willing" himself to be taller.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86315.msg741585#msg741585

I am really glad you're not letting the gaslighting get to you and you see the blow-up and then turning it on you exactly for what it is. Though it's still extremely frustrating, being ready for it like you are helps you and your family get through it as peacefully as possible. I think I need to copy your approach myself, because ours is playing from the same handbook, like every other year 

That's a very bizarre example of magical thinking in your link. I find it interesting that often these extreme examples of magical thinking are based on physical appearance. In the subliminal community, for example, I see so many focusing on things like height, eye colour or weight, but very few people focusing on things like the strength to protect  and bring peace to their family as you are. I am glad you are keeping your focus on what is the most important to you rather than letting the PD or anyone else dictate it!

In light of Occam's razor, sometimes these corrupted "spiritual" practices seem very egocentric, all while couched in very santimonious language. The illusion of omnipotence (at least when it suits them) can cause people to be very cruel, and lazy intellectually and emotionally. And they seem to be stuck on a treadmill rather than truly being grateful. Often people who are struggling the most are also the most grateful for the things they do have, while those who have a lot are not satisfied until they have the next thing on their endless list.