Ashamed of spending money for nice things

[Call Me Cordelia]

So I grew up with our family finances always stretched, living paycheck to paycheck, never enough money for what I wanted or needed but uNF could blow it on stupid stuff whenever he wanted. UenNM was primarily a housewife but worked various minimum wage jobs to "make ends meet" aka feed uNF's eating out habit. UNF was a professional making above average money; the financial withholding was a source of control and supply for him.  As a child I went to a private school and I was always told we "couldn't afford" anything the other kids had, and that those kids were just spoiled rotten didn't have a clue. But we were "too poor" and I was labeled as the "poor kid" because my parents wouldn't buy me a yo-yo.

Fast forward to now, I'm a housewife by choice, and my husband makes more than uNF, but we also make better choices than they did and live more or less frugally. We've never experienced the anxiety over money in our marriage that was a daily topic of conversation and drama in my FOO. When I was in contact with my uNparents, it was a source of tension that DH and I were so "rich" and that I "didn't work," but it was dealt with very passive-aggressively. I was raised to believe that being financially comfortable was something to be ashamed of, that anyone who didn't have to struggle was inherently "out of touch with reality." (Super ironic coming from an actual psychopath.)

My uPD in-laws are the opposite. Well-off, regularly travel internationally, uNPDMIL could accurately be described as a socialite, although she has a job. They put hundreds of thousands of dollars into remodeling their home.

So... we had a major leak in our house. We have to gut a bathroom and it would be wise to do the kitchen (we bought a fixer-upper). Our hands are forced, and we were going to do it anyway sooner or later. So we could do a really nice job of it, and make the kitchen gorgeous. The thing that's sticking in my mind is to get a high-quality range. It would get good use here. I make three meals a day for seven people and I do enjoy cooking for other families as well. I am in my kitchen for hours a day. All I can think about is that we would be too conspicuous, so pretentious, we should just have a normal person kitchen, I'm doing just fine with my Frigidaire. I'd be embarrassed to have people over if my house was too nice! It's a status thing and I don't want to be one of "those people." It would be a splurge but it would be doable and if I'm being objective I would enjoy making a beautiful kitchen very much... if I could get over this weirdness. I'm actually scared people will think less of me if I have an expensive-looking kitchen. I feel the same about buying myself new clothing vs. thrifting it, although interestingly buying secondhand anything is beneath my FOO. Even posting on here about it I feel very silly. My imposter syndrome is kicking in big time. Does anybody else relate?  DH certainly doesn't lol.

[Poison Ivy]

I can relate to the difficulty of spending money on myself, but I truly believe that no one (no one who matters) will think less of you if you spend enough money to get a nice-looking kitchen. Go for it!

[Andeza]

You have unfortunately seen major financial misbehavior in your childhood and beyond, CMC. I did too growing up. In our case, recovering enDad made good money, but the vast majority of it was sunk into buying more and more medications, and seeing more and more doctors for uBPDm. If I wanted something they always said "We'll see." Which meant no, but for some reason they wouldn't actually say no. I think it made them feel better, but merely pissed me off. So M's (extremely probable) factitious disorder consumed almost all of our "disposable" income. Yeah... I might still be angry about that pretty blue velvet Christmas dress I saw at Walmart when I was about 8. "We'll see" Ha!

But anyway. Now, we are similarly a single income family and I stay home with DS. We live very frugally, have a written budget that we follow, and have goals for our money. Now this budget does allow for nice things here and there. There's room to grab takeout once or twice a month, room to have access to streaming services, and room for finishing the basement. Admittedly, I've gotten all the high dollar items for the basement secondhand (but they are in excellent shape!). My personal belief is that the budget is not a way to deny ourselves nice things, but rather a tool to achieve the nice things with planning and thought. All this frugal living is a means to an end. That being buying and moving onto property in a different state, and from there reducing our cost of living significantly through wise stewardship of our little green space.

All that to say, if the funds are available and your budget allows, plan for the nicer kitchen. Quality of life improvements in spaces that we spend vast amounts of time in are excellent things. They lower our stress levels and improve productivity. My only real advice is don't do them both at the same dang time or you will lose your mind. One room ripped out and finished, then the next. That and hire someone who is insured and licensed to do all the work. DH is in exactly that industry, so we've heard some horror stories and had to clean up some real messes after sloppy contractors.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you. You both get it!

Andeza, I would agree with your financial philosophy. I often find it helpful to go back to my principles, and ask myself if this particular decision would be in line with those. And I definitely agree on one room at a time! The bathroom is a more immediate need. The kitchen is definitely in early planning stages.

[notrightinthehead]

Go for a good quality kitchen! I did and it still gives me joy 2 years later. Take your time and find someone who listens to your wishes. Kitchen is a long term investment and it pays to invest in superior quality. If you need to justify the expense to yourself, tell yourself it increases the value of your property. I have never thought badly of anyone who had a beautiful kitchen. Only inspired.

[blunk]

My thought was the same as notrightinthehead...a kitchen remodel has the biggest return on investment of any home improvement project. So, if it helps to think of it that way, you are adding to the value of your home. And you will make great use of the space. Yes, it would be a waste to put in high-end fixtures if you didn't cook, but since you do (and it sounds like you really enjoy it) those fixtures will help to increase both the efficiency and enjoyment of the space.

I have to say that my home is the one place I do not feel guilty spending money. I do, however, find it difficult to buy things for myself. And I have not been able to figure out why. I grew up with everything I needed, and most things that I wanted (within reason). We were middle class, mom worked part time after we were old enough to be in school full days, we got take out once a month or so, and went out to eat for special occasions. I remember once as a young teen asking for a pair of designer jeans, it was the only time I can remember my parents lecturing me about money. Turns out, I didn't even know what designer jeans were, I wanted a pair from walmart with fringe, colors, and designs on them. LOL

I think it more likely comes from living with bpdxh, who would spend money on frivolous things without considering if he really needed (or wanted) them. He invested in so many interests and hobbies, only to lose interest after a month. It drove me crazy. And early on, I found myself feeling jealous, he would repeatedly tell me that I had not found "my passion" the way he had.  The truth is that I was taught the value of money, and rather than just go out and fund a new hobby on a whim I would take the time to consider all of the needs for said hobby, read up on it, and then decide if it would be sustainable. I think that makes me a reasonable adult. And I certainly have more disposable income now that xh is out of my life.

But, even now, I cannot for the life of me spend $50 for a pair of jeans. I will, however, spend hours in a thrift shop to find a pair that still has the tags on it for $12. And, yes, I will brag about the deal I got too!

[Free2Bme]

CMC,

I can relate to what you're saying in a couple of ways. 
Growing up we were comfortably middle class until my step father (alcoholic abuser) was killed in a car wreck when I was 14/15yo.  I was only child, mom had to reinvent herself (with only a GED) and go to work while dealing with battered wife syndrome.  As a result, our socioeconomic status changed dramatically for the remainder of my high school years.  I didn't go without basic provision, but things were tight.  So financial security became very important to me.

My updxh was from blue collar family, but had his masters and was fast tracking the corporate world when we met.  I quit working when the kids were born and became a professional homemaker  , no regrets.   We budgeted, bought a fixer-upper, and spent 15 years remodeling (did a lot of it ourselves) while I was homeschooling kido's . 

The kitchen is the hub of the home, when we did our kitchen we created a very large space where children could be involved and folks could gather.  Although we didn't do high-end appliances, the end result was wonderful.  Even when your children grow up you will continue to enjoy making memories in this part of your home.  As a matter of fact, yesterday I had 3:4 of my kido's (22,18,15) in my kitchen helping me put together a meal, good times!  It is an investment in your home and in your family bonding/memories.  I say you and DH decide what you want and let your budget dictate. 

I felt uncomfortable when two particular families came to visit.  They both had LARGE families and very small budgets.  Although not articulated, I imagine they resented me because my H earned a lot while they struggled on extremely tight budgets, and I only had 4 to look after and not 6-7 kids.  They never made any comments about the house one way or another, but I suspect the disparity bothered them.  Real friends rejoice in your success and happiness, even if you have more material wealth.

The most important thing is that you and DH are on the same page, living within means, and of course getting the features/improvements that you want.  This sounds like a good investment and as you said, you will use this space to bless your family and others.

*Remember, there is no such thing as too much storage space, and for heavens sake opt for the 'soft close' cabinet doors/drawers!

[Amadahy]

CMC,
Same here!  Literally, redoing our kitchen that has not been redone in 30 years that has water damage to the floor and outer wall.  I, too, cook lots and had a heck of a time justifying this "extravagance."  Really, the first day we went to the home improvement store, I almost melted down and got a bare-bones estimate on a setup that I really didn't like.  After lots of self-talk and self-soothing, the next day I was more ready to dream a bit.  But, wow!  What should be source of joy and anticipation sure is a lot of inner work.  LOL.  We start Saturday pulling out the cabinets and the floor, appliances the next week, and new cabinets soon after.  I'm aware, too, that I may have to revisit my feelings of shame as the project goes on, but my logical brain knows this is a wise and good investment and I'm going to try to remember that.  We're able to afford it because of a thoughtful gift from my father-in-law's estate and I'm going to try to think of how pleased he'd be to have contributed.  I hope you can really enjoy your new kitchen, too!! 

[1footouttadefog]

Your kitchen seems to be the heart of your home and life style.  Its where you work.

A surgeon needs quality tools. A mechanic or plumber the same.  My brother had a snapon tool box worth over 10k when he bought decades ago.  The drawers, even the large ones floated out with the lightest tug despite having some times hudreds of pounds of steel in them. 

Your kitchen is also something the other 7 people benefit from and your spouse will likely have great pride as a provider if others comment.  It also adds value to your home should you need to sell and relocate. 

All the meals prepared there are a savings over eating out and the healthier diet and potential for eating more sustainably can all center around that kitchen. 

It would only be silly or wastful if you fill it with frozen entres, lol.

[blacksheep7]

Wow CMC,

I can relate!  It's as if we never deserved anything nice, more than we had growing up.  I feel the same too.  My Dh gave me a couple of hundred$ for xmas and I'm all exicted to have that amount to spend on whatever I want.

Go with the big kitchen if you want it! To h...with whatever anyone thinks.

It's yours, you're in it all day for hours!   You deserve it.