Now that we're NC she started a savings accound for the kids

[Fortuna]

My family went NC with my mom about a year ago, just after the new year. Since then I've dealt with her trying to send checks/cards to the kids, and a bakery delivered to the door. Just got statements in the mail with savings accounts with a couple hundred in it for my kids with her as their not-sure-what-to-call-it executor? Sure as hell ain't guardian.

I'm at a loss for even how to feel about this. My mom was always a complete tightwad when it came to other people. She spends on herself or on others after she thinks shes "won". Before this she has never contributed a cent to their savings of education out side of a few bucks at the holidays or birthdays, like she usually needed to break a twenty. At least I didn't have to dump a whole lot of parcels in the bin or have the kids find a box delivered to them. But now these damn statements are going to be delivered every so often reminding me she's still out there, biding her time to when the kids turn 18. And now the kids will have to make some decisions about the money being offered at a later date, you know right as they become broke college students.

The paranoid part of me is viewing this as planned financial manipulation. She never gave me enough money for me to ever feel manipulated when I was younger so I don't know if this is part of the plan or not. The money won't make me change MY mind, but the accumulated couple of hundred every holiday/birthday might seem like fortune to an 18 year old out on their own for the first time. So now it's one more thing I'll have to teach them, but I have no idea how to approach this one. Mom always pleads poverty and I always expected to get a big fat goose egg after she passes, so her using money like this is new to me. Any thoughts?

[Associate of Daniel]

I wonder, of you don't respond/acknowledge etc, would she just stop depositing money into the accounts?

I have a picture in my mind of you opening only the final statements when each of the children turn 18, to find only a few $ in each account.

Is there a legal obligation to tell rhe children about the accounts before they are 18?

AOD

[Mintstripes]

I'm sorry, this is so upsetting.

I heard through the grapevine a few years ago that FOO were going to take me out of the will. I have been NC almost 5 years now. I wondered if they'd leave anything to my LO (you know, their precious grandchild who their evil daughter won't let them see...). They don't have my address though, so I'm hoping they just leave everything to my GC, flying monkey narc sibling.

As AOD mentioned, maybe she will let up if she gets no response? Sigh. It would bother me too, immensely. But, a lot can happen before the kids turn 18.

[Fortuna]

It's possible this was a one time, can I make them respond kind of gesture. I'm more worried about the long term 'your mom wouldn't let me see you so I saved every penny I would have spent on gifts' thing. I'm not planning on telling the kids anytime soon, but I do have to assume that on their 18th birthday my mom could be able to get a hold of them and I would much rather make sure I am the one to tell them about this. I'm worried that when they find out they will feel the obligation that often comes with gifts especially largish sums of money. I don't want them to mistake my mom's hoovering/lovebombing as actual acts of love. Not something I have to deal with right now, but it's one more thing than I wanted to deal with.

[Danden]

One thing you can do is set up an account for your kids yourself, and get their buy-in, for example try to induce them toward saving their money and putting it in that account.  This way they think of it as "their" money.  Then when they turn 18 you can put the money from your mom's account into "their" account.  This way it looks like the money is coming from you/your children and not her.

I did something similar in a similar situation, although it was not the same situation.  After years of NC, my mother wanted to give my kids treasury savings bonds she had in their name from when they were born.  At this time they were 21 and 16 yo.  This bothered me.  At the time, I was investing some money in a rental property, so I suggested to my kids they could invest in this property with me and I would match their investment 100% with shares in the property. So if they contribute $1000, I would give them $1000 worth in shares.  Then they would get a portion of the income every year.  Instead of saving money in a bank account, which gets little interest, they can continue to invest money a little at a time, once they start working.  They liked this idea.

You can do the same thing by starting an investment account of some type, be it real estate, a mutual fund, or stock index fund.  So it is doable with any sum you may have.  The important thing is the perception of where the money comes from.  Years from now, they will not remember that some of the money came from grandma.

[Fortuna]

One thing you can do is set up an account for your kids yourself, and get their buy-in, for example try to induce them toward saving their money and putting it in that account.  This way they think of it as "their" money.  Then when they turn 18 you can put the money from your mom's account into "their" account.  This way it looks like the money is coming from you/your children and not her.

I did something similar in a similar situation, although it was not the same situation.  After years of NC, my mother wanted to give my kids treasury savings bonds she had in their name from when they were born.  At this time they were 21 and 16 yo.  This bothered me.  At the time, I was investing some money in a rental property, so I suggested to my kids they could invest in this property with me and I would match their investment 100% with shares in the property. So if they contribute $1000, I would give them $1000 worth in shares.  Then they would get a portion of the income every year.  Instead of saving money in a bank account, which gets little interest, they can continue to invest money a little at a time, once they start working.  They liked this idea.

You can do the same thing by starting an investment account of some type, be it real estate, a mutual fund, or stock index fund.  So it is doable with any sum you may have.  The important thing is the perception of where the money comes from.  Years from now, they will not remember that some of the money came from grandma.

Danden, thanks for the suggestion. I do plan once the health crisis is over to re-set up their savings accounts and encourage the other set of grandparents to give some cash they can put in for saving. Hopefully that way when they find what my mother saved for them it won't seem like so much after they contribute summer jobs and gifts to their own account.

[Maxtrem]

Your mom may not really have a long-term plan. Maybe it's just to say she's so nice to think about her grandchildren, she's a victim of your ingratitude, etc. And I'd be surprised if she's putting a huge amount of money into it that will change your children's lives. I think she has simply found an inexpensive way to maintain the FOG.