NPD Parents: Violating Boundaries . . . but calling it love

[poetandpunk]

Does anyone else have experience with this?

PD/NPD parents that talk about how much they 'really love you' and 'really care' ...

Yet they violate basic boundaries of the parent-child relationship, not just during childhood, but through adulthood too.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I know PD parents and siblings are all very difficult, some are cold, detached, indifferent.

Mine are abusive on the other side of the spectrum: enmeshed, controlling, overly involved. But their involvement is not in a truly caring way; it comes with a price and strings attached. Woe to the one that doesn't respond the way they want or asserts a boundary.

Here are some examples of what I mean . . .

As a child, my parents wanted us to spend most of our time with our family. They said it was because they truly loved us more than others. We had friends, but we were discouraged from spending too much time with friends on the weekends or getting close to other people's families. That was always a threat. We were expected to sit with our parents at church even when we were too old to do that. My parents violated my boundaries as a child by reading journals/diaries, listening in on phone calls, not allowing me to go through normal development stages of dating and school dances and romance, but instead being extremely strict and actually cruel to boys that showed any interest in me. They said this was because they cared and loved me. We were punished severely for minor things, as I look back on it, like getting a C in a class meant my sister had to stop playing high school softball for an entire season. My parents actively and with subtly tried to keep us close by and within their reach, even on the weekends when I was a teenager and wanted to have a normal teenage life.

Fast forward to college, wow. My parents would continue to discourage my dating relationships, saying they didn't like every guy I showed interest in, even if he was perfectly nice and decent. They would read my emails and listen on phoen conversations. They forbid me for seeing someone and then took my car away one weekend when they found out I saw him - when I was 20 years old! They also made me graduate early from college because they didn't like another guy I was dating, and forced me to give them details of our physical relationship by calling and calling and calling until I finally shared what they wanted to know. i was 21 at the time. They came to my apartment and packed up all my things and forced me to come back home with them, at 21. And all of this they said they did because they loved me. I believed them at the time because I was 21 and I didn't know any differently.

By my late 20s and early 30s I knew something was dead wrong.

Now that I am a parent I am completely aware that my parents' behaviour was totally violating and twisted. And not love at all.

Anyone else relate to this?

[Andeza]

Something similar for me, but way less intrusive. Partly that could be due to my nature. My uBPDm tried the shenanigans, that's for sure. Friends were discouraged, but as for dating I held off on that purposely until I went to college. Then, when I said I met a nice guy and we were hanging out, my M had the audacity to say something along the lines of "Well, we haven't really discussed how to let you go about dating..." I cut in "Too late now, Mom, I'm 18. You lost your chance to have a say." I'm now married to that guy, by the way. Awesome guy. The fallout to that statement? There wasn't any. It was the first time I stood up and shut her down and she had no idea what to do. She thought I was her good little girl and would do whatever she said if I sensed even a hint of her disappointment. But, my full metal waif mother never did know how to handle confrontation. So it's a bit different from your experience.

Now, why do they do this? Remember, they live in their own version of reality. It is twisted, and dark, and in it everything is out to destroy them. And we, their children, are merely extensions of themselves and therefore the world is full of evil trying to destroy us. Because they cannot draw a line between them and us. Nor can they accept when we make choices contrary to them, because this threatens the illusion that we are nothing more than their "mini me." To the person with a PD, the illusion is paramount.

Imagine if you or I learned a truth that broke our reality. Might we fight back? Might we rage in denial against the destruction of all our beliefs and basis for reality? So too do the pwPDs. Unfortunately, the reality they rage against or attempt to protect themselves from, is really just the truth. So it is love... but of themselves. It was never extended to us in the way that it ought to be, from a loving parent nurturing their child, guiding them to grow, and then finally releasing them into adulthood to carry on their own path.

[Cassandra T]

My experience was similar but not exactly the same. I had friends and dated, but felt like I was being held back in development. When they found out I was engaged at 19, they had a meeting with me and my boyfriend and tried to talk us out of it. My dad (who was not even the narcissist) actually said "what about US? We feel useless now." Did they actually think I was going to break off my engagement because they couldn't deal with me no longer being a child? What did they expect me to do, crawl back up in the womb? My mother told my boyfriend to shut-up. It was extremely unpleasant, but eye-opening. We have now been happily married for over 30 years, and she still seems to have something against him.

[Hepatica]

Dear poetandpunk,

I can relate to what you're writing about because my father and sister did sinisterly similar things. My sister was quite a bit older than me, so when I began to not follow her around like a happy toddler and individuate she became really unhappy with her rock star status and very very critical of my friends. They were a threat to her power over me. She mocked them to me and tried really hard to compete to get me back in her reign of control. Even though I was younger I could see what she was doing and it felt weird and wrong. When she had her own daughter, she made sure to pressure her daughter not to trust other girls. She had far more control over her daughter than she did me and her manipulation of my niece's opinions of women became really nasty. My sister got what she wanted. No competition.

My father, while seeming fairly distant, went into my personal writings, journals and letters, read them, commented on them and gave them back to me AFTER they had been stored in a leather bag with a lock on it. He must have cut it open. I think that action ranks as equal to how I felt when he hit me. I absolutely hated him after that and felt sick and still feel sick that he did that. The writings were so embarrassing. I would never shared them with anyone. It was such an intrusion of privacy and a break of my trust that I find it unforgivable. I certainly will never trust him because of it.

I think these behaviours must be a symptom of some over all belief system that they feel it is ok to control their family. My father was raised in a very religious home and while he did not continue that later on, he still carried over this belief that authoritarianism is perfectly fine.

But it destroyed my trust in him. It doesn't work and I would never do this with my child. Of course I want to know how my child feels but I would hope that he shares it with me because he knows he feels safe talking to me and so it comes naturally. I would never try to steal his private thoughts from him. I only feel a great sense of I did something right, when he shares his personal feelings with me. Sharing is not an option for me with my father or sister. They would only jump in and try to manipulate me or gaslight me. They cannot understand that people have their own thoughts and opinions. It is an entitlement thing that they frame as "knowing what's best for someone."

What was best for me was my girlfriends and the folks I lived with when I moved out. They showed me more empathy, joy and compassion than my family did in the eighteen years I lived with them.

[Sidney37]

Yes.  My parents and my relatives insisted for years that my mom's violation of my boundaries and extreme control was all because she loved me.  The fact that she wouldn't let me go on school field trips unless she was a chaperone was because she loved me.  When I would try to reach out to relatives as a pre-teen or teen about her demands, control, manipulation, etc. all I would hear is how she loves me so much because she buys me trendy clothes (so it would reflect on her) and attended every single school event I had (again, a reflection on her).  Every complaint I had was met with how much she loved me and she wouldn't do these things if she didn't.  I was so lucky to have a mother who loved me "so much".

I was told it was because of love that she read my letters from my penpal and read my journals.  She was just keeping me safe.  It's the reason she didn't want me to go to college anywhere that was a long distance call, so I could call her twice a day, every day.  Initially she wanted me to go to the local school and live at home, which I did for a while until she insisted on knowing when every assignment was due and every test was scheduled.  She stood outside of my bedroom door and questioned me every 30 minutes demanding to know how many pages I had read or typed since she last checked on me.  She reminded me that this was because she loved me.  Parents who didn't do these things didn't care about their kids.  When I moved into the dorm (at my own expense to get away) she insisted that I call her twice every day at a specific time because she loved me so much and needed to know that I was safe.  She insisted that all of my female friends were out to get me and that she was the only one I could trust.  But if the boyfriends were from wealthy families, she encouraged the relationship.  Having me date the sons of doctors made her look good.  After college, I wasn't "allowed" to move out.  I had to live at home or there would be a consequence. And yes, there would have been one.   I wasn't allowed to vacation with friends, spend the night at friend's houses, stay out past 1 AM.  I was 25. It was all because they loved me and were keeping me safe.  Eventually I went to grad school at a program she thought was prestigious in order to move many hours away.  I hated the program and didn't finish, but I did it to get out of the house and to live on my own.

Just a few years ago when I was in my 40's, my parents wanted me to allow them to track my phone with the GPS app.  I live 10 hours away.  I'm married and have children.  I questioned it.  By then I was headed Out of the FOG and was stunned they would even suggest it.  It was all because they loved me. They needed to know where I was at all times because they loved me so much.  Yeah right.   I pretended that the app wouldn't work on my phone. 

I'm now NC and people just can't understand how I could go NC with people who "love me so much". 

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry that you are going through this.

I wish that I knew what you do at your age. It was when I was 50 that I realized that my parents were covertly out to keep me enslaved and as a prisoner to their control. Once their masks came off, I separated and began compete, legally enforced no-contact.

Everything in my life got better and by stopping the damage I was actually able to begin healing, as well as become a peaceful happy person.

For me personally, if in a similar situation as you are, I’d escape before I lost a couple of decades of my life.

[Hilltop]

My parents are more ignoring however they still cross boundaries such as she has taken photo's from my phone and forwarded them on to other people without my knowledge. She then asked me if it was alright, which I pointed out she has already done it so why is she asking me, she couldn't answer me.

My MIL is the enmeshed one with DH and she does not know the meaning of boundaries.  She bathed him until he was 12-13 years of age and he had to tell her to stop.  She went to his doctor and asked for his blood test results because she was concerned.  She wanted to be involved with buying appliances such as washing machines etc for our house.  She snoops in our house so we have to lock everything up.  She told me that I should go to her with my marital problems and then she will talk to DH about it as she can talk to him better than I can.  That's to name a few.

I have little to do with my MIL however DH is still highly enmeshed.  It's extremely unhealthy although with age DH has been able to put more boundaries in place.  Most often MIL cries when DH tries to assert himself and the guilt literally makes him feel sick in his stomach as he once told me.  He won't be free until she dies although DH thinks of it differently, he cannot see it and says they are close.  He can't speak up or be honest with her but he can't see that, they have this weird dynamic where she hints at things and he picks up on it and acts on it although there is not an honest dialogue between them.  If she is upset with him she won't say it she will just act sad or be a little cold and show him her displeasure.

His brother cut off contact many years ago.

[Grace4]

I can totally relate! I even had my mother ask me at 27 if I was sleeping in the same bed as my fiancé (at the time) when I'd fly to visit him and I told her very nicely that it was none of her business and she lost her shit on me. She got angry started crying, stormed out of the room to cry to my dad about it. Then she told me she asked me out of love bc she was worried about my reputation like this is the 1800's or something. I always felt stunted  socially for most of my life. We were so enmeshed it makes me so sick to think about. My sister is still very enmeshed with them in her mid 30's, she's still on their phone bill  but pays them with essential oils. haha! I have to laugh because it's  just so insane.  You are not alone!