Hey- new to the forum, and new to recovery.

[dani-desolate]

Hi, I go by Dani, i'm 23/f and bisexual and have had a few relationships that i'm now realizing to be... damaging to my mental health, with both parents and romantic partners. I'm here to try to process all that's happened. i'll try not to write a whole novel, but i'll touch on a few key points for background, i hope that's alright.

my boyfriend out of high school was mostly just manipulative (not physically abusive), he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and often paranoid about what i was doing when he wasnt watching. he kept me fairly isolated, he encouraged me to end a lot of friendships and discouraged me from forging new ones (he was deeply suspicious of me cheating on him, and since im bi he didnt like me seeing either male or female friends). as a result, a lot of the things that happened during that relationship I never really spoke about, and i'm worried the memories will (or already have) fade and it'll be harder for me to start coping so long after the fact. often when we had arguments he'd afterwards lie about what was said, or what happened. if I didnt respond to his texts he'd drive past where i worked or lived to see where i was- at one point he made me give him all my passwords so he could see who i talked to, and would delete messages from people he didnt like before i saw them. I wont go into detail about our sex life but he, predictably, was very dominant and controlling in that way too- which i was fine with and even enjoyed sometimes, but he wasnt willing to bend when i wasnt fine with it.

i'm not currently in a relationship, but the last one i was in was unpleasant (to a lesser degree than my previously abusive partner). i feel like i've adopted some poor coping mechanisms/habits- during even small arguments ('discussions', really) i'll start crying uncontrollably, like some kind of panic response. im distant and emotionally closed-off, im afraid to voice my feelings, especially if theyre a criticism of my partner, or about sex (like a complaint or desire to try something new). i feel like i often abandon my own hobbies to pick up theirs, and i'll neglect my friends (what few remain) and family to spend all my time and attention on my partner.

I've had a complicated relationship with all my parents. I have ADHD (formal diagnosis incoming, i have an appointment set) and have been depressed/anxious since my early teens, and i guess that made me something of a problem child. my mom left the picture fairly early on (i have little contact with her) and my dad remarried to my stepmom, who treated us poorly when i was young- my dad was fairly distant and i don't have a lot of memories of him beyond disciplinary situations. my dad and stepmom have both been to therapy in the recent years and are, by all accounts, doing much better with their current kids. i dont think its ultimately their fault that they didnt know how to deal with me when i was a kid, but the longer lasting effects of only really interacting with them when they were punishing me (never physically, but it lead to an overall isolating childhood, and i never felt like i had an adult that i could trust) are kinda what lead to me being so.. tolerant of/vulnerable to an abusive relationship, i think. they had issues with trusting their kids/ letting us have boundaries, and i feel like thats made it difficult for me to set any as an adult.

at the point i'm at right now, i'm still learning all the terms for my (and my ex's) behaviors. i wasnt really sure where to begin, so this forum is kinda my starting point. i mostly intend to read through forum threads rather than contribute, as i dont feel like i have much worth saying at the moment. feel free to share some resources below, and i apologize if this was too... wordy.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to the community. I am thankful you have reached out for support. How smart to see a pattern of choosing partners who have some similarities and that those traits are not healthy for you.

Sorting through our family of origin impact and then our choices in other intimate relationships takes time and for me, took the support of this community, the resources - books and other online resources which I will link to below - a trusted stable and loving older adult as a mentor, a therapist, and an in real life small support group. To unpack all of that alone - well, I have no idea how I would've ever done that.

For me, the realizations and reflections about my life experiences came slowly and with an openness to learn and grow and direct my energy to healing and learning to trust myself, recognize red flags in relationships and respond with self preservation, to set and hold healthy boundaries which created space around myself to learn who I truly am and what does and does not work in relationship with me, and to in time stabilize and begin to flourish.

Progress, not perfection is something you will hear across the boards and learning to be gentle with yourself as you go forward is so important. Keep coming back and when you are ready, do join the conversations even if it is just a bit at a time. Those insights and these conversations have been incredibly validating and empowering in my own restoration and I believe they can be for you as well.

Often, we heal in relationship with others. With the big difference being relationship with kind and reliable people and respectful, loving interactions with others versus dominating, invalidating, gaslighting, controlling and/or dismissive and rejecting treatment by those who profess to love us.

A few jumping in places are the drop down menus above - the toolbox, but another important read through is the Personality Disorders info above. Becoming familiar with the traits that are disordered has helped me recognize and avoid a whole lot of new pain.

Book recommendations galore: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0

Other Media resources: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

And I have read through the glossary because it is just a great big collection of information it is really good to be armed with: https://outofthefog.website/glossary/

Board for issues with your parents: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0

Board for issues related to ending a relationship or past relationship: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

Board for issues related to working on ourselves: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=12.0

Strength and much good wisdom to you as you begin your journey Out of the FOG!