Feeling stuck

[SD92101]

Hello, I'm new to this group and could really use some direction. My ex got served 06/01/20 but due to Covid all court cases are 2-4 months backed up. I know that it's a psychological thing but I feel "stuck" for several reasons and not being legally divorced is one of them. I'm in my mid 40's and didn't know what NPD or any of the mental disorders were until now. I dated a malignant narcissist for 4 years before I married him. Our marriage lasted 8 months. Before we married, we broke up for 4 months and he started dating a married marriage and child therapist. She ended the relationship and within days he reached out to me. At the time, I didn't know that they dated then he later lied about the time frame. I just discovered that he is seeing her again (she's divorced now). All those times that he accused me of being crazy and severely insecure when I doubted his feelings towards her were absolutely true. I had my first therapy session with a new therapist and after asking me a lot of questions she told me that he was a malignant narcissist. I know whatever he does is none of my business but it's the gaslighting about her all along that has caused me to feel as if I'm stuck. The new therapist suggested EMDR and we will be starting that at our next session. Has anyone tried EMDR? I'm very curious about it and am glad that there is something out there like this. I have really dove in to look within and do the work and this is yet another tool. I'm starting to realize that surviving narcissistic abuse and recovery are real things. This has been torture to endure especially knowing that none of this is affecting him (or her) at all. Everyone keeps telling me that he's not a peace or happy but how would a narcissist know what they're missing if they've never experienced it? It saddens me that so many people have experienced this type of horrendous abuse. If anyone has any experience with EMDR please reach out. From what my therapist shared it's quite effective. I want to heal once and for all and never expose myself to such wounded people or situations ever again.

[1footouttadefog]

There is a related concept called nueral linguistic programming that you may have heard of.

With NLP a related idea is that people will typically look in a certain direction when accessing memories from the past and another when thinking of future, or things that might happen etc.

There are also differences in where the eyes look when peoole are constructing ideas as opposed to relaying information and so forth.


With EMDR an over-simplification is that by accessing memories while altering the movement of the eyes from they way they were when the memories were placed in memory one can change they way the memory is written and what other things or the intensity of the things that are associated with it.

I have watched videos and it seems they have you go to a memory in different contexts while having you follow an object or pattern with your eyes. 

I knew a therapists who got involved with this when it first became popular.  He was excited about the potential and said it would even be possible for some people to use it to process trauma without relating the memories verbally to the therapist.

There has been some success with helping veterans reduce the trauma related to some memories with this.

And if you have doubts that the eyes are involved read about how the use looking in a mirror during treatment/therapy can help amputees with reducing phantom pains. 

We are truely mysteriously created.

[SD92101]

Thank you for the detailed explanation of EMDR. I'm hopeful that this will be successful!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, SD.  There's a wealth of information on this site you may want to check out while you're here, the toolbox, etc..  I've learned a lot in the months I've been here.

It was a long time ago I did EMDR, but I found it VERY effective.  It seemed kind of strange, or like it wasn't working, in the beginning.  But after sticking  with it a bit I found it so much more powerful than talk therapy for resolving old trauma.  Unfortunately, the insurance I had to cover it ended.  But I'm working with a trauma therapist using other methods and I see progress.

Good luck!  Let us know how you're doing.

[Rose1]

My d has had very good results with emdr.  The practitioner was also a trainer and I think pays to get as skilled a person you can.
He told me in simple terms the idea is not to remove the memory but to lessen the fight or flight responses and integrate the memories into the person so the extreme responses no longer occur