Leaving a long time abusive sibling relationship?

[BlueCheesePlease]

I've been in  an abusive relationship with my sister (40 yrs old) I'm 32yrs old. We both suffer from anxiety, PTSD. I also have depression, she has OCD/Tourettes.

Different dads, same mom. When I was born, my parents sent my sister to live with my grandparents where she was abused - my mother was abused by the same people... so why she sent my sister there I don't know.

I grew up with my parents but in a very very toxic environment I'm just starting to heal from.

my sister always held this over my head - that I had it easier because I wasn't abused the same way she was.

My sister has been NC with my parents for a few years now, and vice versa. I have been the only connection between my sister and the family. But through this, I have lent her $3,500+ (in the past 8 months ALONE, waiting to be paid back), she has lived with my husband and I for 3-4 months this past year. Basically no boundaries in place, EVER (my fault though for not setting them but I literally never even knew about boundaries until a couple years ago - I have felt obligated my entire life to dedicate all of my time and energy to her because of what happened to her and that it didn't happen to me - so much so my husband and I were so close to divorce. I was constantly running to her rescue and putting out fires. I'm literally scared of my sister and saying no to her or ever standing up for myself.

1 week ago today my sister and I had the biggest blow up yet and I think I'm finally DONE. To keep this short, I'll summarize that I came home from Christmas at my parents house for 3 nights (after spending 3 nights with her separately ahead of Christmas). She told me I need to "choose" between her and my parents (we have had counseling together and our counselor NEVER said I needed to "choose") She yelled in my face, threw something (although small) down the stairwell at me, yelled in front of my home calling me names and yelling up and down the street that I cheated on my husband/that she was abused/that I wasn't, etc, told me she wished I were dead, told me she would never pay me back the money I've lent, called me an abuser/a "pedophile enabler" for seeing my parents, told me and my husband she would "destroy" our lives, contacted the animal shelter where I volunteer and told them I am an alcoholic and animal abuser and tried to get me fired from there, contacted my husbands family and tried to get his mother fired from her nursing job as an ER nurse (because she hosted my parents for Christmas dinner, also making her a pedophile enabler), etc etc etc and this is NOT the first time most of this has happened. The only thing that was new was her throwing something at me, and actually yelling at me in person (usually its always over the internet)

I have received countless hateful texts, emails, and facebook messages (under 3 different accounts as I kept blocking each one). Finally things have "quieted" down but she messaged me last night (her emails go to my spam and though I know I shouldn't check, I can't help it and I do) and she said thanks for all the help this past year, but for her mental health, she can have no contact with me until "therapy has taken place" (I'm in therapy already and the main thing we talk about is my anxiety from looking after HER) and that she is very sad but there is no other option, and that I am pushing and pushing her to see how far I can push to see if she will "kill herself" I'm sorry but she has threatened this at least 30+ times in the last couple years alone. She also stated she will not be apologizing to me as she has done nothing wrong and that she was abused and I was not.

So apparently she's having no contact with ME now....

I haven't responded to a single thing all week. The last thing I responded to was 1 week ago when I told her she would never hear from me again if she contacted the place where I volunteer. (I am on disability and do not currently work, this is like my job and I love it)

This is the longest  I've ever gone without talking to her (usually its 2-3 hours a day on facetime, explaining to her what I'm doing every hour of the day, checking in to make sure she is alright, texting non stop after our phone conversations) My husband has felt extremely lonely. With the support of him and a couple other family members - I have gone this far without talking to her, and I feel SO many negative emotions but also so many damn good ones.

I want to change my phone number and email today. But her mail comes to my house and I'm storing a lot of her things in our garage. We do have 1 common acquaintance though, and as much as I don't want her to get in the middle of anything and I don't want her to be a messenger or go between, she has half my sisters stuff (I couldn't store it all) and she's offered to take the rest of her stuff.

I wish I could describe everything (but it would be WAY too long) so you could get a full, clear picture  as I feel like I'm not being fair and maybe I'm being biased only showing my side of the story and not my sisters.
i'm overwhelmed at the same time and wondering if I'm going too far with going NC. Any thoughts? I'm so sorry for the long post!

[bloomie]

BlueCheesePlease - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for sharing this tiny snapshot of what the relationship with your sister has been for you for what I suspect is a very long time. I read every word. I believe every single word. I am so sorry you have been living this way for so long.

One of the most beautiful things about coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt in our relationships with others is that everyone gets to clean up their own messes. Each and every one of us is 100% responsible for our choices. And that is it. That is all we can control, change, cure, and grow in.

Your sister's high conflict and abusive treatment of you is her responsibility. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't control it. The 3 C's Rule

It is heartbreaking that your parents split the two of you early on and were not the parents either of you deserved. It is heartbreaking that you both have suffered and been mistreated. It is not possible for you, or anyone other than them, to take responsibility for that.

Taking yourself out of the position of having your life devoured and most important relationships nearly destroyed due to your sister's very serious instability and problems is a momentous step in boundary setting.  That has to feel so strange and even possibly falsely wrong.

Moving someone who has proven themselves to be unsafe and destructive from the most intimate circle of your life where they can do a great deal of damage out to a far distant place is what healthy people do, and believe it or not, I have learned it is what love really looks like. For ourselves and others.

I have a brother who has gone NC with me. He also is high conflict with a long history of addiction, disordered traits, and mental health issues. In a similar scene, and for the last time after several other times, he took a wrecking ball to our relationship and acted out violently toward my family and me. When he encountered consequences he cut me off.

I believe I can relate to some degree to how hard this is and want to encourage you that it took some time, but I don't miss any of the problems and drama and one crisis after another that was being in a relationship with him. Not one single bit. I have grieved it all -  just the sadness of it all, but it has also been a relief. I couldn't make things right for him. Only he could do that for himself.

As you settle into the community you will support, insights, and encouragement as you heal and grow stronger. You have been through a lot for a very long time. There is a lot to process and find your way forward through. I hope you find your time here as beneficial as I have.

Much good strength and wisdom to you in the coming days.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Thank you for your kind and generous response!

YES - it feels so wrong. I feel sick thinking that I've "cut her off" and that I still have to do a few things to keep that in place. I feel sick that she thinks she's in the right, that she did nothing wrong and that I deserved this - but mostly I feel sick that I'm not there to make sure things are ok/she has food/money/a place to stay/someone to settle her anxieties etc.

Until I found this community I thought this was such a unique situation and that no one cuts family members off for ANY reason. I felt (honestly feel) still that because I didn't go through what she did, that I should be the stronger one and take care of her. I feel so "mean" for doing this and so so so wrong. I also believed this really only ever happened with partners, not family members. It's reassuring to know (though sad as it is) that I'm not alone in making this decision for myself, my husband and my mental health and well-being. Any and EVERY time she wasn't ok (which was 90% of the time) neither was I. If she was in crisis, whether real or exaggerated, it felt like I was too and things weren't right if I wasn't trying to support her and fix them.

I feel like I can relate to you when you said "when he encountered consequences, he cut me off" I feel like she is doing that to me right now because she sees that I'm not responding to her negativity - so to make herself feel better and to have the upper hand, she's choosing to cut ME off, and I know she will tell every single person she meets that she had to do this because I was toxic and bad for HER.

I am definitely grieving, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed, happy, excited, feeling GUILTY for sure, but also feeling so free. It feels so wrong in so many ways but I know this is going to be healthier in the long run and I just hope I am strong enough to keep the NC up, and I hope that I don't keep second guessing my choices and wondering if I'm doing something wrong. But her and I have done this SO many times and I just can't do it anymore.