Starting NC with Daughter

[Daniella]

I don't even know where to begin my story.  I have an adult daughter who is 31 years old.  She is my only daughter out of four children.  I was a single mom for a number of years, but remarried when she was in college.  I have gone through what I thought were tantrums of hers several times, several years apart.  I have just recently realized that she narcissistic and all the emotional abuse she has given me.  I grew up in a physically abusive family with a narcissistic mother.  Over the years, if I said anything to piss her off, she'd ignore me for a period of time, and then she'd decide I was worthy of her attention - mostly because she needed something.  There was an unspoken rule that if I upset her, then I'd be punished by her not speaking to me.  I have recently realized this pattern.  I called her out on it.  And now I am in a war.  I am going to post my story in the Parents Discussion room.  A friend recommended this group, said it helped her so much.  I am just grateful to know I am not the only one dealing with something like this.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

it has to be heartbreaking to be living your relationship with your mother all over again with your daughter.  please remember that there is nothing you did or didn't do that caused her to treat you like that.  you didn't cause her behaviors, you can't control her behaviors and no amount of love can cure her- only she can decide to reach out and get that help for herself.  i am glad you found us and have been able to identify the patterns in your daughter's behaviors as well as call her on how it is unfair and abusive treatment towards you.

i will look for your posts in the parents discussion- until then be kind to yourself.

[Starboard Song]

You are not the only one dealing with something like this.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I recommend two things: read, read, read. Start with our Toolbox, where you'll be able to identify both the behaviors you've seen and the tactics that can help. Realize that tactics come in flavors: some are all about managing a relationship, others are more about self-care healing from the relationship. My signature has all the resources that helped my wife and I the most. The top line are self-care and healing. The second line is the block and tackle of dealing with -- in our case -- BPD.

The other recommendation is to ensure you have someone IRL you trust and in whom you can really and truly confide. You need someone who will support you in the hard calls, and brush you back if they genuinely believe you are overreaching. These situations are crazy making. An online resource is so valuable, but nothing replaces a trusted friend and confidant.

I look forward to seeing you on the boards.

Be good. Be strong.