Frustration

[Phoenix Rising]

It feels so minor to vent about this but the little things add up. Just when I think DH is making great strides and coming Out of the FOG, something happens and I realize he is still enmeshed with MIL. Maybe I am being hypervigilant or I just don't trust PDMIL... Like she seems nice and does nice things but it just rubs me the wrong way. Something about her gives a weird vibe

FIL's birthday is coming up.

Some days ago, DH announced that uPDMIL, BIL/BILW and him will split FIL's gift. MIL decided on the gift. Everyone's portion is significantly more than DH and I would have spent ordinarily..

DH is not employed and I have been the primary income earner for some time. I am also saving up to pay for some tuition expenses coming up in two months. The income coming in is quite unstable due to Covid. It annoys me that they know DH doesn't have a job and has to chip in but doesn't include the person who will ultimately be paying his part into it?  Is BIL the only one in the family that has a wife?

Don't get me wrong.. this is not a complaint about having to buy a gift.

I don't like how PDMIL went about deciding what to buy, how to buy.. it feels like she controlled the situation. I already picked up something for FIL, now I'm debating on taking it back. I think it will make me look bad if FIL receives it because the idea of everyone (except me) chipping in and agreeing to that seems like a good idea in hindsight and buying the extra gift goes over them.. I mentioned it today and DH had amnesia about us buying this gift. "But BIL, Mom and I already said we were going to chip in..." 

Am I being overdramatic, overthinking or? Has anyone dealt this kind of scenario or similar?

[bloomie]

Phoenix Rising - your frustration is understandable. And keeping the gift you already purchased for another time may be a good thought.

What it seems like is you might need to find a place of agreement about how much you can afford and how you go about giving gifts going forward. This could be a time to take that frustration and angst and use it as a catalyst to make some changes, keep the discussion focused on what you actually have control over, and give within your means as determined by both of you.

Let us know how you are doing with all of this.

[Phoenix Rising]

Phoenix Rising - your frustration is understandable. And keeping the gift you already purchased for another time may be a good thought.

What it seems like is you might need to find a place of agreement about how much you can afford and how you go about giving gifts going forward. This could be a time to take that frustration and angst and use it as a catalyst to make some changes, keep the discussion focused on what you actually have control over, and give within your means as determined by both of you.

Let us know how you are doing with all of this.

Thank you for your reply Bloomie and for the great idea about the gift! It may make a nice Father's Day present for November (Father's Day is not celebrated in June here).

DH and I already made agreements on how much we can spend on gifts and who we buy for. This came up in November, the beginning of December, weeks and days before Xmas and again after Xmas. We've also revisited what we will do next year if he still unemployed. So I am unsure at the moment what else I am supposed to do or why it feels like this is a circle. What is strange is that DH has been the first to proactively make suggestions since he is fully aware of our expenses and the income that comes in.

For e.g he suggested we only buy xmas gifts for each other, his nieces and my children (he has none) and that we will cap at $100/person. We felt that children enjoy Xmas the most and we wanted it to be special for them. The last two years, it has just been him and I for Xmas since we lived abroad at that time so this has been what we've become comfortable with. 

DH and BIL got an inheritance around that time and he was adamant about saving it because he wanted to contribute to our expenses and be able to pay for things. Not too many days after they got the inheritance, he received a list of things to buy for BIL, BILW and their kids. BILW also started asking what we wanted for Xmas. Mind you that this communication has gone directly to him and he relayed the information. When that happened, we revisited the discussion again and agreed on extending the people we would buy for but that next year if the financial situation is still the same, we will follow the original plan.

Maybe I need to work on my boundaries and not fold next time. It felt like he was going to do what he wanted to do, especially when he maintains access to the money he received and I do not (nor have any desire to when it's an inheritance). But I also felt frustrated that he not only went against what we agreed, he did not contribute whatsoever to buying anything for my children. It feels unfair to be pulling all the weight and when he gets money, I am still doing it alone. I have communicated this to him in a calm, clear and non-aggressive manner. And I get what I think are positive strides but are often not followed through if something related to the ILs come up.

If you have any suggestions about how to work around that, I am really open to hearing it. I thought we had good communication but I am starting to question that now if we discuss something, I think it's resolved and then his FOO says/does something and he folds, if it is really resolved :/

[bloomie]

Phoenix Rising - how interesting that the pressure is on after your DH received an inheritance... and I would be very frustrated as well.

My own DH has in the past gone back on agreements surrounding his family and our resources as the 'easier' route and he ends up looking to the whole world like a nice guy, when in reality it is not nice to break agreements with our most intimate partner and lay more burden upon us to redraw the boundaries over and again.  

Since you and your DH have made agreements with each other about gifts and finances and he has his own funds would it be fair then for him to cover the cost of any gifts outside of that agreement out of his funds and not your general funds that cover your everyday needs?

Possibly... if your DH saw his inheritance dwindling due to the aggressive gift requesting and his compliance with it from his family it may reinforce the need for strong and united boundaries around resources like money. If he wants to practice what others around the forum called 'auto giving' where we are like an ATM or a vending machine with people who will take advantage that is up to him, but to expect you to also pay for it (if that is indeed the case) when you are already under a great deal of financial strain doesn't sound like it is working for you.

It feels like the financial balance and agreement with your DH is not holding and working for you in the bigger scheme of things and this latest gift giving season has revealed the need to rework all of this? Maybe it is time for him to start contributing out of those funds to your household if he hasn't already?

A resource that has been really helpful to me to understand agreements, expectations, and  boundaries is a podcast called Beyond Bitchy, Mastering the Art of Boundaries and it is found here: https://beyondbitchy.com/podcast/page/10/

Strain like you describe and breaking of agreements can really damage our connection with our intimate partner I have found. It seems important to work through this so that you can maintain a loving and strong regard for one another and for you to be heard and your needs, contributions, stresses, be considered above any consideration of your H's family.

One of the best boundaries I have ever set for myself is to no longer accommodate dysfunctional and unfair systems and situations and to no longer allow others to burden me with the consequences of their decisions. 

I hope there is something of value and help to you in this. You are more than holding strong to your agreements and having a reasonable expectation that your life partner will do so as well is good and right and healthy.

[Phoenix Rising]

Haven't had the chance to hop on nd reply until now but yes Bloomie, your posts have been really helpful! Thank you!

Another thing I thought on while I was away was about managing my own expectations... DH didn't win the lottery or anything receiving this inheritance. I felt that since I had been paying everything for so long and he had voiced wanting to contribute on his own that would have been the priority for some of the money. Ultimately, he spent some money on gifting, himself and the rest went to bills.

I think in general what you suggested would make sense and be perfectly OK. The last three months have been quite tight with income fluctuating so again...  expectations on my end.

I think what would really help in addition to improving/maintaining boundaries would be if DH was able to pick up some part time work. Some years ago when he had PT work, there seemed to be less of these scenarios where ILs want him/us to spend x y z and DH would fold (and I would allow it).

You've given a lot to think about and I am really looking forward to listening to the podcast. Can use all the tools I can get
Thank you so much again