Grey Rock Inspiration

[Janeite V]

Grey rock is such a perfect description as to how to completely deprive any drama/conflict addict of supply. Boring and forgettable.

I think a lot of us with narcissistic family dynamics came up with something similar to the concept independently as a way to survive. When I was first experimenting with it as a child, often it would resemble sulking or the silent treatment, but over time I think I got better at being truly boring and unappealing as a target.

What is your inspiration for grey rock?

One close (non-PD) relative likes to boast about how she can get rid of any toxic person by playing into the Boomer stereotype and rambling about her technological problems (she's actually very computer savvy). I've seen her in action and it's amazing how fast it works.

I adjust my grey rock depending on the type of toxic person I am dealing with and my relation to them. I think this video from Father Ted sums it up very well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z88AiJtZpZI

As well as Carol from Little Britain. She's amazing with her flat affect:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nh7rDO_9ns

[WinterStar]

I learned how to make myself scarce as a kid. I remember Ndad's car pulling into the driveway and abandoning whatever activity I was in the middle of and disappearing upstairs. He never came upstairs.

I put him on an information diet at an incredibly young age.

I played dumb to get out of helping him with anything. He used to ask for help with the computer and then yell at the helper. I let him think I barely knew how to turn it on.

He also loves to push all of everyone's buttons, and I knew to never show him my reaction. Once he couldn't get a rise out of me, I became very boring to him. We barely interacted even when I wasn't hiding upstairs.

[Janeite V]

I am glad you were astute enough to figure out what was going on with your NDad at such a young age.

Though grey rock and the various other strategies are very protective, it saddens me that so many children have to do it to minimise abuse. In the long term it can feel very diminishing. I believe that I gained a generalised fear of making people envious because I knew not to allow my N-relative to feel that way about me.

Your example with abandoning your activities before your NDad rings very familiar. Even if you have them on a strict information diet, even observing the things you value or excel at can be seen as an opening. Narcissists often feel the need to ridicule everything you enjoy on top of you yourself.

Good on you for playing dumb, too. I have observed the same tendency with narcissists to yell at people who are helping them.

Also, I've found that some of them will flat out ignore your advice or help that would immediately solve their problem. Cue screaming and swearing for another ten minutes until they figure it out themselves and act like no one said anything! I don't know if their rage makes them temporarily deaf or if they hear perfectly well but don't want to finish raging.