The Aha moment caused anxiety

[pianissimo]

I am writing this post because I have been distracted lately. I find myself very unsure of myself. I suppose this feeling comes from the revelation I experienced a few weeks ago that my FOO has a narcissistic dynamic.

This revelation was mostly a good experience. It explained a lot about myself, like why I didn't feel close to my parents, why I stay and live away from them, why I think their love is fake, why I can't stand being around them, why I feel so depressed and hopeless the minute I see them... It also explained why my friendships and relationship didn't work.

But, this revelation also made me doubt my judgement, it made me unsure of myself, and I guess this triggered a bit of anxiety. I feel worried when I think that my urges to get love and affection are not reliable. I felt horror and great sadness when I realized this big innocent love I felt for people around me was the affect of past abuse, that the feeling that made so happy and hopeful comes from this very dark and hopeless place. I feel more alone than usual because what makes me acceptable to people around me is not me, and the path I should take will remove me from people. I have spent my whole life to be acceptable to people, to make them love me, and now, I have to give all that up. I will be alone again. All this time, I worked on myself to be less lonely, now, I have to choose loneliness, again. In the beginning of the path there is no people and there is no me. It feels like I have nothing. Again, growing up in a narcissistic family dynamic, apparently I have built up a few defense strategies. All this time, I thought there were times I was unfair and too defensive, that I didn't give people a chance, but it turns out I actually had the right instincts when it came to people, I actually didn't defend myself enough, and I was too forgiving.  But, I feel like, overtime, I changed myself to be even more accommodating. Like, all these years, I have developed a personality that I thought I needed to be. I am this person now, and I find out, who I was not the problem to begin with. I feel like I was deceived. I feel like an idiot.

I suppose, what worries me is that I'm OK with myself. Given how I got things wrong, I feel like perhaps I should not feel OK with myself.  And, I want things. Like a reliable circle of friends, a family. But, the revelation that I come from a possibly Narcissistic family makes me doubt if I want the right things for myself. Like, is the concept of friends and family I have a realistic one? I thought I knew what I was doing a couple of weeks ago when I didn't know anything about PDs, but it turned out I got things wrong. So, how do I know what I want is right for me, now that I know about PD?  Probably there is some other element that distorts my perception of the reality.

Here, I will validate myself a bit. Because I have positive thoughts too. So, I think, despite my narcissistic FOO, I haven't come to such a bad place. What I struggled before finding out PDs was understanding people. I think I was able to protect myself most of the time, because I have some sense of personal boundaries and they repelled problematic people, but I would blame myself when this happened, and I would feel abandoned. What confused me was why everybody I met was like the members of my family. I was about to accept that I was living in this world in which people were so happily getting along being mean to each other and I was the one who couldn't take any of it. I was about to go my way, like, "OK, I can't take this, so I'm opting for solitude." So, I had a sense of self that wouldn't let me take any more abuse even when I thought I might be the problem. But, since I discovered that I come from a narcissistic FOO, I can't hold on to myself. I can't find peace, when I could find it before I knew about PDs. Don't get me wrong, I was dead scared to lead a lonely life, but I thought if that's something I have to go through with, I will go through with it. There was anxiety, sadness, fears, but I was able to process them. But, now, I find myself undecided. On what? I have no idea. It's like I'm trying to figure out something. I am distracted, I procrastinate a lot, when before, I could work like a machine.

To sum up, since I found out about personality disorders, a part of me is relieved, but the other part is panicking. I kind of need somebody to tell me I'm doing OK... It feels like I need a mother more than ever, when I had come to peace with my mother's shortcomings long time ago. Actually, the moment I wrote this, my sense of self came back to tell me I'm doing fine (and I'm doing fine, I think), but I still wonder why I'm in this state. Why am I so worried, why have I become elusive to myself? Did I become in touch with the traumatized inner child or something?

A good thing that happened is that I started to be able to discard some of my intrusive feelings and thoughts. For example, there are times I feel shame for something insignificant and I somehow know that it's not a valid feeling or it's not a feeling I need to dwell in. But, apart from that, I feel like I'm all over the place. It's like there is this big question in front of me, but I don't know what the question is.

Does anybody relate to any of this?

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pianissimo,

Yes. I can relate to the mixed emotions you describe.

There is some relief in seeing what is wrong with the situation we are in...but it is also hard to realize these things too.

I come from a very dysfunctional family as well.

Adult children of narcissists tend to feel anxious about certain things- we can really want a reliable circle of friends as you say...and we are not sure how to proceed...which can cause anxiety.

We are meant to keep changing throughout life, discover new ways that we enjoy being. Changing and coming to new realizations about yourself is normal...but in a narcissistic family it is seen as something bad.

It sounds to me like you are fine tuning your intuitive senses which in the moment can feel quite confusing - until some of the new realizations sort themselves out. Hang in there while this change is taking shape inside your mind and body.

Trees

[IRedW77]

Hi Pianissimo,

I've enjoyed the back and forth in the other thread, and I still need to do another reply, but I feel like I can talk a bit about this too, just based on where I am right now.

I'm only about 3 weeks into my PD awakening journey and it's a little wonderful, but mostly it's absolutely painfully awful. Unfortunately I think there's a lot more pain and awful to wade through before you get more wonderful back into your life. Other people I'm sure can tell you that better than me.

I totally understand the kind of mind blowing nature of learning about PD's and the ones you've always had around you.

I think whatever differences there are on here with life experience and damage from different kinds of PD's that probably everyone has experienced some kind of painful awakening. I think that's the whole meaning of Out of the FOG. You're not in it anymore, so celebrate that, but it's just the beginning and that's kind of terrifying. That's ok.

You're probably thinking through everyone you've ever know that's behaved less than normally and trying to figure out if they're NPD's or some other kind of PD's.

I know I've gone through all the toxic people I've ever known and tried to figure this out. Did I attract some of these people? Did they attract me for reasons I didn't even understand? Did they know what I was (or what I'd been through) when I didn't? Were they taking advantage of that? I think that may be even more of a scary question for you with NPD's specifically.

I can't help wondering that, even though I know it's mostly pointless. All it's really good for is spotting past mistakes and maybe resolving past hurts and understanding past experiences.

I think what you need to focus on is life going forward. You can have a good life with good people in it. You really, really can. I promise. You're just going to have to work harder to have that than most other people do. BUT, you've also already got a huge toolbox of special skills that most other people will never have and would never understand.

You lived with PD's and you understand them better than anyone who hasn't experienced that. You've built up defenses to survive—some of them are actually valuable life skills going forward—but most of them are holding you back.

I almost like to think we've been given superpowers, but in return for that we have to fight supervillains. We can use those powers to do super damage to ourselves and others around us— that's what the NPD's and other PD's do—or we can learn to help ourselves and others.

Where you are right now you just need to take a deep breath and keep reminding yourself that it will be ok.

You already, like you said, have been able to discard a ton of intrusive feelings and thoughts. You should celebrate that.

Personally when I learned about my BPD mom that I could almost immediately drop like this whole pile of awful things and feelings that weren't even mine. It felt amazing. What I've learned since is that some of those things are still in me—I have control and understanding, and they're like 95% gone, but if I get poked hard enough in just the right place they can still come out. BUT I know they aren't mine and I can just stop and apologize and make it ok as soon as the situation that set me off ends. Like my hand slips of the wheel, and the car skids, but I see it and I grab the wheel again and it's ok.

The harder, much harder part is learning about all the damage and hurt, and unhealthy behavior is actually part of me. It's in there deep, I'm not just copying all the bad behavior I grew up with. This is MY damage. Almost none of it is my fault, but I'm going to have to go through hell to fix it, and I'll never be completely ok. That hurts. That's hard to handle. It's ok to feel that.

As far as people in your life right now:

Look at everyone in your life. You have a lot of sh**ty people around you. But I promise it's not everyone around you. You need to sort through your people and decide who's healthy enough for you to keep around and who isn't. That's probably messy and complicated and not black and white. BUT you're not going to end up all alone and you don't have to isolate yourself from absolutely everyone. Just put up your guard with everyone for now and figure out carefully who's safe to keep.

The bad news is that whoever in your family did this to you will probably never be willing or able to fix themselves. No one is ever going to own the awful things they did to you and apologize. It's not impossible, anyone can change. But the nature of PD's makes them so damaged and so self defensive that they'll never change. They won't put in the work, so you have to.

You need to grieve for the people that your FOO could and should have been for you and never will be. You may have to edit them completely out of your life. They will never stop trying to hurt you to meet THEIR needs. You either need to develop such strong (and healthy) defenses that they can't hurt you anymore, or you need to permanently get them out of your life. That's some pain right there, and I'm sorry.

You have a lot to deal with right now, and a lot more work ahead of you, but you're very strong. You are SO much stronger than you think you are. The simple fact that you're here and aren't a NPD proves that. It's easy to become just like them. Most people do. You didn't. You have amazing strength.

My advice for now:

1. Raise your defenses. Think about everyone in your life very carefully and find the people you need to get away from and the ones you should keep. Take your time with this.

2. Find a therapist if you can. If you find one you don't like find a different one. You need to find the right one FOR YOU. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. It's their job to help people. Not every one of them or even most of them might be a good match for you. You're paying them to help you, so you don't owe them anything more than honesty and whatever you have to pay them.

3. Find some good self-help books and work through them at your own pace. They're a lot cheaper than therapy if you can't get that. They can even be free from a library.

4. Talk to people here. People here have been through things you're going through and they know things that other people don't.

5. Write in a journal if that helps you. Writing here also sometimes helps in the same way as a journal. Trying to explain what's going on with you often helps you understand it better yourself. I've written a lot of posts here that I haven't even posted.

5. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You deserve it.

6. Remember that you'll be ok. In a way you're already more ok than you've ever been in your whole life.

[Boat Babe]

 

[pianissimo]

Thank you treesgrowslowly, IRedWW7 and Boat Babe. It's good to know it's normal to feel this way.

It sounds to me like you are fine tuning your intuitive senses which in the moment can feel quite confusing - until some of the new realizations sort themselves out. Hang in there while this change is taking shape inside your mind and body.

I feel like this is what is happening too. Now, I also think that perhaps the realization increased my anxiety because it confirmed my insecurity that I don't have an understanding of people and relationships as I should have.

IRedW77, I did some of the things you said about yourself. For example, I wondered if all the toxic people around me are narcissistic too. This made me hyper-vigilant.

I'm still not sure how bad the abuse was for me. I still can't help myself but think of my parents as people who have problems. Like, I can't see myself as a person who was abused. I mean, I remember loved too (but perhaps it wasn't low, perhaps, as a child, when my parents seemed less angry, I thought that was a sign of affection. Because, in my adulthood I couldn't tell when somebody was mean to me.). I suppose this is how most people see abuse. It seems like it's something that is so inherently bad that the abused person won't remember anything but the abuse. Similarly, when I think of an abuser, I imagine an evil person who does evil things.

A part of me used to think it was a bit pointless to dwell in what happened. I guess I'm partially annoyed that the abuse had such a big impact on me. Emotionally, it set me on the wrong path. I was so lost in my twenties. I guess, I emotionally matured in my thirties. I feel sorry for the time I lost. But then, I'm not sure if narcissism was the only problem in the family. I think there were real problems too. So I can't tell the real problems and problems resulted from narcissism apart.

I got in touch with a therapist through an online platform. But, after the second session, she recommended me to see another. She thought what I was seeking was a Gestalt therapy. I asked the system administrators to put me in touch with the therapist recommended to me but I haven't heard from them, probably because it's Christmas holidays in the US. I also partially feel like I'm wasting money, and a part of me resents having to spend money on this. A part of me is always in survival mode and sees any thing that makes life better as trivial.

Thanks for the advice, I have been doing them since my realization about personality disorders. I was recommended a book about codependency and it helped me to think of ways to be less attractive to narcissists.

[Hepatica]

Hi pianissimo,

I don't have a lot to add, as there are some good responses here. Just want to say I've been reading your posts and relate to so much of what you say.

Something that helped me understand the past in a way that didn't need to define a person as disordered or a situation as abusive, is to become much more attuned to how I feel in my body when I'm around someone. It amazes me how sensitive our bodies are to tension. We can read a slight roll of the eye, or a tone of voice from another room, and then this raises our cortisol and adrenaline levels in our own bodies even if we are not aware we are doing it. And the more we become aware of how finely tuned our bodies are to tension, the better. Mindfulness has really helped me with this.

Much of what I grew up with didn't have to be defined as "abuse." It was more a household of recurrent or constant tension and my body learned to adapt as I grew up in. Certainly though, there were incidents of definitive abuse that I still feel great sadness over.

What has helped me to re-regulate and perhaps even re-wire my brain is taking mindfulness meditation courses. Kristen Neff is wonderful and Tara Brach. Before Covid there were 6 week programs offered where I live and I believe it really helped re-wire my brain into a more calm and compassionate state, mostly toward myself.

It also has helped me immensely to learn the Red Flags of toxic behaviours by reading up on NPD and there are so many great Youtube sites now to help see what is not normal behaviour. Having grown up in a toxic family, I had no idea what was bad behaviour and what to avoid.

I have gone through a period too of hyper-vigilance and sort of diagnosing many people in my life and I was and am worried I do it too much. I always end up going back to my own healing. As I learn more compassion toward myself I also feel more empowered in how to deal with toxic people as they come up in my life.

I hope you are able to find a therapist that speaks the language we are all learning here on this forum because it is truly helpful in the process. I also believe with all my heart that self-compassion is one of the greatest healers when we come from experiences where we have been in relationship with toxic people.

I wish I could remember the quote i saw yesterday. I should have copied and pasted it because it rang so true for me. It said something along the lines that the way to healing is to replace the hurtful, toxic voices of our parents that live in our heads with a new parental voice, the healthy voice we deserved. And that when we learn to do this, we heal generations of trauma from the past. With this, I know from personal experience, we are also given the task of grieving the losses of what we didn't receive as children, love, care, concern, time. When the grief moves through me now, I give it the space it deserves and treat myself in a very gentle way.

[Boat Babe]

That's lovely Hepatica, thank you.

[pianissimo]

What has helped me to re-regulate and perhaps even re-wire my brain is taking mindfulness meditation courses. Kristen Neff is wonderful and Tara Brach. Before Covid there were 6 week programs offered where I live and I believe it really helped re-wire my brain into a more calm and compassionate state, mostly toward myself.

Many thanks, Hepatica, I will definitely check these out. I've been watching YouTube videos to learn more about narcissistic personality disorder. It's quite interesting too, to see the perspective of a person with NPD. I already recommended it in the forum but I will repeat it here, the YouTube channel called "Live Abuse Free" is such a great resource. So fascinating... And the person who runs the channel does such a good job, her videos are relaxing too.

I think that I came back to myself this Sunday. I still worry sometimes but I somehow regained my hope for the future. Becoming aware of personality disorders is such a good thing but it's also so shocking.