Birthdays/Holidays - how do you manage?

[BlueCheesePlease]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here - and newly detached (NC) with my sister who likely has an undiagnosed PD. I cut off contact with her completely about 3 weeks ago. She has still been trying to get ahold of me through other members of my family, and is still emailing me incessantly, almost daily, and about 3-6 emails on those days demanding to know why I cut off contact....

ANYways... her 40th birthday is coming up in a little over a week. My birthday follows 1 week later.

I am feeling really guilty right now for 1- cutting her off, and 2-I always thought I would be there to celebrate her 40th, as I've been there for every other.

I am increasingly anxious as our birthdays get closer - I have no desire to contact her on her birthday, and don't intend to - I think she is going to be incredibly shocked when she doesn't hear from me on her 40th. She is already clearly flabbergasted over 3 weeks of no contact. My birthday is a week later, she has no way of contacting me (I've recently changed my email and phone number) except through a mutual friend or if she were to write me a letter and mail it.

How do you all deal with these situations? or I guess if you are NC, you just don't do "anything" but I guess I'm having a hard time emotionally dealing with this, and also feeling anxious and even scared (if you read my previous posts, you'll be able to see the drama that built up to going NC) I don't want to hear from her, I don't want her to expect to hear from me.

What do you all do/think?  :-\Thanks everyone in advance!

[Hilltop]

You seem to be taking on your sisters feelings about the matter and taking them all onboard.  As you say "she will be shocked", you don't want her to expect to hear from you.  You are not only taking your own emotions onboard you are taking some of hers onboard as well and that's a lot to deal with. You aren't responsible for another person's feelings or emotions.  Your sister can manage her own feelings just fine. 

I think there are moments in life that we know are big moments to miss and a milestone birthday is one of those moments  so missing this moment in your sister's life is sending a pretty big message.  There are moments when we are expected to be there and when we push back from that it feels uncomfortable.  You are going to feel anxious about this and scared.  Don't push these emotions away, sit with them, they are uncomfortable but if you just sit with them without acting on them it makes it easier.  just because people expect us to do things, doesn't mean we have to do them, do what is healthy and right for you.

There are reasons why you have decided to go NC.  Rather than looking outward at your sister, look inward.  Write down those reasons why you have chosen to go NC otherwise your brain might panic you into thinking it was all a mistake and there is no reason for being NC.  Write the list so that you can look at it when you start to question yourself.

Perhaps you might want to grieve the fact that you aren't going to be celebrating those milestone birthdays like you thought you would.  It's a loss.  The main thing is not to be hard on yourself over this time, you will feel all sorts of things during your birthdays and that's ok.  You would be celebrating with your sister if she was a healthy person in your life, but she is not and you can't change that.  That's a loss and grieving that may help.

You are not responsible for your sister.  You aren't.  The responsibility you have is to yourself.  To look after you, to be kind to you and to learn to be healthy.  Your sister is taking her anger out on you and she needs therapy.  You are not to blame for what happened to her, you are not at fault.  Its not healthy to continue a relationship when it's unhealthy and just because you feel guilty doesn't make you guilty.  You didn't throw things, you didn't try to get anyone fired or the number of other things your sister did.  She did that and that's why you have walked away.  Yes you will feel guilty, that's normal, but remember it doesn't make you guilty.  You didn't do anything to cause this.  You didn't create this and you can't change this.  Take care.  Big hugs.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Hi Hilltop,

Thank you so much. You are absolutely right I'm taking on her emotions, and I've been told that so many times, but even when I think I'm not, I still do - and again, you're right, it is way too much! I know it's my "fault" for doing so, but you have no idea how much I used to take on her emotions/feelings and then do everything I could to make them better. If she wasn't ok, then I wasn't ok.

Thank you for your reassurance. So I don't need to feel guilty the day of, for not reaching out, right? I know that's silly to even need that reassurance, but I know it's going to be a super tough day. Especially because lately she has been paying me back money she owes me, and the only way she can "reach" me is through the memo section on email money transfers to me. She tells me she loves me and it breaks my heart a little bit....

Thank you for the suggestions. Everyone around me keeps reminding me why I went NC in the first place. You're right. I am going to do exactly that - write a list.

Your response has me in tears, but it's because I know you're right. Thank you so, so much for this. I really appreciate it more than you know. Thank you for your time and thoughtfulness. <3

[Andeza]

You don't need to feel guilty about anything. NC is a last ditch effort to heal and protect ourselves. There is no need to feel guilt or shame, or any other negative self-emotion about it. It's hard in the beginning, but as time goes by and you begin to realize just how much calmer everything is, it'll get easier. A large part of that is being aware of the unhealthy habits created around the person with whom you are now NC. It took me months after blocking my uBPDm to stop hating every time my phone went off. It takes a bit, just like any major life change, to start seeing the results.

I recommend in addition to the list of things that led to NC, that you take a minute or two each day to journal your feelings. Just a sentence or two to focus your mind on the negatives or positives you are feeling in the moment. I think it would be helpful to see just how much apprehension you're carrying around on behalf of somebody else. And that's not healthy. The goal here is to be healthy, in body, mind, and spirit (if that's a part of your lifestyle).

[RAC46]

This came at just the right time. I always seem to pop in here and immediately find something that speaks to me.
I feel your pain about your sis. I told mine I needed a break after yet another nasty episode over the holidays. She's giving me space—and I honestly don't know if it's because she actually heard me or is just angry—but I have started, like you, to feel anxious and second guessing myself. I find myself making excuses for her and thinking of the times when our relationship was good. Something significant, important to both of us, happened recently and I felt that it was something we should've been celebrating together. Its amazing how your brain can concoct scenarios of how things should be instead of how they really are, and then feel guilty about it.
I wish you the best. And the advice you received above was helpful. I only offer solidarity and encouragement.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Andeza - things DO feel so much more calmer and peaceful already  you are absolutely right and I can totally relate to hating the sound of your phone going off. That's the only reason my phone is literally ALWAYS silenced. Like, always. Even though she can't even contact me now, the sound of a phone call or text makes my stomach drop and my heart sink.

Thank you for your suggestion as well - I like to journal, but sometimes I don't because I feel like I should write a lot more than I do - I like the idea of writing just a few sentences. That makes it seem less overwhelming. Thank you!

RAC46 - I'm glad seeing my post helped you. I'm sorry you are going through this also and feeling these negative feelings. Keep reading the board and posting. I have found it so therapeutic and helpful. In some ways, the longer we go without talking, I feel better, but at the same time - more and more guilty as well. It's tough. Thank you.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Blue Cheese - one of my siblings bdays just passed, Xmas passed, and another sib's bday is on the way. A few months ago the same happened with my M.

I have ignored each of them (and plan to let them go by) without doing anything, no presents for them right now I'm NC. Not without immense feelings of guilt, of course, that's the hardest part, because I do love them.

But it's OK to just take a break from relationships if you reach the breaking point! (Also my other FOO are terrible with gift giving, why am I the one who needs to be impeccable with it?) With your sister, think about it: is it a true break for you if you're trying to send her something that conveys thoughtfulness and care? Wouldn't that take a lot out of you, when she's already taken so much out of you and you went NC because you've got nothing left to give?

If you're not getting that from her in return, why send anything? And if she is upset over this somewhere in her mind, that's just one of many red flags that gift giving in your relationship is more about power and control than about genuine care, affection, or reciprocity.

You *could* send her a message explaining why you're not sending her a gift, BUT....wouldn't that just open the door to a fresh new round of craziness, gaslighting, manipulation, pressuring you to do what she wants, etc.? Put your healing and peace first right now no matter what it takes.

I have those guilty scenarios in my head where FOO accuse me of not caring for not sending presents. The response I come up with is "I've had a spiritual change in my life which has changed my perspective on the meaning and materialism around gift giving, I hope you can understand."

Meaning: I only engage in gift giving with people who give back in meaningful and thoughtful ways in general. But they don't need to know that, the explanation above will suffice.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Ughhhh, today is her 40th birthday and it's half bugging me (as in I'm feeling so guilty and sad) but half not bothering me at all lol. I guess it's mostly bothering me..... but I'm trying to keep busy. I never expected my sisters 40th would be here and that I wouldn't be talking to her at all. To anyone else who reads this or might be in the same boat, to help myself, I'm trying to think about what things would be like today if we WERE still in communication. Yes - I would be celebrating this huge milestone with her, BUT, I would also be broke (cuz I'd still be lending her money daily to help with her daily crisis'), I would be be even more resentful now because it would have just meant another month of abuse, my relationship with my husband would be failing even further, I would be hurting myself to make her happy, I would be preparing to take  care of her for the following week - Sundays I always made my plans for the week, and a lot would contain what I need to do for HER.

Distance - you are so brilliant! Thank you for your ongoing support 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Ughhhh, today is her 40th birthday and it's half bugging me (as in I'm feeling so guilty and sad) but half not bothering me at all lol. I guess it's mostly bothering me..... but I'm trying to keep busy. I never expected my sisters 40th would be here and that I wouldn't be talking to her at all. To anyone else who reads this or might be in the same boat, to help myself, I'm trying to think about what things would be like today if we WERE still in communication. Yes - I would be celebrating this huge milestone with her, BUT, I would also be broke (cuz I'd still be lending her money daily to help with her daily crisis'), I would be be even more resentful now because it would have just meant another month of abuse, my relationship with my husband would be failing even further, I would be hurting myself to make her happy, I would be preparing to take  care of her for the following week - Sundays I always made my plans for the week, and a lot would contain what I need to do for HER.

Distance - you are so brilliant! Thank you for your ongoing support 

Sorry I didn't see this earlier BlueCheesePlease - I've got your back! Stay in touch! It's rough but I think you're so right about everything right here. Don't give up.