Letters

[Kitbit]

I am new here. I keep receiving letters from a PD family member that upset me to read. Should I just stop reading them? I am trying grey rock and have gone low to no contact in other areas. New to this forum so seeing how this goes. Do we generally have to do the verification each time?

[Amadahy]

Hi kitbit!

Sorry about those letters. My Nmom used to do this and I still hate getting mail.

It is entirely up to you how or whether to respond. You can read or toss or return to sender. Which would give you the most peace?

Take care!

[Kitbit]

Thanks so much for the reply. I saw another thread about email which is similar. I was SO relieved to see similar experiences. That feeling of dread and emotional dysregulation that lasts long after reading the content. I think I have to go with no longer reading them as the cost is too great. But I have someone who will read and give me the factual info.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Kitbit. My first bit of advice is for you to protect yourself and stay safe. My second is to educate yourself about PDs and how to manage yourself around them, (always useful cos they pop up in most people's lives. ) My third is to do some inner work to strengthen any boundary issues you may have and to work on your own growth and development. (Again, something beneficial and can be done by anyone). Many of us here have engaged with a number of therapeutic modalities that have been lifesavers as a result of PD abuse.

Good luck and see you on the boards.

[Hepatica]

I am with BoatBabe about protecting your self and education. There is a lot of excellent info. in the toolbox here and in the thread about Books to Read. I think reading as much as you can is one of the best things because that education will clear up the FOG that so many of us struggle with.

It is ok to not read anything that causes distress and/or dysregulation. We are not used to protecting ourselves after coming out of PD relationships, but we have to take on that role and the way to realize you need to do it, is when something knocks you out of your peace and causes distress. It's good that you recognize that is happening.

If there is something in those letters that is important to know, then I'd get someone you trust and who loves you to read them and let you know any "need know" info. Otherwise, toss them, burn them, whatever it is that makes you feel strong and in protection of yourself.

[BettyGray]

Ask yourself

Do I expect reading this letter will upset me?

Will anything positive come out of reading it?

Do I anticipate the letter will be manipulative and unkind?

If the first and third answers are yes, don't read them. If the second answer is no, don't read them.

We sometimes open them out of curiosity and most often are disappointed. Then we may beat ourselves up for not learning a lesson.

If the PD has a pattern of cruelty, it's not going to change. Why subject yourself to any of it?  What are you looking for? Peace of mind will most likely not be the result of reading these letters.

[Kitbit]

Thank you for these responses. I have to say my biggest obstacle in not reading the letters has been guilt, ie; feeling bad for not opening the letters. I have shared with some family who have been supportive so that has helped. I feel like a lower status person emotionally as I experienced neglect. It makes me feel guilty setting boundaries even when the person has been horrible to me. I’m not sure how to overcome the guilt.