snow white's step-mother

[desertpine]

I'm writing to get some advice. I had a falling out with my family, centered around an argument with my uNPD/uOCPD mother last summer. It has been hard and confusing to sort out what happened and what to do. I am at a loss because I think she wants me to apologize for hurting her feelings, but I can't right now.  I'm feeling appalled by things she has done - triangulation, smear campaign, gaslighting. It's all NPD rage, IMO.
You know what it reminds me of, is the story of Snow White. It's like she is the step-mother who looks into the enchanted mirror, asking who is the fairest of them all. Then raging when the mirror says that she is not the most fair. I mean, that is my mother - she literally insists that she has been and is the fairest mother, professional, wife, daughter, friend, etc. And she needs others to reflect that belief back to her - and my god, if it isn't reflected how she thinks it should be, she falls to pieces and finds ways to punish or hurt the one she thinks has betrayed her.
And that is what happened last year. And that's why I don't have it in me to apologize.
I feel fortunate that we live hundreds of miles apart and do not have any reasons to get together. But I feel ganged up on when my  family members blame me and lash out for hurting her feelings. I have repeatedly asked that they not do that, and have asked my mother to talk to me directly so that others don't lash out at me in her defense. But she says that wasn't her fault - that she has nothing to do with that - and then goes back to saying I hurt her feelings and judged her unfairly. It all feels so one-sided.
I don't know what to do. It's like I have a committee in my head - where all the members come up with different ways to respond. Right now, we are only writing letters and emails to each other. I don't want to talk to her - I don't trust her. 
Do I just go NC with her? Just stop trying to resolve things since she isn't able to empathize or resolve conflict like a normal adult?
I feel frozen - hurt, angry, confused.
thanks...

[Hepatica]

I think it's hard to have a relationship with a person who uses school yard bully tactics as an adult. The tactics your mother has used are mean girlish. And she's a grown up.

Disordered people don't handle conflict well. You can't resolve conflict with them. Their egos are so tiny that if they have a moment of doubt about themselves they run to others to get a fix of, help me feel better, someone was mean to me. For your family members to get mad at you, she must have really told them a one sided story that made you look bad. Most people hear a story and it stays there. She must have told a doozy to get your family members involved. That's bullying. It shows you no compassion and no curiosity about how you could have resolved the argument between you together. Instead it was all your fault and let's get the gang to punish you for it. How is that loving?

It peeves me because this is what my sister did to me years ago. She took something that was happening between us and went to each of her friends and told her side of it and the friends we shared on Facebook unfriended me immediately. She portrayed me a simple, bad person to them, and did not give me the benefit of the doubt or the compassion to see the situation from the complex situation it was. (She wanted to schedule my time with my hospitalized mother and I did not want that bc I was having trauma reactions to my mother's NPD behaviour in the hospital.) So I was a bad person for not doting on a mother. Easy to frame me that way to her friends and I will remain the selfish sister in all of their eyes. It feels like such a betrayal from a family member and it's so pathetic to have to enlist people to not just share your problems with, as she must have, but to enrage them so much that they all unfriend me. She torched me.

I can't have a relationship with her now. I too cannot stand the smear campaign and the gaslighting and the basic mean girl bullying. I've had enough pain in my life to keep this close, so I'm letting her go. Life is too short.

Bottom line is you say you don't trust your mother. I understand. When someone creates a campaign against you and they are supposed to be the people that love you most, it is such a deep betrayal. How can you trust that person?

If you go NC it would be a reasonable natural response to move toward creating a circle of safety and peace around you which is not a form of punishment for them, but an act of self-care for you that leads to healing the betrayal - of which in all of our cases here has been going on for a heck of a long time.

[Leonor]

My m is absolutely the Queen from Snow White. She was the most fairest. She even looked like Snow White!

She was happy to be not quite the fairest (that was me as the GC) as long as I worshipped her as the most beautiful, loyal, loving and wonderful mother ever.

When I got older, I challenged that opinion by confronting her with her abuse of my stepsister and me.

That was 13 years ago. She (along with every single one of my relatives and most of my friends) hasn't talked to me since.

I grieved for years. Then the grief lifted and now I feel like poof! The spell has been broken and she's disappeared into a puff of smoke.

And I'm free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last!

[Sneezy]

I mean, that is my mother - she literally insists that she has been and is the fairest mother, professional, wife, daughter, friend, etc. And she needs others to reflect that belief back to her - and my god, if it isn't reflected how she thinks it should be, she falls to pieces and finds ways to punish or hurt the one she thinks has betrayed her.

It doesn't make any sense, does it?  How can someone think they are the best mother, friend, etc. and then rage at the ones they supposedly love?  That is the exact opposite of how a good mother (or friend or wife, etc.) would behave.  We don't rage at people we love.  We try to discuss, understand, come to a common understanding.  Right?

I don't know if NC is the right decision for you, but that answer may come to you in time.  You don't have to decide right this minute.  You can try VLC for a while if that works.  Give yourself time to work it out in the way that feels right for you.  In the meantime, don't let anyone bully you or rage at you.  You don't deserve that kind of treatment.