First contact in more than a year

[helpneeded]

Hi! I am here for the free therapy, haha. I went NC with my narcissistic BPD mom a little bit more than a year ago. Quick summary: I expected her to harass me, but she didn't. My sisters were supportive and helped by drawing boundaries. They will not triangulate, as in, they won't talk about me to my mom, and they won't talk about my mom to me. I figured that if there were any reason why I should reconsider NC, they would let me know.

Anyway, an entire year went by. I was in therapy until March when the pandemic hit, and then I could not go to appointments anymore. But the year went pretty well, and I never heard from her. There were plenty of situations in which I thought she would play for my sympathy. For example, the virus, her estranged sibling's death, etc.

I live in the US. I got a text from her yesterday. She said she was respecting my wishes not to hear from her, but she thought I might like to know that she disagrees strongly with the attack on the US Capitol, and no longer will support the outgoing president. She says she is sorry and hopes we can be reconciled.

A part (but of course not all) of our issues were around disagreeing about politics, although for me, it was also disagreeing on morals and values. If she's changed her mind now, it's too little too late, but it's beside the point anyway. Plus she doesn't even have her own mind, so if she finally disavowed the monster, it's only because her friends and/or FOX news told her that was the new party line.

I guess this is a kind of unusual hoover! The political situation is one thing she knows I care about -- she actually knows very little about who I am.

All right, so I just wanted to write this all out so I didn't bury it. I'm not in therapy and I haven't talked to my DH about it yet. I don't plan to respond to my mother, and I hope this is not the beginning of more attempts at contact. I never did block her number, which is how I got this text, but now maybe I will. I do have her blocked on Facebook. She lives far away so NC is pretty easy. Especially easy during the pandemic when no one is expected to travel. So I don't feel that I'm in any crisis or anything. It takes me a loooooong time to process new info, so that's why I'm taking this step to write this here so maybe I start to deal with it.

Thanks in advance for any of your thoughts!!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Um, ok. So she's respecting your wishes, eh? No, she busted that boundary without apology. And made out like the most important issue you had was the political. Sounds like she doesn't get it still.

I think your intuition that this is the beginning of more attempts is likely correct. I guess time will tell. But you know what you want to do so...

[BettyGray]

Hi HelpNeeded,

LOL ...free  therapy.  We may not have degrees, or be licensed, but our collective therapy experience adds up to legitimacy.

That is so great that you have siblings that support you. Many of us wonder what that is like!

I too think this is a weird Hoover attempt. Folks like this don't really change. There is no getting through to them. I think you are right to block. It helped my sanity and anxiety.

The question is, is there anything to redeem about the relationship, or is it all FOG? It's ok to not like your parents. Some of us don't even love them anymore, and have made peace with it.

Also, what is the nature of your sister's' relationships with your mother? Is there a GC, forgotten child and scapegoat? I am guessing you are the scapegoat?

[helpneeded]

Thanks Liz1018! The situation with my sisters is that they live near my mom, whereas I live many states away, and they only tolerate her. She causes drama for them with their children and around holidays etc regularly. My sisters are "good girls" who do what is expected of them. One of them told me, she would never cut off my mom like I did, because she would feel too guilty and after all, mom is mentally ill so she feels sorry for her. The other one said she would have cut off my mom a long time ago if she were me. They are both supportive and understanding of the fact that I did it. They just try to keep their boundaries with her, and I guess it goes OK enough for them. We all had very poor treatment from my mother, but yeah, I was the scapegoat.

She's kind of a powerless and pitiable PD person these days, because no one really puts up with her. But no, it's not salvageable to me. The past year has been a gift despite all the other new stresses, and I just want to keep it going. My mom lost her right to be in my life, and I don't want her in my child's life AT ALL. That's what really brought this all to the fore, was becoming a mother.

It's definitely really weird that the whole country is in a macro PD relationship nightmare. I can't wait to go back to therapy, which I think will happen in a few months after vaccines.

[helpneeded]

Hi Cordelia, I agree she does NOT get it. I know she's one of those PDs who is like, "I have no idea why I was cut off!" But she oughta know why. Although I never did lay it all out for her, I only said I wanted no more contact  because she was stressing me out. But to explain would get us into a circle of her gaslighting and denying my reality, rewriting history, disregarding my experience, calling me a sensitive baby, recounting her own grievances, and whatever else. I don't need to do all that, I already did it for like 30 years or more. I was never even a real person to her.

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling like I am getting through this already!

[BettyGray]

HN,

I, too, live far away from my FOO. Have for 25 years. I could only tolerate 20 of them before going NC. Hi wish I had done it sooner, but I just couldn't see past the "family is everything" lie.

The spell of BPD/NarcParents has not been broken with my siblings. Divide and conquer as covertly as possible was my mom's jam. It was a pitiable situation indeed to watch them grow old, alone, bitter, miserable, and hopeless.

What lives they could have had if they had shunned her/Ndad , if they'd had the strength to pursue their own happiness and a life outside of their hometown, away from her grip. Maybe they would have families of their own, careers, been better people. Maybe we would be friends.

But I guess when your mom convinces you that every possible partner isn't trustworthy, it's hard not to believe it. When she makes you believe that you NEED her/you owe it to her to stick around - well, you stay. You stay and you compete with one another for the bras ring of mom's approval, which she sporadically doles out like crumbs.

They're insecure because she MADE them that way.

Mom ran the show - and being the "good children" they were, they clearly trusted mom more than me. I feel sad for them, but they're grown adults who have chosen their lives, just as we all do. They don't realize what a heavy hand my mom put on the steering wheel. And what I said, how I lived (happy, enjoying life, cutting the cord and moving away, becoming more independent - wasn't a model for them, it made them hate me.

I do worry that your sisters may not realize the damage being done to them, even as they draw boundaries. The energy drain alone of keeping those in our lives that devalue us should be enough  to send anyone screaming for the hills. If she pushes too far with them, I think they might appreciate even more  what you had to do for yourself. Especially if they see you getting happier and moving on. You can serve as an example that this can be done. The guilt may or may not happen. And if it does, it may be overwhelming. But it can't kill you. Guilt is powerful, but not insurmountable.

I personally don't feel guilty for protecting myself from ANYONE who would intentionally work to make me feel guilty. I didn't feel much guilt I. The early days of NC. There were way too many other emotions and anxieties swirling around me to give a crap about their feelings.

I think you are doing better than you think. It sucks have  to stop in-person therapy when you have some momentum in healing an issue. Does your therapist do online sessions?

[Starboard Song]

I encourage you to decide now your tolerance, and block that number before it is breached. You needn't set yourself up for unwanted contact. It sounds like you are processing this in a healthy way: you know that the problem is the predictable risks of personality disorders, and not merely some disagreement; you know you are not being evil by keeping your distance; you know you have the right to your space.

We currently face an announced series of packages being mailed from my in-laws' attic, and so we understand how trouble the unblocked flow of contact can be.

Be good. Be strong.

[Starboard Song]

*****     Note on Political Commentary     *****

A political fact was at the core of OP's contact. OP sharing it with us made sense of the situation.

Going forward in this valuable thread, please avoid political commentary and analysis, and focus instead on personality disorders and OP's specific situation. Political commentary and analysis is off-topic for this thread and forum, is a violation of our guidelines, and is not what brings this valuable community together.