I need help

[Msquirrel]

I need help.

I just left him in New Year's Eve. We were planning to get married. Things were going well for a month. We broke up and got back together so many times. I was always the one to leave. I would leave because the times I didn't the arguments would end with me being spit in, have things thrown at me, and in general be intimidated. So I started to leave whenever I sensed he was about to go into a rage.

It was New Years I just got home from a 12 hour nurse shift. Help put his 18 month  baby to bed.. it looked like it was goi g to be a nice relaxing evening... then it started, a friend texted me. According to him it wasn't my girlfriend.. I just used her name to hide a text from a man I must be with. Than I let him go through my messeges in my phone and social media to let him see that I wasn't hiding any thing from him. I was called a liar... ect ect.. then I left. Then I was called a coward for leaving.

He came to my place New Year's Day... like he always does after a fight, but instead of apologizing he continued to go through my phone.

I could give so many other instances of crazy making... but... it would be too long a story.

Right now I am just so angry with my self and him. For all the BS. I can't seem to stop sending him emails... about my anger. And I can't seem to stop wanting to punch the wall in frustration.. if him calling me heartless and to leave him alone and how mean I am... he will never get that this anger comes from what he did to me. And I can't wrap my head around getting no closure, no justice.

It's frustrating... so very frustrating.. as he future faked marriage and a family.. only to be so horrible.

How do you over come this intense anger.. how can I be at peace with knowing he will never see or understand me. How can I be at peace knowing he will change the script so he's the vice and I'm the terrible abuse I've ex girlfriend.

I've never felt so much rage in my life. When all I want to do is move on so badly. But my emotions want revenge, my emotions want him to know and admit to the truth of his, behavior.

[ShyTurtle]

Yep, you are so strong to leave, and better off without this crazy maker in your life!

The problem with these sort of people is the hovering - how they lure you back into the relationship with love bombing and false promises! So don't give him the chance. Block him from everything: your phone, your email, all of your social accounts. Then consider cutting ties with anyone close to him who he may recruit as a spy. Protect your new peace bubble!

I had to leave my ex twice before it stuck. The problem the first time was that I stayed in contact with him. And the abuse only got worse when I went back. It's not worth it!

Wishing you so much peace in your heart. The more distance and time you put between you and the ex, the easier it gets. Distance heals.

[tragedy or hope]

To get rid of some of my anger, I used trash bags full of empty soda cans, kicking them all over the garage. They make a lot of noise. Also, of course I talked to them as if they were the person I was so enraged with. I also actually threw plastic molded lawn chairs, 3 of them against a block wall... until they were in tiny pieces. When I finished. I felt like a lot of my anger energy was gone and I could still be angry without feeling intense. This is very physical and tiring. I had to give myself time to get quiet after.

Make every second of this about you. Are you enjoying being so angry and distracted from a peaceful life, no. Why would you want this again for yourself if this is his pattern?

You will get no closure with him, he isn't capable of it, so....you are in control of the closure. You decide how you want to be sure you never see or hear from him again.

If you really love him (and often we do) realize he needs to be alone to realize his own problems. You cannot help him and he cannot help himself through having a relationship with someone he can mistreat.

Maybe at heart you are not there yet, but you can still take control. First ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship. It should be about the joy of loving someone for who they are. A few bad moments everyone has but patterns that make you feel horrible are not worth committing to.

Figure why you are connected and cannot see how bad his abuse is, but other people see it clearly. Think about you, not the relationship. If you are waiting for him to say and do what you want to make it right, you are losing your self.

More than likely as with many of us who live with pd people, they think even in their worst moments that we deserved it, and we are the problem. DON"T GET STUCK.

I am married a long time and I can tell you they do not change, maybe for the worse, but changing their disordered personality does not enter their minds. They think they are just fine.  Eventually, you WILL feel crazy and think you are the crazy one.

Keep coming back here. Listen to others and share your story. We care.

[bloomie]

Msquirrel - hi there and welcome. I am really glad you reached out for support and yet so sorry for the pain and difficulties this relationship and the ending of it is bringing you.

Anger is often a powerful protective emotion in my own life. One that I have learned arises when I have been abused, misjudged, and mistreated. Others have already offered some really practical and safe ways to release some of the energy that comes with anger and then hopefully anger will be an honorable sentry over your life.

A great help to me was to read through the work of Karla McLaren around the language of emotions - namely anger in this case - and learn to work with the questions the emotion is asking and the work anger needs to do in my life like protecting myself and setting boundaries for example, or like you have done, ending a angst riddled relationship with someone who is unfairly accusing me and attempting to entrap me in an endless round of circular arguments and chaos manufacturing. circular conversations & chaos manufacture

Here is a link to McLaren's work and more info that may be helpful to you as well: https://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

I wanted to mention also that I moved your thread from Board Questions over here to The Welcome Mat as a better fit.

As you are able read the posts, glossary, Personality Disorders Trait info, Toolbox, and take a look at the other resources all over the forum boards as a support and encouragement to you. Keep coming back and sharing! It really helps.

[Simon]

Hi Msquirrel.

I totally understand your anger.
My BPD ex-girlfriend future-faked, cheated on me when I worked away, discarded and moved onto someone else straight away, without a care in the world, and I felt that same anger.
But it does get better.

Most of the anger comes from hurt pride, which is hard to see when it is still raw.
After all the love, attention and effort I put into the relationship, how could they do this to me? How could I be so stupid.
Thoughts like that.
All reasonable questions.

As time goes on, the anger will subside, but the hurt pride still stings.
Personally, on occasion, I still want to see Karma catch up with my ex, even though I've moved on and realise that getting away from them was the best thing to happen to me.

You'll never get validation from a narcissist, borderline, or anyone with a personality disorder.
They'll never suddenly "get it", and start treating you right.
They'll never apologize sincerely, because they're not sorry.
And if you were to get angry with them, try to get even, if they're personality disordered, then the negative attention you are giving them is just as satisfying to them as any positive attention, and will only serve their narrative when they blame you to their friends.

Go No Contact, and stick with it!
It won't be easy at first, but as time goes on, you will soon be able to be objective about the whole thing.

For me, going No Contact when I live quite close to her wasn't easy.
I knew she went with someone else immediately, and even though I hadn't bumped into them, the anger was quite strong.
The temptation to confront her new boyfriend angrily was so strong (I'm a big guy, 6 foot 2, wouldn't have been a problem), but I am so glad I didn't act that way.
For one, he's being played as I was, and he will be going through all the **** I did, so I now feel really sorry for him. And two, she would have got such a buzz out of us coming to blows.

So try not to let the anger rule you.
Don't feed the PD, and don't give them an excuse to torture you further.
Go No Contact, and if you do bump into them, respond calmly, without emotion.

I could go on all night.
I feel for you.
10 months ago I was where you are.
I can't emphasize enough just how far away from that I am right now.
And because I didn't react to my anger or hurt pride in those early days, I am left with my dignity and integrity intact, and months from now, you will want to feel the same.

One final thing which might help you;
Over the last couple of months, 2 of my friends (real friends, not flying monkeys) have told me that me ex is really angry that I haven't been in contact with her (she's with someone new, remember).
The thing is, she hasn't been able to flaunt her new supply in my face, which is what they like to do, and she hasn't been able to point her finger at me and say "see, I told you!" to her flying monkeys, like she would have been able to if I'd given in to my anger and exposed her to her circle of friends.
And if she can't take it out on me, who do you think she's taking it out on?!?

Anyway, I hope you can see the strength in not reacting emotionally to these people.
I know it's not easy, but it's empowering, and it does get easier.

Don't know if I'm allowed to recommend books on here or not, and whether the person you were with is Personality Disordered or just toxic, but it's a very good read.
Take a look at "Psychopath Free" by Jackson MacKenzie.
Don't be put off by the title.
It's a great book, with a great insight into the minds of those with personality disorders, and just generally toxic people.
I actually read it a few years ago, before my encounter (I've studied a bit of Psychology over the years.....and I still got caught in the web, lol).

Best wishes to you squirrel.
There are some great people in the World.
Don't be put off by those that are less than.

Simon.