No filter?

[losingmyself]

Does anyone else's SO have absolutely no filter with things they say in public? Or at all?
At lunchtime today, at H's place of work, there was one other employee there, he says (and excuse me, I'll clean it up as best as I can)
"Hey, if I washed off my c---k, would you suck it?"
I just stared at him, like, what???
"No? So you're dirty c---k sucker!"
"HaHa Ha !" Like I was supposed to think that was such a funny joke.
I'm a 55 year old woman. Really.
The guy there didn't say anything, which is not like him. I'm guessing he was at a loss for words, too.
He does this often, it's like there's nothing in there that says "Oh, I shouldn't say that"  It just comes out. To me.
If he has anything important to say to anyone, he won't.
He will keep everything bottled up.
Oh, then when I didn't laugh, because it wasn't a funny thing to say, he just said, teasing, "Did I embarrass you??" Like, you poor thing. Which means if I say anything, I will get teased relentlessly about it forever. 
Anything I could have said?

[Boat Babe]

That's so out of order. Meant to humiliate you imo. So, so disrespectful.  And to say this in front of his co-worker is doubly so. Just awful.

He is being blatantly vile, knowing that you won't say anything because you know you will "get relentlessly teased about it forever."  Abusive and controlling. 

Is his behaviour escalating? Do you have a plan B for your life if this relationship becomes unendurable? And is a marriage an endurance test of suffering or a positive partnership for living well and perhaps raising healthy kids? Only you can answer these questions for your own life.  You are worthy of respect in a marriage at the very least.

Sending hugs.

[notrightinthehead]

I love that image of marriage being an endurance test of suffering. Mine certainly felt so.
Losingmyself I would be lost for words too. My H and his mother did not have a filter either.  It's amazing. The only way I could cope with it was to internally totally distancing myself and telling myself over and over that I am not responsible for how others behave. Not even my h. So many times when he opened his mouth I had to just walk away. If I could not remove myself I observed the behaviour as if I was watching something on TV.
I hope someone here can come up with a good response.

[Boat Babe]

I don't think there is a good response. That's why he does it.

[GettingOOTF]

People like this do have filers. They simply choose not to apply them. This was meant to humiliate and disrespect you in front of someone else. No one who respects and cares for someone would say this in front of someone else. He was trying to assert his dominance in front of his coworker.

My ex used to do stuff like this all the time. It wasn't sexual but it was similar in that he would humiliate me in front of others so I couldn't say anything back without looking crazy. He did it to put me in what he thought was my place.

No caring, loving man calls his partner a dirty c*ck sucker, let alone in front of others. This is abuse and I'm sorry this happened to you.

[blunk]

Wow, that is so incredibly disrespectful and, yes, abusive. I am so sorry that you experienced this. It was definitely meant to humiliate and belittle you. It is very likely that he said it for the shock factor, knowing that any normal person would be at a loss for words after having something like that said to them. And the fact that you say he doesn't speak up to others, even when something is bothering him, means that he does have a filter. It is more likely that he fears repercussions if he were to spew his nastiness at others.

About the only response I can think of would be to stand up and say, I will not be spoken to that way...followed by leaving him sitting there alone. Since it was his place of work, it is unlikely that he would yell or try to physically stop you, as again there could be repercussions. I know that's easier said than done, and it's likely that there would been have negative consequences later.

I'm so sorry, nobody should be spoken to that way, let alone by someone who is supposed to love you.

[tragedy or hope]

...And what about the co worker! people can be put back in line by a stranger sometimes.. At any rate, I would name the behavior and walk away. "That is a horribly indecent thing to say to your wife."  and walk away.
This would be for you to get some of your power back in the situation.

There is nothing wrong with identifying the bad behavior. Even if you distanced yourself physically just 5 ft. You don't have to put up with that. He knows you do and you will. So what that he says things to dig at you later. You are the one who sets limits to what you will tolerate.

I stopped doing some social things with my H for other reasons, but the humiliation I felt was the same. He likes to flirt and focus on an attractive woman in front of me, then denies it.

There is a right time to  set the boundary, usually not at the time. He now knows why I will not do things with other people socially. He still denies his part in any of it, but I have managed to stay out of situations where I will get hurt..

I hope you will find courage to set some boundaries for your sake. Timing is everything. He won't change but you can change your situation as any time. This is where you have power. Think of yourself first and only. He's a big boy and can deal with it. They like to get us so humiliated that we think we don't have a voice b/c they try to shut us down. It is not about reasoning with him.. It is about you acknowledging yourself as a person of worth no matter what weird thing he says to defeat you. Once you get that, you will more and more stand up for you in spite of his weirdness.

I am probably saying more than I need to, one of my character defects.... but I feel for you and I want to fix it for you... hmmmm... part of why I am here.

[losingmyself]

Thanks, everybody. I will take all the advice here and use it.
Especially saying "That's a horribly indecent thing to say to your wife!" Although, I have said before "Oh, that's a nice thing to say to your wife!" I like your response better, tragedy.
I guess I have to say my relationship is an endurance test of suffering. Sadly. The kids are grown and out of the house, which leads to more peace for me, but I can't get over the past and I'm sure I won't ever love him again. I'm just too weak to make the step. And I know now that that is my go-to excuse, so I have to get over that.
I listen to the Love and Abuse podcast, and he speaks often about what we deserve, happiness, love, peace, friendship. He answered a question from a man who left a 50 year marriage to an abusive wife. It's never too late.
And, there has to be a filter, because he would never say something like this in front of a family member of mine. Although he has raised a few eyebrows with some of his comments

[Veloter]

My uNPD husband has never had a filter.  I used to be mortified by the things he would say around other people but then I realized that he did it for attention or a reaction.   So I stopped giving him what he wanted.  Now I just walk away and he ends up looking like a fool.  However, if he would have said something like that to me, I would have definitely and calmly looked at him and said, that was so disrespectful and then walked away.  One thing they all have in common is that they don't want to look stupid or bad.  Remember, their power comes from making a fool out of you.  Take that power back and just walk away.

I know that he knows what he is doing because at home, he says horribly racist/sexist/anti gay statements to get a rise out of me.  He would NEVER say those things in public.