How to get a diagnosis for your partner

[Baconless]

Hi, I have an uBPDw and we're in counselling both individually and joint with a professional marriage councillor/ psychologist. I just want to hear if anyone had same scenario and how the uBPD got the diagnosis. My wife is unaware of her BPD behaviour and of course believes and tells me all our problems are mine.  I asked our psychologist but it's clearly not something she can divulge to me.  Any experiences?

[Poison Ivy]

Disclaimer: Getting a "diagnosis" for my partner helped me understand some things but didn't do anything positive for his behavior. That said, here's how I first heard the possibility that my then husband might have a personality disorder. I had my own therapist for many years, and one day during a session, while I was talking about my husband, my therapist rolled her chair over to the bookshelf, pulled down a book, and read a description of one of the personality disorders (either avoidant or dependent). It was a lightbulb moment for both her and me. The description fit my husband.

I tried to apply what I learned in therapy to my relationship but I never told my husband that I think he has a personality disorder.

[Stillirise]

I agree with Poison Ivy.  Most pwPd's would never accept such a label, even if given.  We were in a similar couple/individual therapy setting, when that therapist called my stbxUPDh a "king baby." It is an AA term that basically checks all the boxes for a narcissist, as well.  She also strongly recommended I visit an alAnon meeting, for my own co-dependency.  At one point, stbxUPDh actually stopped drinking, and his behaviors became even worse.  It then became clear to me that the drinking was his attempt to self-medicate, and not truly the source of the problem.  That's about the time I landed here, and the last 2 decades of my life started making a lot more sense.  He, on his own, has been treated with medication for anxiety, but I have no idea if any additional diagnosis has been given.

One of the hardest things is learning to trust your gut, especially when there's no external validation, with some sort of label.  Best wishes to you!

[foggydude]

While this doesnt answer your question, I spent scads of time on that very question years ago.
I came to the conclusion, after much ponderance, that a diagnosis really didnt matter. What did matter where the actual traits and characteristics and more importantly, what could I change to alter the poor interactions we had. When i started learning about those techniques, I came to another conclusion.....that I couldn't tolerate the effort on my behalf that it would take to get thru life with her. Not even dreaming of thriving together, just surviving.

[Codeep]

I have learning coping mechanisms and found a good deal of validation in finding labels for my H.  But more recently read about the concept of Cluster B personality disorders and relatedly read that diagnosis are helpful for treatment but that the person/behaviors don't really always nicely fit within a single diagnosis.  For example, I've recently recognized how my H fits pretty nicely into the Borderline Personality Disorder category (JUST NOW AFTER 25 YEARS!) but I never thought to go there because I felt I had already suitably place him in other categories - anxiety, depression, OCD, compulsive, narcissist, grandiosity, childhood trauma.  Bottom Line:  His emotional regulation SUCKS!!!  I am losing myself in my effort to deflect his bullshit and maintain a loving relationship while maintaining my boundaries.  So I'm trying not to worry about a diagnosis (though meds can be helpful).  I have to figure out coping strategies and what is best for me and figure out if there is a path where I can be true to myself and stay with this person.  My younger child still has seven years left at home. I don't think I'm willing to split custody and make my child live alone with him.

[moglow]

Say in an ideal world you got an actual diagnosis - then what? There's no magic pill, nothing you could serve along with her morning coffee or scrambled eggs that fixes things. IF she were to accept such diagnosis, what do you think her reaction would be? Glory hallelujah I know what's wrong now!? Does she seem to have any idea/has she admitted something isn't right? Asked to understand? Indicated in any way that maybe even some of this is her responsibility?

Is it possible that -again remote possibility at best- getting a diagnosis would merely clear the decks and she demand blanket forgiveness because she has XYZ disorder and that's why she us the way she is?

You're gonna need to regroup and focus on behaviors and patterns, deciding what you can do in response (boundaries!) and demanding better for yourself. You didn't cause it, can't change it and won't cure it. Your responsibility is for yourself and your own behavior.