Update with NPD Mother

[waterfalls]

Last night, my mother actually broke the silence. She called me to see how I was doing after getting the second COVID-19 vaccine (she remembered from earlier that I was supposed to get it Wednesday). She acted like nothing happened, I acted the same, we spoke briefly, for about 5 minutes.

Today, she calls me again. Since I was on the phone with a friend, I continued my conversation and called my mother back. (I should mention that after not being able to get me on the phone, she called my husband to see how I was doing because she couldn't get through to me. This is not typical behavior for her.)

So, I call her back, apologized that I wasn't able to answer her call since I was talking to a friend. She asked me how I was doing after the vaccine, we acted like nothing happened, I made sure to keep things light and not talk about anything important.

Everything went fine until the end of the conversation when, as I usually do, I said I love you. That's when she chewed me out. She started with "I don't want you to say, 'I love you' at the end of a phone call. I want you to say it when you really mean it." She continued with she deserves to have more respect from me, that she didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated her (I guess it was disrespectful for me to have told her earlier that it hurts me when she tells me I let people walk all over me). She told me that she doesn't know how to talk to me and that I better stop and think what kind of a relationship I want to have with her. She said loves me no matter how I am with her. She said even my aunt's husband (who gets info from my aunt, who gets info from my mom) is amazed by how hands-off my mother is with me (I know this is trying to guilt trip me). She actually told me she doesn't have to have me call her 3 times a day (!).

I let my mother talk. To the "I love you" at the end of the phone call, I just told her that I'm sorry she feels that way. I let her talk and didn't say anything because I know there's no sense in saying anything. So, I guess technically, I let my mother walk all over me, but I knew that saying anything would be wasted because it would only incense her more. You can't say your piece to a narcissist because it gets you nowhere, unlike with a normal person. So, I didn't say anything. She called me under the pretense of seeing how I was doing, but the real reason why she called was to chew me out and vent. She didn't call for me, she called for herself.

Well, I've finally, really had enough. I done with calling 3 times a day; I'm done with even calling everyday. I don't plan to call her again until Monday and only once. Afterwards, I'll give a few days and then call to check on her, only once. I'm going to call when I feel like it, and I'm not going to call on any regular, predictable schedule as before. I'll make sure not to say anything important, anything for her to feed on. I'll let her talk and I'll listen to whatever nonsense she wants to talk about. I'm not going to care about what my other family members are going to think or say about me. I'm tired of their opinions. Let them deal with my mother. I have enough. I will never be the daughter she wants, but I can't say she's been the mother I need and she never will be. I'm grateful to have a loving, understanding, and supportive husband, and it's time I focused more on our relationship rather than worry about being there all the time for my mother, satisfying her delicate ego. My husband deserves better from me. I'm done catering to my mother. Call me selfish, but I'm going to start thinking of myself and my well being more.

To all those who read and responded to my posts, thank you so much for your words, your understanding, your advice. You've been a great support to me during the past week and a half, and I'm very grateful. I'm so glad that this forum exists for me and others to have a place to turn to when we are dealing with the PD people in our lives. Thank you again, everyone, for just being there and listening. You've given me strength.

[moglow]

PLEASE BE SELFISH!  For yourself and your husband and family of choice, do exactly that, and be happy in it!!

I'm kinda back in the middle of my own with my mother, but know this - she [your mother] is who she is, and the odds of her making lasting change unless *she* wants to are astronomical. Too many people are perfectly "happy" with their status quo and see no reason to step up and connect with others, even their own children. It doesn't change you unless you allow it. Or unless you NEED to change things.

This isn't going to be easy, but it never has. One thing that's helped me innumerable times over the years is to go back and read my posts, see the progress, reread what kind souls said to me when I was hurting and doubting myself. It helps to see what the braver ones said when I needed a good swift kick in the shorts to make me get back up and go again!

Happy with you that you found a launchpad for better future - you've earned it!

[waterfalls]

Thank you, moglow, for that "permission" to be selfish. I'm sorry to hear you're back in the middle; I'm hoping you're doing well. You need to be selfish also; remember to take good care of yourself! *hugs*

[Pepin]

 I am so proud of you for having this breakthrough and for bravely sharing what happened with us!   You are well on your way with your healing journey.

[waterfalls]

Thank you, Pepin. 

[Hepatica]

waterfalls, you're so not being selfish. You are learning to recognize and practice self-care. There's such a difference, but I still like what others have said, that it's okay. Be selfish. Claim the word selfish as a journey to incredible self-respect. Find that mother bear inside of yourself that will protect her cub, the inner you.

Your mother was stewing for awhile and couldn't wait to attack you. You are right on that she didn't call to see how you were. She was festering full of spite and couldn't even hold it in.

Really work on that part of you that feels anger about it. Anger is a really good thing telling you that someone has done you wrong. You don't have lash out and hurt them back. But build that fence around you from anyone like your mother. Anger is the beginning of healthy boundaries and justice.

You are justified for some self-care and self-protection. Just because her title is mother doesn't mean she gets the right to say any old petty, mean thing, and bring in your aunt and uncle to back her up.... What a bully. She's a grade school level bully. And yes your mother.

But once someone has crossed the basic decency line, as she has, she loses any claim to mother. Being a psychological abuser overrides the parent status in my humble opinion.

[Cat of the Canals]

Well, I've finally, really had enough. I done with calling 3 times a day; I'm done with even calling everyday. I don't plan to call her again until Monday and only once. Afterwards, I'll give a few days and then call to check on her, only once. I'm going to call when I feel like it, and I'm not going to call on any regular, predictable schedule as before.

I'm sorry you had to endure that abuse, but congratulations on your breakthrough! I still remember how empowered I felt when I realized:

I do not have to take her call right now.
I do not have to call her back immediately.
I do not have to call her at a certain time.
I do not have to call her at a certain frequency.
I do not have to call her MORE often because the flying monkeys (like my aunt) are telling me I don't call enough.
And most of all, that I do not have to feel guilt for any of these things. I refuse to feel guilty for living my life for me. She has her own life. If she's not happy with it, it's her responsibility to make a change. No one else's.

It's been about two years, and my mother will still periodically gripe about my phone habits. I usually give her a "time out" when she does it, meaning that even if I had been planning to call her that day, she'll now have to wait until tomorrow... Rinse and repeat if she does it again the next day.

[SunnyMeadow]

Everything went fine until the end of the conversation when, as I usually do, I said I love you. That's when she chewed me out. She started with "I don't want you to say, 'I love you' at the end of a phone call. I want you to say it when you really mean it."

  This is so hurtful, I'm sorry waterfalls.

She really showed her true colors. You handled her call so well! Good news that you won't be calling her 3 times a day, she doesn't deserve it.

[Andeza]

Ugh, just looking for something to segue into what she wanted to talk about all along. Heck of a thing to choose though, and the most damaging to herself of all things.

Yes, time to be selfish now (although it's really not selfish). Time to take back your quality of life, and all the precious moments with your FOC. Healthy boundaries are set by healthy people. Unhealthy people hate boundaries because they want to keep doing what they've always done and dig in their heels concerning change. Please, don't be surprised if she continues to fight it, but by all means, hold true to yourself.

[Spring Butterfly]

She started with "I don't want you to say, 'I love you' at the end of a phone call. I want you to say it when you really mean it." She continued with she deserves to have more respect from me, that she didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated her (I guess it was disrespectful for me to have told her earlier that it hurts me when she tells me I let people walk all over me). She told me that she doesn't know how to talk to me and that I better stop and think what kind of a relationship I want to have with her.

it may be a good idea to take her up on her suggestions: don't say I love you at the end of phone calls and take a step back to determine how you want this relationship to be. In fact Karyl McBride in her book Will I Ever Be Good Enough suggests doing just that - take a break, heal, determine what the relationship will be going forward based on what you wish after your healing work is complete. She even has checkpoints throughout the book to know when a particular work is complete. Yes I suggest you take her up on her suggestion - take a step back.

When you got married and left the home her job was complete, you were to individuate and have now formed a new and separate family. Take that, embrace it fully and do it all in

We're all here to cheer you on to victory!

[waterfalls]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the bad one, if I'm the one who's crazy and imagining things, but when you wrote to me and even quoted some of my own words back, you helped reinforce that it's not me, it's my mother.

I've never been the person to lash out at anyone, especially my mother, and I have no intentions of doing that now. I will, Hepatica, be quietly building that fence around me to protect me from people who try to do me harm, including my mother.

I was planning on calling my mother on Monday, but now I'm not so sure. It's feeling a little too soon for me, and I have no intention of falling again into a pattern that I'm calling when I think it's good for her (when I think I haven't let too much time elapse to upset her), not for me. Let my other relatives think badly of me and feel that I'm being a bad daughter. I'm tired of being judged.

I feel badly and sorry that my mother's health is not the greatest, that she has a lot of pain from her arthritis and back pain stemming from multiple surgeries and her pregnancy with me almost 50 years ago (which she reminds me, from time to time, was the start of her back pain). I feel badly, but I'm not responsible for her pain and I can't do anything to help her. The only thing I was able to do was listen to her complain and be sympathetic, but I'm so tired of hearing her complaining.

And I'm so tired of her negativity. Dwelling on the news, talking about what everyone else in the family is doing, giving her mostly negative commentaries on everything. She really drags me down and tries to make me feel guilty for trying to live my life and not act like whatever happens on the news is personally happening to me.

I couldn't help replaying in my mind her telling me that she deserves more respect than what I've given her. I walk on eggshells around her and treat her with kid gloves. I never say anything purposely to agitate her, and when I told her that I felt hurt by something she said to me, her response was being offended and saying she deserves more respect from me?? That's not a normal response, at least that's not the response I would have (and apparently my husband and friends would have, from what they told me). I feel respect has been a one-way street with my mother. If you call it respect, she only respects me when I say and do what is pleasing to her.

I know I'm at the start of a long, difficult road of making changes, making boundaries, and sticking to them. I'm grateful to have a supportive and understanding husband and some good friends. I'm also very grateful to have the understanding and support of the people on this forum who are "in the trenches" with me. Thank you again for being there and for taking the time to write to me.