PD won’t let me talk.

[Monkey Boy]

I'm new and reading the site but feel I need to post this now as I'm angry.

When my partner is upset he takes it out on me.  He'll start off talking about how someone wronged him and then go on about another person and their faults, etc and it will slowly escalate until he drags up some previous conflict we had and is over and then I become the central figure of his "episode".  I can see it coming like a storm from afar slowly rolling toward me.  This started this morning at 5 am when I told him I couldn't sleep because of the TV.  At lunchtime it started up again.  He's implacable when he's on in an episode.  Usually his endgame after he settles down is for me to admit that I was wrong and that I'll change.  Well I stoped doing that the last 6 months, saying that I won't admit doing something wrong if I didn't. Not any more.

So how do you deal with PD that wouldn't let you talk?  He can rant for 30 minute and finally asks me something and I'll almost get a full sentence out before me mocks, interrupts and on another rant.  What I've started doing is pick myself up and go to another room.  I don't like doing it because I want him to understand my point of view (and defend myself from his accusations).

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Monkey Boy. In my experience it is very unlikely that you will be able to change your partner's behaviour. Getting up and leaving the space is probably the best you can do and setting a boundary for yourself how long you are prepared to listen to his rants before you leave.

[stormbrewing]

 

Also, even if there was space in the conversation for you to speak, it doesn't mean he would be listening or hearing you. My stbxupdh could have an argument with me without me even saying a word, and if I did speak what he heard was his internal dialogue and not my words. He's not going to understand your point of view while escalated like that, and you don't need to defend yourself.

If you really need to express your thoughts and feelings, maybe try writing them down once you have removed yourself from his presence.  Later on you can use those notes to work out what really needs to be said (if anything) once he is calm and able to have a conversation.

[blunk]

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it is frustrating for sure. I remember telling my bpdxh something like what you are describing....that he only heard what he thought I was going to say, and not what I was actually saying.

You may want to read the section in the Toolbox about no JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). The sad truth is that no matter how much you do any of those things, it is unlikely the PD will hear what you are really saying. I spent a long time thinking, if only I could get his to see my point of view, but JADE-ing only brought on more circular conversations, lectures, etc.

You are right for not apologizing when you have done nothing wrong, though I understand this can be hard, as sometimes it feels like the only way to end the argument. You are also correct in leaving the space when it becomes too much. Again, this is difficult, but after 20 years I realized that I could talk until I was blue in the face and it would not change his mind. All that would happen is that I would needlessly exhaust myself. There is great information about boundary setting in the Toolbox as well, although you seem to have come to some of that on your own.

Good luck to you.

[IcedCoffee]

What I've started doing is pick myself up and go to another room.  I don't like doing it because I want him to understand my point of view (and defend myself from his accusations).

Yes, walk away as soon as you notice the momentum in the anger building up. People say you should have an excuse like "Sorry, I think I left the oven on." etc. That's ideal, but in my experience it's not necessary. Ten minutes after walking away, even without an excuse, I can usually go back to my uBPDw and she's already forgotten she was angry.

But don't defend! (Don't JADE.) It will only make things worse. You have to think one or two steps ahead, like a game of chess. I want to achieve X so I'll have to do Y first. Read everything in the toolbox here. I've read lots of books on this and related topics and the toolbox here is easily the fastest way to pick up the tricks of our trade!

[Monkey Boy]

Thanks to all for your help and understanding.  The last few days I've been trying going to read with the dogs in another part of the house when things are heating up (not a full blown meltdown) using medium chill, and no JADE.  I'm surprised that after some time he actually comes to find me after awhile and and apologizes (then finishes saying I need to try harder too).  I guess maybe he's sensing that I'm not willing to enable his behavior.  Funny, his baiting me as a write this about the house being dirty.  I'm here in medium chill land and ok.