Dealing with Family Members of STBXunpdH

[LiftingFog]

Divorce proceedings are moving along slowly, which is fine because I get stronger every day.  My question is more about family members of my STBxh and what to do if I run into them.

His mom "loved" me.  She called me the daughter she never had and thought she would never have.  She bought my wedding dress for me, and she would send me the sweetest cards and address me as "Dear One".  NOT anymore!  I am now the devil, evil incarnate, and apparently have fooled everyone.     Of course, she's only heard her only son's version of events. 

My STBxh is her only child as well as her proudest accomplishment.  My therapist said their enmeshment is strong.  She treats my xh as an extension of herself, and he can do no wrong.  Of course, he's hidden so much of himself from her purposely, and before every visit, he would go down the list with me of "things we cannot mention."  All to "protect" his mom from worrying so much.

She lives close by me and I'm 99% sure I ran into her at a park recently.  Fortunately, the cold weather meant I wore a fuzzy hat, thick face mask, and sunglasses, so I was pretty much incognito.  My friend and I passed her during our walk and she smiled in our direction, because she smiles at everyone.  My blood ran cold!  I kept turning around to see if she'd turn around and stare in her realization that it was me, but she didn't. 

I haven't reached out to any of his family members, nor will I.  But this one stings, because my own late birth mother was abusive and it was so nice to be so completely adored by his mom.  Of course, it was conditional adoration for as long as I made her golden child happy. 

My question is:  If I run into her again and she recognizes me, should I just say hi and continue on my way?  She's not one to hold her tongue, and I could see her giving me a verbal dressing down in public.

[Rose1]

Oh ex mil. Yes, the golden child, pd mother emotionally incestuous relationship.

Its very difficult because they love to make a scene but I found out with mine that she only liked to make a scene one way. She didn't like to be called on her behaviour.  That shut the conversation down.  A cousin suggested I tell it like it is. No idea if that would work for you. It did for me although it left me drained.  We're conditioned to rug sweep. What if you don't?

If she just walks by smile and wave but if she starts something you could firmly and loudly enough (not whisper) say, its so sad you got between our marriage and still see fit to cover up the wrong your son is doing (whatever that may be, exh drank excessively and she knew that)

Or similar. enmeshed mothers always come between the marriage because they come first.
Mine said 'well I never' and scurried off. Thank you cousin!

[Bunnyme]

My stbxMIL has been amazing, but now that we are splitting, he has her convinced it is all my fault.  At first, I tried to point out his lies and defend myself, but I've given up.  He is her baby.  I could show her video evidence, and she would try to make excuses. My own therapist has said,"she probably isnt mad at you because she thinks that you are wrong.  She is probably mad because she knows that you are right."  That's her baby.  If she accepts that he is a creep, she raised a creep.  I am civil and try to still include them with the kids, but I've written off ever having the relationship we once had.

[GettingOOTF]

I went NC with my former in-laws as soon as I separated from my ex. They got really angry at me when I finally left. I think they realized that he would become their responsibility.

PDs do not happen in a vacuum. We learn the coping mechanisms we use as adults when we are children and the people that raise us have the biggest impact on us.  Once the FOG was gone I was able to see the same behaviors as my ex in is family. They were less extreme but they were there.

If I ever saw any of them I’d politely acknowledge them and keep walking. You don’t owe them anything and you have a right to remove yourself from any situation that makes you uncomfortable.

[pushit]

You've recognized it for what it is.  Conditional love, as long as you treated her golden child son the right way.

I've dealt with the same thing, though a little different.  During my marriage I was awesome, as long as I took care of my exPDw's problems.  As soon as I divorced her, I was public enemy #1.  I used to love my in laws, and thought they were awesome.  Over time I realized how much they were part of the problem.  Since the divorce they have taken over the care of her.  The only thing I think now is how sorry I feel for them since they don't realize that she needs to stand on her own.

Always be pleasant, always be the bigger person.  If someone wants to dress you down in public just walk away.  You don't owe it to them to stand there and listen to verbal abuse.

[LiftingFog]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is dealing with this...and I'm also sorry too.  It sucks.  I think the phrase "emotionally incestuous" describes it perfectly.

Yes, she has resumed the emotional care of her 44 yo manchild.  The weekend after he was notified by my lawyer of what was to come, his mommy rushed to be by his side and "take care of him" (I was told this by his stepsister.  I've now blocked the entire fam.)  Keep in mind, mommy is 75, a terrible driver, and she had to travel on major highways as well as windy back country roads, so this was a heroic attempt on her part.

The following week I showed up with a moving van and friends, and his refrigerator was stocked with containers of homemade meals.  I'm quite sure she spent the preceding weekend cooking, cleaning, and by the looks of the house, redecorating for him. 

Fun fact:  He didn't cook and expected/wanted me to.  I don't cook, either, which caused a lot of tension in our short marriage.  Looking back, he wanted another mother - someone to serve his needs.  I've never wanted children before, but it felt like I had an adult child.  Not very sexy.