Specific time gaps/ contact habits

[Dollydrops]

Sorry I'm new with so many questions.

Can anyone relate to a PD being very habitual with contact times?
Mine would contact me the same times every day and night without fail for months on end but then suddenly change and drop down to only every 3 days. Specifically every 3 days.
Over a period of 5 years this happened a lot. After researching I stumbled upon narcissism sites which led me here.
I'm currently in what I think is devaluation stage with him after obsessive bombardment for two years. It suddenly dropped to nothing at night and only every four days during daylight this time. Then he lost a parent  suddenly and since then only sent the odd goodnight msg but he does reply to me albeit with his crying emojis and all full of sadness but tells me he is thinking of me all the time.
This is a heartbreaker for me because he dropped the news onto me and left me devastated that I couldnt be there to help.
I've done all the right things in telling him I'm here if he needs to talk
( assuming he would want to as apparently I'm the love of his life). Asking how he is and saying I'm missing him. Hes replying with niceties but it's like he went into a black hole. Hes back in his usual routine now and so I'm finding myself waiting with little snippets of hope from him that the contact will resume.
I've sent one or two nice verses to him
( which he always loved before) but dont know if it's too much for him....smothering? It's been like this for 4 months.
The confusion is that I dont know if I've been devalued or discarded.
Anyone experienced something like this?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome to the Forum, Dolly.  I hope you have also seen the resources, PD descriptions and toolbox for lots of good info.

I'm pretty new here, too, but I'm glad to share my experience over the decades, which includes 2 relationships which only lasted up to 2 yrs,, one long marriage, and one marriage-like relationship.  3 had NPD traits and one was BPD/NPD.  (Of course, I didn't know about PD's until the end of this string.)

They all started with heavy love bombing for a period.  This was followed by devaluation.  Depending on the person, the devaluation would either just keep going on and on with few interruptions.  Or it might turn into a cyclic break up and then makeup, perhaps after a round of them trying to find something "better" in between.   They never wanted to completely move on, it seemed....always wanting to keep me in the wings, I suppose.  In one case one devalued, moved out while continuing to "date" me, and lessened contact more and more as he was surreptitiously finding other women and finally left town.  Devaluations often happened very abruptly.  Whew!  Glad I know a bit about this now.   I've been NC with the last one for some 8+ months.

I remember so many years ago a therapist telling me to get more of my own life and stop focusing on him.  Good advice which it took me awhile to heed.  Some co-narc are close to obsessed with their partners.  I certainly was, which made putting my main focus on other things very difficult.  For me, the best thing I could do though, whether staying in the relationship or getting ready to leave, was putting focus on myself to build my own life and see what I needed to heal in ME (e.g. my compulsive caretaking & people pleasing), instead of trying to fix them.

I hope you get some good information and support from this group!

[Dollydrops]

Thank you
You're right about being obsessed with them, funny really as it's how they start out first.
I know I've been deeply trauma bonded to this guy. He put himself in my life when I had so many problems and the pending death of my mum, all of which I put aside because all I could think about was him.
I realise now that the back and forth thing with contact is intermittent reinforcement and also lessens when he has supply elsewhere. I've spent 4 months desperately trying to remind him that I'm here when hes not really interested.
He has a small legacy to come next so that will be his next 'fix'.
I'm starting to concentrate on my own life too now. He is never going to be the for me, or anyone on a deeper level.

[clara]

This type of push/pull behavior is typical for NPDs.  They bring you into their life and then when they feel secure over your response to them, they push you away deliberately or otherwise as a way of getting you to come running (there may be other reasons, but this is the one I'm most familiar with).  The sudden disruption of regularity in contact indicates this, and while the death of a parent may be the current reason he's using to engage in such behavior, the behavior itself isn't new as you said it's been going on for 5 years. 

As Lookin said, a healthy response is to stop reacting to the PDs behavior and start concentrating on taking care of yourself.  Many of us were raised without that concept, so it's something we have to learn.  No, the PD will never really be there for us, but we can be there for ourselves. 

Don't be a bit surprised if the moment he suspects you're moving past him, he comes back with the same old same old.  Since they can't or won't change their behavior, the only thing they know to do is rely on their bag of tricks that have worked in the past.  I've never known a PD to come up with something new, something that surprised me.  The behavior was already test-run and successful so why try a new approach when the old one worked so well?!   

[Dollydrops]

Thank you Clara.
He's only connecting on an online app. He's back to his usual times but is not initiating messages but is still 'playing the games'.
I've told him this hurts because he added me there specifically for contact and it was obsessive. Hes managed me down to not expecting anything from him but says he likes me online because he 'feels close to me'.
Over the past few weeks hes gone from being desperate to see me...to hopes I'm keeping well. Anything I say about myself is switched to talking about himself. His illnesses, his new car. He seems to be moving further away despite his routine coming back to normal  which is breaking my heart.
I am starting to see that hes nit interested and trying to not dwell on it...but God it's hard.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

If you're like I am, Dolly, this pain didn't start with the PD partner.   Mine's been a repeating pattern from PD parent to marriage to subsequent marriage-like partners.   What I was always told, and never wanted to hear, was that I wasn't going to get what I needed from "them."  It had to be an inside job.   I'm working on it with a trauma T and 12 Step groups.  Now that I'm alone, that work seems more fruitful. 

I well remember the wrenching pain of seeing, once again, this is not going to work, there is no real love or partnership to be had here.  I did not give up easily or quickly.  But I did finally give up and leave, and really cut it off by going NC last Dec.   The pain is easing up now and I'm coming Out of the FOG.  I hope you find your way to some healing and peace, whatever you end up choosing to do.

[Dollydrops]

Mine is a repeated pattern too. Married very young to a controlling person who I now believe to be NPD and AS PD.
Hes Ill now with physical disabilities so I do manage to have some control there but absolutely no intimacy. Unfortunately my ex AP latched on to me during a very deep and vulnerable time and I was hooked in deeply really fast. I managed to end it but it almost crucified me at the time.
I am seeing now those patterns and pulling some strength from inside.
I will keep reading here but I think I  need to read up on trauma bonds.
Your replies are very helpful.

[1footouttadefog]

Seems like its time  for you to decide if this is a relation that works for you or not.

Seems like you have been pushed aside. If this is not what you want from a relationship, you wont fix it, you will have to leave.

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