Need to vent

[livinginmyhead]

My husband has lung cancer that returned after ten years of remission.

I was just diagnosed with oral cancer last month.

I have been looking after my husband because he has difficulty breathing sometimes.  Sometimes he is a pain because he snaps at me or wants whatever he wants yesterday.  I remind him that I'm trying to help him.  He hasn't been nearly as awful as he used to be but that's only because he might have a heart attack or something if he rages like he used to.

Instead of raging I think he is making things disappear again.  If I need something that's missing I just order a new one so far it's just been petty little things but now he's done something with the most recent tax return.  It is gone and all the backup files I saved in the computer have been deleted.

Until that happened, I was cheerfully(mostly unless I'm in pain)caring for him, taking care of everything at the house, cooking, cleaning, doing stuff with my daughter, just living life while I still can and still loving it despite the shitty hand I've been dealt. 

The cancer I have will require reconstructive surgery, maybe even a tracheotomy and feeding tube.  It is a miracle I haven't rolled up into a little ball of despair instead of carrying on for the people I love.  My pain has been increasing daily and is sometimes difficult to manage.  I am trying to be upbeat and not bring my family down.

My son came by yesterday and helped me do some things around the house check fluids in the cars and he and my daughter and I teamed up on getting the yardwork done.  I was so thrilled that he offered his help and that we could all work together and get it done.  So thankful for them I am really blessed.

I am trying to get some things done before I go to hospital.  I just finished the taxes last night just have to sign and mail.  Trying to keep groceries and supplies stocked.  My kids(they are grown)will be having to deal with this man and I'm trying to do what I can to lighten their load.

When I realized what he did with the previous years tax forms only then did I consider curling up into a little ball and crying.  I am so sick of this shit but have to keep it together because BOTH of us need medical insurance and no major stressors or changes.

He is working from home.  He is not completely helpless just has bad days when he can't breathe so well.  He is on oxygen(and I'm on oxy for my pain haha).  Maybe his daughter(from previous marriage)can take him to chemo, son can help him get cleaned up a few times a week and our daughter can cook the meals and run the house.  If I am bad enough when I get home though we might have to look into having some help.  He's so sick he might even try and drag his XW into it.

I just have so much to think about and deal with now.

I am sometimes looking forward to going to the hospital so I don't have to deal with any bullshit he flings at me.  Vacation!  Yay! (eyeroll-not really, but you guys know what I mean, I'm sure-sigh)

On the other hand, I'm getting very nervous about what I will find when I get home from the hospital and I know he will be utterly useless as he always has been for anything resembling emotional support.

Thank you for reading.

[Poison Ivy]

I am very very sorry that you are sick and having to deal with your husband's awful behavior. I hope your treatment goes well.

[losingmyself]

Living, I can't even imagine what you're going through. My goodness, and to be upbeat and getting things done so much before you have your surgery is awesome. You're truly an amazing person. Then to find sabotage. I would have been curled up in a ball much longer ago.
I hope that you enlist as much help as possible for after your surgery, friends, family, and I'll bet there's some sort of local aid that can step in when they can't. I also hope you have it all planned out so that you know if and when people are coming to help and what they'll be doing. I pray that you get the rest  you're going to need to heal in the coming months. In my non professional opinion, I'm not a doctor of course, but I hope that you can start to take some of the stress off of yourself starting very soon, like, now. I feel like you need it.
God bless you, and I'll be thinking of you.

[livinginmyhead]

Thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words. I feel better now.  My daughter and I are working on some projects.  Maybe if I'm not too owie tomorrow I'll do my son's taxes.  Maybe try and can some orange marmalade.  I always feel better when I'm busy.  Just got the starch knocked out of me for a bit.

[1footouttadefog]

That is alot to have on your plate, huge.

You are obviously very strong, however let your hospital discharge social worker know you will not have care at home, perhaps they can arrange some visiting nurse visits or maybe you can be sent to a rehab facility instead of home if need be following surgery.

I have never been thriugh wust you are facing but I do know what lousy help od people can be, especially when they are sick themselves and see your sickness at an attention grab.