ILs are hoovering

[Call Me Cordelia]

They gave the ST and discarded DH, and now...





 











And that's all I have to say about that.

[Cat of the Canals]

Ugh. The hoovering after a bout of the silent treatment always makes my head spin. "Wait, I thought you were so furious you couldn't even speak to me...? But now you're acting like nothing happened and everything is fine?" 

My mother is a master of the ST->hoover maneuver.

Vomit emoji indeed.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yep. There's no sense of fittingness, or sense of their own wild inconsistency. I think that's part of the reason it so often works. They have no sense of shame so they pull it off with such confidence, causing us to doubt our previous perceptions.

The silent treatment/punishment tactic didn't get DH come running back to be the dutiful son, so they'll try the sugary sweet act. uNBPDMIL and my DH's one aunt did the same thing to me as well. Nobody talked to me for a year or two, but then it's suddenly so important to have a relationship with your family and we're missing out on all the love and closeness they have for us (and it's all our fault). Just keep switching up the strategies, throw that spaghetti at the wall to see if anything sticks. Anything but accept responsibility for their own actions or care about our thoughts and feelings.

[Andeza]

but then it's suddenly so important to have a relationship with your family and we're missing out on all the love and closeness they have for us (and it's all our fault).

Ugh, felt my stomach clench on that one. It's so true. Also, your creative use of emojis expressed your feelings quite well! I think the thing that really bugs me, is that they seriously and completely do not see anything wrong about their actions. So as far as they're concerned, the bad behavior we experience never actually happened. Yeah, no. Not buying the pdland performance.

Sorry you're going through this, CMC.

[LemonLime]

My T helped me understand that my uPD sis's habit of "forgetting" that she raged at me is a form of gaslighting.

When someone acts like they didn't just scream and call names, they're hoping you will question your own sanity instead of theirs.

It's helped me to label PD's behavior as one of a few big categories:
Denial, deflection, gaslighting, projection.    Maybe there are a few more I'm forgetting.

And to see that all of their behavior is a form of Emotional Immaturity.

For me it's really that simple.  All my PD's behaviors appear to stem from Emotional Immaturity, and fit into one of those categories.   It keeps me from overthinking each situation.   I label the behavior, sort of like a teacher correcting a homework paper by circling things with a red pen.   Then I put it away in its category where it belongs.
Helps me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

For sure, LemonLime. My MIL has screamed and called names, and then acts as if it should just be erased because she "apologized."

The red pen exercise is something I have literally done with the stuff my NPs and MIL have written to me. It clears up the FOG real good! Passive-aggression, gaslighting, DARVO, rewriting history. Yup, same shit different day. Yawn.

At least in writing when I can take my time. I'm not so good in person, but that's easily avoided!