Do your PD in-laws treat you like the villain for no reason?

[DesertRose]

Have you seen the movie "Crazy Rich Asians?" The boy introduces his girlfriend to his mother, and she (and the rest of the prospective in law family) treat the girlfriend like SHE is the villain when she has done nothing wrong other than simply exist as the girlfriend.

This is how I have felt with my SIL from day one. Sometimes MIL would get pulled in and very rarely FIL, but on their own it was clear that they both really like me despite the fact that they have PD traits and push boundaries. It is SIL who has given off this vibe from day one like I was the bad guy when all I did was say "hello". Literally. She acted like she was barely tolerating me - and acted like I was a villain. Sort of like I had the role of Vicki in the movie Parent Trap. SIL thinks of herself as the good twins who only want their family back as it was and sees me as the horrible, shrill, annoying, Vicki who selfishly wants to steal the dad (ie, in this case her brother / my DH).

It's so toxic being around that. I am so tired of it. After reading about Medium Chill I realised SIL has been giving me Medium Chill (and at times total cruelty and freeze) from day one. She has been treating me like she is protecting herself from evil when I have tried to have a real relationship, tried to make an effort to connect, etc. Sometimes when it suits her she's been receptive and I thought we were making progress but now I know better. It's all a game to her. So it's medium chill for me and from me now on.

Anyone else experience this form of gaslighting where they act like you are the villain and all you did was show up with a plate of home made cookies?

[bloomie]

DesertRose - a powerful core value I have developed from exactly this kind of push/pull, hot/cold, sweet/mean behavior is to be as consistent as possible in my interactions with others. And to stop going toward and trying to be a family with those who have positioned themselves as a rival for the love and affection of my husband as my own mil and sil have done.

Something that helped me along the way with this was our marriage counselor who was very aware of the toxic behaviors saying in front of my DH... 'the problem for your in laws is your H loves you more.'  Simple and in our case, at the heart of all of it.

Medium Chill - polite and light interactions, refusing to engage any deeper than a teaspoon about anything whatsoever, holding my position as being my DH's wife and support only, no longer looking for anything further and no longer wanting anything further, recognizing that this is not my problem to singlehandedly fix even though they have declared it is, and to adjust my behaviors and level of engagement in light of what they have told many times... 'I am not their blood and I am not their family'.

I didn't cause it and can't change it or control it and freeing myself emotionally from the confusion and angst that can be stirred up in us from the inexplicable has taken work and learning to have internal boundaries as well as external boundaries around all of this.

You are a loving person who continues to show up... with homemade cookies no less, and make efforts to connect with a sil who is not available and possibly not trustworthy. Who does not seem to mean you good and support your marriage and your life.

You do not have to do that any longer unless you choose to. You can grieve the loving family and 'sisters' that could've been and let it go and accept what you cannot change. You do not have to carry all of this anymore. You really don't.  You don't have to play the game any longer. Not one more day.

That is why we work so hard to come Out of the FOG. To be free from repeated harmful attempts to tie up a relationship in a neat bow with a person who has a history of harming us and who has shown no interest in a loving, familial, sincere, reciprocal relationship with us and to understand why we may have continued to go toward their gaslighting and cruel behaviors.

[Pepin]

Something that helped me along the way with this was our marriage counselor who was very aware of the toxic behaviors saying in front of my DH... 'the problem for your in laws is your H loves you more.'  Simple and in our case, at the heart of all of it.

Bloomie -- this is just it.  Nailed it so hard.  I could burst into tears because this sums up what I went through at the beginning when I met DH.  I was no doubt a threat because GC DH had tuned his attention elsewhere.  Who was going to take care of PDmil and FIL if DH was occupied with me?  Not only that but I am not of DH's race or culture.  Another taboo!  Oh boo, hoo.  The one thing that PDmil and FIL couldn't touch was the fact that I was financially better off than they were on my own.  I sincerely believe that was the one thing that they let me get away with and be accepted.  And also because I had manners and was a likable and respectable person among my peers and work colleagues.  Ah....but over the years to appease them I became a doormat to reduce the friction.  Complete mistake.  Now that I have extricated myself from that, I am back to being the villain...because I refuse to hand over my husband to PDmil's every whim just because she is aging.    

[DesertRose]

DesertRose - a powerful core value I have developed from exactly this kind of push/pull, hot/cold, sweet/mean behavior is to be as consistent as possible in my interactions with others. And to stop going toward and trying to be a family with those who have positioned themselves as a rival for the love and affection of my husband as my own mil and sil have done.

Something that helped me along the way with this was our marriage counselor who was very aware of the toxic behaviors saying in front of my DH... 'the problem for your in laws is your H loves you more.'  Simple and in our case, at the heart of all of it.

Medium Chill - polite and light interactions, refusing to engage any deeper than a teaspoon about anything whatsoever, holding my position as being my DH's wife and support only, no longer looking for anything further and no longer wanting anything further, recognizing that this is not my problem to singlehandedly fix even though they have declared it is, and to adjust my behaviors and level of engagement in light of what they have told many times... 'I am not their blood and I am not their family'.

I didn't cause it and can't change it or control it and freeing myself emotionally from the confusion and angst that can be stirred up in us from the inexplicable has taken work and learning to have internal boundaries as well as external boundaries around all of this.

You are a loving person who continues to show up... with homemade cookies no less, and make efforts to connect with a sil who is not available and possibly not trustworthy. Who does not seem to mean you good and support your marriage and your life.

You do not have to do that any longer unless you choose to. You can grieve the loving family and 'sisters' that could've been and let it go and accept what you cannot change. You do not have to carry all of this anymore. You really don't.  You don't have to play the game any longer. Not one more day.

That is why we work so hard to come Out of the FOG. To be free from repeated harmful attempts to tie up a relationship in a neat bow with a person who has a history of harming us and who has shown no interest in a loving, familial, sincere, reciprocal relationship with us and to understand why we may have continued to go toward their gaslighting and cruel behaviors.

Bloomie this is such valuable advice. Thank you. Your point about being as consistent as possible really stood out to me. Instead of responding to them (Eg, being warmer when they are warmer), being consistent "medium chill" on our side is a proactive approach and keeps us from being on the end of a yo-yo. That is really a helpful way to think about it. I can see from what you've posted that you really understand my situation through your experience. The fact that you and your DH have chosen to protect your marriage and grown together despite the PD in laws gives me hope.

[Hilltop]

Yep I'd second what Bloomie says.  I found reacting made things much worse.  Not only reacting when they are bad but its hard to not react when they become nice and they do.  Like you say its a game.

My inlaws are going through a nice period at the moment and sometimes I find it hard to just be consistent with my approach.  I end up feeling like I want to make more of an effort, do nice things however in the past, something happens and I either feel taken advantage of or I get reminded of why I am neutral to start with.  Its like its a way to draw you in and then you are closer and its easier for them to take a swipe or find a way to hurt you so that's why when everything is nice and friendly I still have my guard up.

I was made out to the be the villain too.  In fact my MIL once tried to make out that I had tried to push her down some stairs.  That was just before NC and one of the things that finally drove me to just give up.  The thing is I didn't need to say anything to DH, he mentioned it and I rolled my eyes and that was it.  Ultimately your DH knows who you are, he wouldn't be married to you unless he saw the good in you.

You have made a really nice effort with your SIL.  It doesn't matter what her problem is, its her problem.  Continue to be friendly in a neutral medium chill way.  Let her play her crazy game alone.  The one thing I have come to realise with these types of people is that they don't really change even if they seem to mellow.  Also if SIL has these intense feelings of jealousy toward you, its unlikely she is going to overcome that easily, no matter how nice you are to her, if she has chosen to dislike you she will simply make anything you do a negative.  There is no winning her over.

Let her be.  Let her play her game alone.  If DH says anything just shrug it off.  He will see what she is doing, even if he doesn't say anything.  Just don't get drawn into the niceness when it does come, I have made that mistake a couple of times, its not worth it.

[Breakthrough]

Oh boy, yes for sure, it's very strange.  My NMIL's behaviour ramped up in particular around my pregnancy.  Watch out for changes with any major life events that will take spotlight away from them (engagement  and weddings too).  The PD behaviours seem to really ramp up then. 

So much wisdom already given, I just want to echo the consistency, it's hard for me to do, and I am still working on that, but I don't change my expectations to think that because their warmer in their manner, they've somehow actually changed, because that's unlikely.  I think being consistent towards her, but also consistent in you own internal expectations of her, are good things to be aware of.