Controlling wife

[Jack]

Hi all , im new here.

I left my wife in Oct and she begged and begged me to come back and things would be different, plus she was having a nervous breakdown.
I reluctantly returned ,things kinda got a little better, but slowly returned to normal.
so yesterday a client asked if I had any of my  apartments up for rent because she was about to leave her abusive husband.
I told her they were all rented out but I would ask around for her.
so I asked my wife if any of her friends were willing to rent a room, well what happened next just blew me away, she accused me of having an affair with this woman and badgered me all eve about her.
To stop all the craziness I told her I would not respond to this lady in need after I sent her a last text stating I didn't know of any places.
one of my tenants in a 3 bedroom house has just given notice and will be leaving on the 31st March, I intend to move in and leave my controlling wife forever this time.

Any advice is welcome.

Also is it normal for me to always think that maybe its all my fault?

Thank you all

[pushit]

Hi Jack - Sorry to hear what you're dealing with, but the good news is there are people here that understand exactly what you're dealing with because we've been through the exact same.  Lots of great advice on this forum, I also recommend checking out the "Toolbox" section of the site to help you learn a few things.

In these types of controlling (abusive) relationships it is typical to deal with attempts to win you back.  It's commonly called "hoovering" on this forum.  I dealt with that numerous times during my divorce.  Unfortunately, the norm is that things will be better for a short while, then return to what it was before, and oftentimes worse than it was before.

Thinking it's always your fault?  Very common.  Look up the term Gaslighting.  This behavior is typical in an abusive relationship, everything gets turned around on you and you think you're the one at fault or the crazy one.

This forum pertains to relationships with people who have personality disorders.  You didn't mention a PD, but the behavior you describe is in line with what many have experienced with their partners (whether diagnosed or not).  It would be in your best interest to do some research on PDs to see if it fits with your experience.  There are many good books out there, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a great one to start with.  There are also some great videos on YouTube - I would recommend shrink4men and Dr. Ramani as starters.  Knowledge is power.

Welcome, and good luck to you.

[Jack]

So I told my manipulating wife I was leaving her, well a whole day of crying and hysteria  has me changing my mind and staying.
Why am I so weak and why can't I go through with this.
I even have a nice house to go to but still I haven't left her.

How can I leave?

[sad_dog_mommy]

In my experience it is best to keep your plans to leave to yourself.   As I was in the planning stages of my break-up with my BPDexbf I acted like everything was normal.    All the while I was getting my ducks in a row for a clean break.   

It was hard but I had to stop trying to "fix" or save him and focus on setting myself free.   We were not married but things were co-mingled [I had bought him a car but it was in my name  ] and he lived with me in a house I owned.   He believed he was entitled to "sweat equity" and thought we might be husband and wife under the antiquated definition of "common-law marriage".   Thankfully the state I live in does not recognize common-law marriage. 

I am an empathetic person who found herself in a manipulative relationship with a man who was eventually diagnosed with BPD.    I turned to the internet to see if there was a reason why he behaved the way he did and I stumbled upon this support message board.    The more I learned about narcissism and personality disorders I could feel my emotional strength coming back.   And, as my "FOG" lifted and I could see how he had used threats, games and guilt to keep me "under his spell".   

Relationships with people who have a personality disorder are cyclical.    Unfortunately the good phase doesn't last very long.   I would ask him why things couldn't be the way they were when we first met. I now understand that the person he portrayed himself to be in the beginning was not who he really was.  We've all been through the "things will change" phase again and again. In my case it never changed permanently.     

Focus on yourself and what you need.    Don't make any rash decisions but most importantly do not let on that you are thinking about ending the relationship.   

Read as many posts as you can on the different message boards.   I bet you will find stories and situations that sound like your own.   

You are not alone.